I sat in my office last week and heard a young woman say something I’ve heard often, more and more lately in slightly different ways. ‘When I got home yesterday I had this undeniable feeling of fear. I’ve never felt like that before. I’ve always thought of myself as brave and willing to do to whatever it takes to become better or overcome something, and usually I can feel some form of courage guiding me to do so.
But yesterday, this morning too, all I feel is fear! And I have no idea where this is coming from, well I have some idea and I think that for some reason I’ve been conditioned to be deathly afraid of my sexuality!!! How fucked is that?’
She’s not alone!
So many men and women feel the same.
Nothing pushes our buttons like sexuality. It’s the part of life we judge the most, generally understand the least, and maybe, as she said, fear the most.
Is it because we fear pleasure? Because we have to let go of so much pain and hurt, inhibition and limitation to be full beings of pleasure? For so many of us the hurt and the defenses have become our definition, so deeply ingrained that we have no idea of what we’d be without them?
Is it because we fear the freedom that sexuality brings?
Is it because we’ve been taught to loathe ourselves, our bodies?
Is it because we’ve disconnected from all but the surface of pleasure?
Is it because we’ve separated our sexuality and spirituality?
Is it because we fear the judgment that being sexually authentic brings from society?
Is it because of the hold that religion has on us, bred through generation of convincing us of the sin of pleasure?
Is it because we have to own what may be the deepest parts of ourselves, and what does that do to who we think we are?
Is it because of the changes it would bring in our relationships and our lives?
Is it because we fear the beauty we’ll feel and the pressure that goes with it?
Is it because we have to face our anger at being unfulfilled and frustrated?
Is it because of the separation of sex and heart?
Is it because our genitals are such strangers to us?
Is it because sex is still dirty, shameful and guilt-ridden?
Is it because we have to be emotionally and physically vulnerable?
Is it because it’s easier to be fearful and angry than face ourselves?
Sexual healing is still the least explored avenue for so many of us.
We’ll go and walk on hot coals, partake in ayahuasca ceremonies, spend five days alone in silence and all sorts of weird and wonderful things. And they’re all powerful experiences in their own way. They can all be life-changing. They can all heal much of our pain.
And until we heal our sexuality there is no wholeness. It links to our hearts, to our bodies, to our spirits. It links to our self-definition, to our creativity, to our life force. It links to our health, to our connection with ourselves, with another, with life. We are all here because of this energy.
And yet our sexuality is not part of most healing journeys. And when it is it’s often in a space of limitation and judgment. And it’s often in our heads. Your sexuality is in your body. That’s where the energy sits, that’s where the blockages sit.
If our desire is to be whole, beautiful, vibrant, joyous, creative happy beings, emotionally connected, in our bodies, present in life, connected to nature, experiencing the world, we have to include our sexuality.
So much control exists simply by controlling sexuality. It’s become one of the most powerful elements of keeping us trapped. Your body needs to look like this to have deep pleasure and love. You cannot explore that and enjoy it and still be normal. You can’t have too much pleasure. Wives need to behave like this, husbands like that, a mother can’t enjoy this, a father that.
And then we have the incredible hypocritical paradox of female sexuality with a world built on it and condemning you when you express the fullness of your sexuality. And so you become hurt and fearful when it’s put in front of you.
Take your power back!
Be beautiful, be powerful, be pleasure beings.
Sing your sexuality, dance your sexuality, shout your pleasure to the world. Claim it, claim yourself.
It’s yours, don’t allow it to be taken away from you more than it has.
Love yourself enough to be whole. Love yourself enough to be a sexual being at play in the world.