I was having a conversation with someone the other day, and multi-partner experiences came up, as they do in some people’s lives.
I said that I thought orgies were hard work, and not always a lot if fun.
Essentially there’s a big difference between the fantasy of these experiences and the reality.
In my work as a Conscious Sexuality Practitioner, I’ve had discussions with many people before and after these experiences.
For some people they’ve been amazing, and started them on journeys of exciting exploration. For some they’ve been one-offs.
And for others they’ve been really difficult, challenging, scary, and have brought deep emotions, fears and insecurities to the surface.
For a time, on my journey, I was involved in an adult fantasy club, where many people came to explore these fantasies, amongst others.
A lot needs to happen and be spoken about before you get to the actual experience. So much communication to create clarity is vital. I will share these things in another piece, but from my conversation the other day, other aspects of this came to the fore.
I said that orgies were hard work, and not always a lot of fun.
Sometimes there’s just too much.
Too many bodies, too much to do. It’s like a buffet with so many delicious possibilities, so much to taste, and touch and smell and kiss and lick and…
And as soon as you taste something you really like, it moves away. You don’t have time to savour anything, or anyone.
You can’t take that, or these words about it, too seriously.
It’s a crazy whirl of bodies and skin and sounds.
Most people start this exploration with the idea of a threesome.
A couple wants another man, or another woman.
After all the preparation we’re here, ready.
We’ve found the person, and now it’s going to happen.
And so often, what do we do, how do we start, because it’s all supposed to flow, everybody knows what to do, to who, for how long, everyone’s included and fulfilled, all the bits of Fantasy we want to see and make happen are just there.
For so many people porn becomes the model in their minds.
Without realizing that it’s choreographed!
It’s like a dance sequence or a fight scene.
It’s choreographed and rehearsed.
And when we’re with two other bodies we don’t know how to make it happen, how to find the fulfillment in the experience.
We get stuck.
Someone gets lost in what they’re doing in the moment.
Someone gets left out.
Some feels frustrated, lost, ignored, angry…
A big part of the preparation is what you want to happen, what you want to do, what you want to see.
It doesn’t happen by itself.
You talk about it. And you talk about it. And you talk about it.
And you stop,in the experience, to realign, reposition. To breathe. To savour.
The expectation that it’s all spontaneously going to happen the way, exactly, that you want it, is absurd.
It needs awareness, from you, your partner, your partners.
Nobody is a mind reader.
When you know what you want, you can communicate that.
It nerds to be said, not alluded to, not referred to. Said openly, plainly, clearly.
We have such an expectation, such an illusion, that so many sexual, sensual, romantic experiences are just going to happen.
We think when we talk about them, when we plan them, we’re taking the romance the excitement away.
It’s just the opposite.
It’s so much more loving to see that we have the best experience we can.
That takes preparation and discussion.
There’s an analogy I use lots.
If you walk into a restaurant and say ‘feed me’ you have no idea what’s coming out of the kitchen.
If you ask for a steak, and ask for this cut if meat cooked in this way with these vegetables, you have a much greater chance of getting what you want and being fulfilled.
It’s harder with sex.
We’re not taught to communicate so openly and clearly, it’s uncomfortable for many of us.
And it’s one of the main reasons we have unfulfilled and unsatisfactory pleasure experiences.
So, in a world of pleasure possibilities, what, or who, are we doing tonight?