The Heart of Male Sexuality
We have, us men, these Hearts.
We have this energy of connection.
We have this space to hold you in.
We have this fire to heat you in.
We have this roar to appreciate you in.
We have this quiet to lie with you in.
We have this vulnerability to share with you.
We have this presence, expressed in so many ways.
We have this softness to flow with you.
We have this rhythm to dance with you.
Precious Tears
There have been a lot of tears this week.
My tears, men’s tears, women’s tears.
Tears of gratitude and celebration.
Tears of hurt.
Tears of what’s been hidden, being revealed, and the lightness, the freedom this has brought.
The relief of not carrying that weight any more.
Tears of who we are, almost as a birth, looking at ourselves as if for the first time. Seeing with eyes that are more open, eyes that take some time to adapt to this new vision, looking with wonder.
Tears of release, of letting go, of softening.
I Have Become (Un)Comfortably Numb
We’re taught, from the time we’re small, not to feel too much, too deeply.
Or rather, we’re not taught, to feel, to be with our emotions, to digest them, to learn from them.
It’s a disconnect from the body.
It’s a disconnect from our heart.
It takes us out of being present.
It takes us out of intimacy.
And it takes us out of the possibility of deep pleasure.
The Divine Possibility of Yoni Opening
At the moment many women are reaching out with a desire to have deeper, more fulfilling experiences.
For some women it’s about being able to have sex without pain.
For some women it’s about having an orgasm.
For some women it’s about feeling desire.
For some women it’s about exploring, discovering.
For some women this is about internal orgasms, G-Spot Orgasms, A-Spot, Cervical Orgasms.
The Practice of Sensual Awareness
We use the word Sensuality in a variety of ways.
We use it connected to sex, as the foreplay, the lead up to sex.
We use it connected to experiences of touch, of sensation.
We use it connected to massage, and sensual massage usually means, not always, depending on our understanding, something genital.
A Neck Nuzzle
I would like to share something with you that is so delicious, so simple.
And like a lot of simple things in the world of sensuality there is such depth, such subtlety and such nuance in this.
It’s an art, an expression of the art of pleasure, the art of love, the art of seduction and the art of arousal.
The Space of Male Pleasure Possibility
In many of the workshops and lessons and experiences I’ve been facilitating lately, and over all the time I’ve been teaching, I’ve seen something in many men.
Regardless of what the workshop or experience is about, it becomes about the cock, the penis, the erection, the touch, penetration, orgasm.
There’s an urgency, a desperation in the way it’s expressed. Everything else is forgotten in that moment. It seems as if there’s a switch that goes on, from nought to hyperdrive in a moment, and whatever else we’re doing is switched off.
There might have been intimacy and connection, there might have been an open heart, there might have been a stillness, a quietness, an inner awareness of energy.
And in a moment it’s all focused in one place, in one need.
And that by itself is interesting.
It becomes a need, not a want or desire. A hip-pumping need.
The Flow of Desire, Naturally
Connection.
Flow.
Natural flow.
An invitation that opens in space.
Possibility.
For something to emerge, arise, from the unknown.
The Penetration of Fire
There’s an art of penetration that can deepen the experience incredibly for both partners.
It’s more about energy.
About exploring sensation.
About an intimacy, which is often lacking in friction sex.
About the portal the energy opens to deeper states of awareness.
Sexual Awakening, Life Awakening
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of work with people, men and women, on sexual awakening.
This isn’t something new, I’ve been doing this for a long time, and over time the elements of this journey have deepened and expanded.
I’d like to share some of these with you.
Sexual Awakening is stepping into the field of possibility.
It’s a journey into yourself, into all aspects of yourself.
It’s a journey into vitality and passion.
It’s a journey into creativity.
A journey into your body, your heart, your mind and your spirit.
Penetration of the Heart
The way most people have penetrative sex is what we call friction sex.
That’s exactly what it is, skin rubbing against skin. We generally do it harder and faster as the sensation builds to have that explosive, contractive orgasm.
It becomes about more friction, more friction, harder, faster.
It’s the explosion we’re seeking.
When we expand our perspective on this we come to see that there are so many more possibilities in the experience.
When we begin learning and exploring we become aware of sensation and energy.
The Limitless Conversation of Touch
Touch is a language
That goes deeper than words
It’s the language of the body
That has a knowing
That speaks to the heart
To the places deep within us
Learning to touch, to massage, is one of the most important things we can do.
Especially in relationship.
Hey Man, Learn to Soften
I work a lot with men with ‘performance’ issues.
