Sexual and Sensual Communication is very difficult for many people. It becomes a major obstruction to fulfillment. In fact it’s often fraught with so many issues. We don’t know how to ask for what we want, often because we don’t know. Our partners don’t know how to ask us. We get nervous about their response. We don’t want to hurt their feelings. Ego gets in the way. It’s scary. So we say nothing.
When we don’t talk about what we want it causes such frustration, anxiety, anger and resentment.
When we’re not satisfied in pleasure we stop wanting to have sex, we withdraw, we make excuses not to.
Or worse than that, we grin and bear it because it’s easier.
This is fatal, for ourselves and our relationships. Many sexual blockages come from this, our bodies stop responding, there’s discomfort and pain, arousal disappears, distance is created.
This spills over into other aspects of our relationships. Intimacy is threatened and becomes less.
Issues that are seemingly small become big.
And it grows.
More things are unsaid.
And we go precariously down some very slippery slopes, sometimes with no way to return.
The impact of not being able to talk about our pleasure needs is huge. Many relationship issues can be traced back to this.
It’s linked to our emotional needs, if I can’t tell you how I want to be touched, can I tell you how I want to be loved?
With a framework and some simple guidelines, you can learn to talk about what you enjoy, what you like, what you don’t like, what you want, how where and when you want to be touched, kissed etc.
Most of our partners want to pleasure us, they don’t always know how, they don’t know how to ask, what to ask. Most of us want to be beautifully, wonderfully satisfied. We don’t know how to ask for what we need.
It’s seemingly so simple. What it means is far from simple. It’s vital to intimacy, to connection, to being heard and acknowledged, to know that you’re important, that your needs matter. It helps open other paths of communication. It teaches you to be vulnerable. It gives you the courage and the tools to talk about other things. It creates safety.
Learning to talk about your pleasure needs is HUGE!
It shows how our sexuality is connected to every aspect of our selves, and how, as we heal and enhance this, so much else can change with it.
Let’s begin with intention.
Think about the intention you bring to this, it helps you hold the purpose of communication clear. It creates safety. It opens the channels of listening and of being heard.
Create an intention that’s about giving and receiving greater pleasure, about learning what your partner wants, understanding their body better, being more receptive to their guidance etc.
When you can hold this intention you become more patient, you put your ego aside, you listen.
There’s a purpose to the communication.
Then it’s important to have a learning session. That’s what it’s about. Exploring, talking, trying things. It might not be about orgasm. It may only be for one of you. The purpose is to learn something about pleasure, touch etc.
You’re coming together for a purpose.
It’s helpful for this, and often makes it easier, to set boundaries. This is what we’re going to do.
Let me give you an example of this, which is also a good way to start learning about each other.
Start gently, build the space, build the safety, allow it grow and deepen. Trying to go from no or very little communication in one step may be heading for failure. Build a foundation, it’ll serve you well in the long term.
Use your hands to begin with, touching your partner’s hand.
It’s safe, it’s sensual, it allows you to practice how to communicate about touch.
There are two ways to do this.
The first, the person receiving the touch guides you.
There are 8 magic words for sensation communication. Harder, faster, slower, softer, left, right, up and down.
Let your partner tell you how they would like their hand to be touched. The more specific you are, the easier it is. Keep guiding them until it’s exactly what you want. A little slower, a little slower, that’s it!
The 2nd way is for you to ask questions about what your partner wants.
The easiest way to do this is ask questions that have a yes or no for an answer.
Is this good, should I do it a little harder, a little faster…
It’s that easy!
And when you can do it on each other’s hands you can slowly go further and deeper and make it more intimate. It sets the foundation for sharing more about different aspects of sex.
It takes courage to take the first step, to ask for what you want.
The possibilities it holds are huge, and important elements in the journey to sexual freedom and authenticity.
So, take a deep breath…