She’d Like You to Know




Over the past weeks, as over the years, I’ve had some conversations with women.

These are women who are looking to heal, expand, change, improve their relationships. They’d like, love, want so much, to have greater intimacy and connection, more pleasure, share more, feel more, love more.

They’ve opened the door.

Out of love, out of desire.

Some of their partners are willing to share the journey, do the work, go into themselves.

Some are not. And that’s not exclusive to men.


For so many of us, all of us, men and women, regardless of orientation, sex is still the part of life that’s filled with fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger and disconnect.


And it’s also the part of life that is filed with such possibility, such energy, such openness, such expansion, such pleasure, such love, healing, opening, grace, power and more.


There are things that women, your woman, would like to say to you, things she’d like you to know.

Sometimes she’s said these things, once, twice, endlessly, and hasn’t felt heard.

Sometimes she doesn’t know how to say them.

Sometimes she’s nervous to say them, scared to say them.

These are the things that have been shared with me over more than 20 years of teaching in the world of Conscious Sexuality.

Many of them are big, and could do with so much more discussion, and as I’ve shared some of these before, and will do in the weeks to come.

They’re also not always so simple, we’re complex, our sexuality is complex.

And hopefully they plant a seed, a seed of possibility, of opening, of softening.

Because, we can have relationships and experiences of incredible, deep, fulfilling, intimacy, happiness, growth, excitement, pleasure, love.

This is an inner journey, as are all aspects of life. And they’re about us, ourselves. Our relationships are more about us than we often see and acknowledge.

Our sexuality, with another, is more about us than we see and acknowledge.

And as difficult as some of these journeys are, because of what they show us of ourselves, to walk the path that takes us into our bodies and our hearts, takes courage.



I’m going to digress here, to share something from my own journey.

A few weeks ago I had a massage with someone I do regular exchanges with.

It was deep, beautiful, sensual, touching, and filled with love.

I was driving home afterwards and felt an anger building inside of me. I’ve done a lot of anger work over time, this felt different.

I got home, lay down, and the anger became rage, I saw a being in me, an aspect of myself made of fire, huge, bigger than me. As I’m working with this, I’m seeing a deeper level of this, the impact it’s had on my life.

The point of sharing this is how endless, and limitless this inner work is.


Here are some of the things your women would like you to know.


She wants to feel safe with you.

This often has nothing do with sex, and sometimes lots to do with sex.

The nothing to do with sex, is about how you are in all ways in life. How open you are. How clear you are. And, interestingly, how vulnerable you are.


She wants you to know that sex is not a performance.

It’s not a race, it’s not a contest, it’s not a competition. It’s not an achievement.

It’s not about making something happen, there’s no standard.


She wants you to know that there are many times that penetration is not important to her, in fact it’s sometimes the last thing she wants.

She wants you to know that her sexuality, as is yours, is deep, wide, ranges over so many spaces and possibilities. There are so many ways of being fulfilled, feeling loved, and desired. There’s a whole body that is delicious and desiring. There’s a heart, a mind, a spirit.


Connected to this is her desire for you to receive.

And I don’t think you know how important this is.

When you receive, you open.

And so much of her sexuality, her sensuality, is in the giving.

There is so much pleasure for her, in exploring your body, in knowing your desire. There is much curiosity she has about you. There is so much trust in this.

There is so much sharing.

When you let go of the control you’ve been holding onto so tightly, she welcomes, with such love, with such honoring, the space to meet in so many ways.

When we are unable to give, as well as to receive important parts of us lie unexpressed. When we can’t express and share these aspects of ourselves they become blocked within us, and that becomes something that’s blocked between us.


There’s a practice I share with my clients and students.

Make 2 lists. The first is what’s important for you to give, the 2nd, what’s important for you to receive, in relationship, in pleasure, in sex.

I say throw the first draft away, it’s often the patterns, the beliefs we’ve had and held on to for so long.

Then everything you write down, ask ‘Is this important.’ If it is, it stays.

This makes us aware of what’s important to us, because often we don’t know.

And if we don’t know we can’t communicate that, share it with our lovers.

It’s a growing, organic practice that changes as we change, to keep looking at what’s important. What we think, want, need now may not be that way tomorrow. The circumstances of life change, we change.

There’s an expectation in relationships that things will always be as they are. It’s an illusion.


And speaking of illusion, because we get no real education for pleasure, for love, for relationship, for intimacy. The models of porn, the media, Hollywood and religion, are filled with fantasy, illusion, myth, misinformation and misunderstanding.

Because we have this idea that we’re supposed to know how to do it all.

Because we have this idea that it will happen by itself.

Because of these things, and more, we often don’t know how to have these conversations, we don’t know how to listen with an open heart, with love, and to share ourselves with love.


Men, women, all of us.

The desire to love, to be loved, pleasure, be pleasured is within us.

And in our openness, in our sharing, we step into the possibility of such intimacy, such life.