And that’s a big part of the problem.
It’s not a performance.
It’s not a race, a competition, an achievement. It’s not something you have to make happen.
As soon as there’s performance, there’s pressure. You succeed or you fail.
And in that there is no space for pleasure.
There’s no space for intimacy.
There’s no space for presence.
Intimacy Bypass
I was thinking about intimacy, sex, making love. I was contemplating a piece I thought I was ready to write called Foreplay of the Heart. That wasn’t quite there, this was.
Often, for many of us, sex is a bypass of intimacy.
Orgasm is a bypass of intimacy.
We’ve been conditioned to think that sex and intimacy are the same thing.
They’re not.
That doesn’t mean they can’t be, of course they can. If we have a very different kind of sex, or rather, in a different way.
But for so many of us we put sex and intimacy in bed together and they’re not.
Important Sexual Words, in a Clitoral Context
I’d like to share some really important sexual words with you, and then put them in a specific context and experience.
Before you get all excited these may not be the words you’re expecting, and they are words to get even more excited about because they’ll help you have more sex, and more fulfilling sex.
The experience we’re going to connect these words to is something that’s come up a lot lately with people I’ve been working with, and in online discussions and questions. And once you get it in this experience you’ll be able to use it in so many ways.
She’d Like You to Know
Over the past weeks, as over the years, I’ve had some conversations with women.
These are women who are looking to heal, expand, change, improve their relationships. They’d like, love, want so much, to have greater intimacy and connection, more pleasure, share more, feel more, love more.
They’ve opened the door.
Out of love, out of desire.
Some of their partners are willing to share the journey, do the work, go into themselves.
Some are not. And that’s not exclusive to men.
Heart – Centered Erotic Touch
The first thing I teach everyone I work with, the first thing we do on all the workshops and retreats, the first thing on all the webinars, is The Heart Connection.
When I started teaching massage it was all about technique. This was more than 25 years ago. The focus of the lessons was how to, and the ways to.
Then I developed The Heart Touch, and everything changed.
From that Heart Connection we touch differently, with greater awareness, love, tenderness, energy.
Soft Sex
So often when we hear the term soft sex we think about a soft Lingam.
That can be such a beautiful experience and has some amazing possibilities.
I’d like to share something different with you about soft sex.
It’s a softening, a softening into your body, your heart, your genitals, into your partner, into the moment, into the energy.
There’s a tenderness here.
I love that word.
It’s an opening, a surrender.
There’s an honoring in tenderness, in the way we look at each other, the way we touch, the way we hold each other.
There’s care in tenderness.
Divine Desire
I started writing a piece on the shame of desire.
This came up a lot in the past week with my students and clients. How we’ve been made to feel shame for the desires we have, what it means, who we are when we have these experiences. So much of this has been the ‘wrongness’ of what arouses us. So much of this has been the story of what we should be, how we should be, and how our sexuality should be expressed. According to someone else’s idea, expectation and story.
That’s important here, the story we tell ourselves, have been told.
The (Yoni) Freedom to Feel
The freedom to feel is the freedom to experience, feeling, sensation, energy, emotion.
It’s the freedom to experience the moment, in the fullness of all that it has to offer.
To feel this requires us to relinquish many things.
It requires us to let go of the patterning around pleasure which is linked to performance and the pressure this creates.
It requires us to let go of achievement.
It requires us to let go of getting it right, making it happen.
It even requires us to let go of orgasm.
Meet Yourself in Pleasure
In pleasure we meet ourselves.
In deep, conscious pleasure we meet some of the deepest parts of who we are.
My teaching journey began teaching about pleasure, particularly women’s pleasure.
This included offering touch, massage and pleasure experiences. These were experiences of deep pleasure, service, intimacy, fun, learning, discovery, emotion, exploration, healing, growth, spirit, connection, release and more.
Over time this journey expanded into working and sharing as deeply with men.
Pleasure.
And over time I’ve come to see, in so many ways, the power and possibility of pleasure.
In this I have learned, developed and created, and continue to do, so many pleasure experiences.
The Intimacy of Being
Intimacy is a state of being.
It’s who we are.
It’s within us.
Looking for intimacy, which is what so many of us are, especially now.
Looking for intimacy is looking for ourselves.
It’s a journey of connecting, re-connecting, rediscovering, a deep part of who we are.
Erotic Humility
This first came to me in the context of Yoni, and Lingam Massage.
As I sat with it, exploring it, I became aware of how it extends to all erotic and pleasure experiences.
Erotic Humility.
For me the Erotic is the body and the heart. They’re inseparable.
It’s the space where energy expresses itself in sensuality and pleasure.
Not only the sensuality connected to sensuality but the fullness of life, being in a body, in the world.
It’s the space of feeling, of sensation, intuition, inspiration.
Healing Within Ourselves, Or Maybe I Don’t Need to be Fixed
I’ve been working in the field of Conscious Sexuality for a long time, teaching and doing one-on-one.
I love the journeys I share because of the depth we go to. That’s really what interests me, the depth, the learning, the understanding, the growth that comes from that.
And the healing.
And that’s what I’d like to share with you, a perspective in healing.
My Relationship With My Yoni
On the wall in my bedroom is a picture of a Lingam, and a stylised Yoni. They were made for me by a lover.
I can’t share the Lingam image with you, it’s been deemed too sexual for some sites, the image with this piece is the Yoni.
A lot of people come to see me, online as well as in person, because relationships have ended or are in trouble.
We talk a lot about the patterns we live with, it’s a cornerstone of my work.
What we come to realize is that these relationships are often, mostly, an expression of the patterns within us.
And a big part of this is the relationship we have with ourselves, with our bodies, hearts and genitals.
Yoni Kiss
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience your pleasure
I offer you my lips, my tongue, my teeth
That you may experience your Yoni
In sensation, in feeling, in energy, in delight, in celebration
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience the nectar of this secret flower of passion
I offer you my mouth
To honour this ocean flesh, this pearl
I offer you my mouth to bring all of these hidden folds of delicate skin to bloom
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience your fire, your gentle, your subtle, your endless pleasure.
Threesome, Sensual, Intimate, Delicious
A while ago I had a 3-way touch experience that was so beautiful, so sensual, so intimate.
It was deeply arousing, with no penetration, no orgasm.
It was just hands flowing over skin, bodies touching, moving, so many places of contact. There was such awareness of sensation, of texture, of breath.
There was the smell of arousal, which, when you open your sense of smell, subtle, so intimate, it’s on the skin of men and women. And it’s appropriate to say that this group was two men and a woman.
It went on and on, caress, stroking, feeling.
Sexually Bored, You Must Be Asleep!
Recently a few people, both couples and single people have come to see me because they’re sexually bored.
I’ve been teaching in the field of Conscious Sexuality for over 20 years, and this is a pretty common thing. In fact in long-term relationships it’s one of the biggest sexual issues that people encounter. And sometimes it doesn’t have to be experienced in a long relationship.
Often we’re bored with our own sexuality, which has nothing to do with our partner’s, it’s fully about us. I’m going to come back to that a little later on.
Recently something landed for me about being sexually bored.
If you are, bored with your sexuality, with the experiences that you’re having you’re either asleep, unconscious, disconnected, so stuck in a pattern, so goal-oriented, so in expectation, so deep in a pattern.
How else can you be sexually bored?
In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.
YoniLIngam in the Body
Much of my work is in the world of sexual healing. At least that’s where many journeys start, then they become more about learning, growing, exploring, expanding. These journeys also become more about life, all aspects of life.
In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.
For Whom do we Heal?
Yesterday I shared a post that I wrote a while ago, called What’s Become of Us.
It’s on my page if you’d like to read it.
It was prompted by a few things. Many women sitting with me and talking about how difficult it is to talk to their male partners about sexual and relationship issues, how they think they have to do it carefully so as not to upset them, how delicately they have to handle it.
There were some great discussions, comments and questions that prompted these thoughts.
We have to heal for ourselves.
We have to grow, to expand, release, for ourselves.
We can’t do it for another.
We can’t do it for a relationship.
We have to do it for ourselves.
What Else is There?
The past weeks have been difficult for me.
I’ve felt a little lost, alone, down. I’m usually quite focused, I’ve been scattered.
I’ve been thinking about where I’m going in a way that’s not directed or clear.
I’ve been procrastinatory.
My energy has been up and down.
Writing has been really hard, not flowing.
I’ve cancelled some workshops, they haven’t felt right.
I’ve been sad.
And something so interesting has emerged.
I’ve spoken about it a little with people I’m working with on healing and growth journeys.
It’s about what else there is, what else there is in the space, in the moment, in the experience.
My Genital Relationship
Much of my work is, or begins with sexuality, the relationship we have with our sexuality is, of course, a large part of this. This relationship forms the framework of the journey, it gives it a context, a place to live in.
And more and more I see the importance of the context.
Our sexuality is not in a vacuum, as many of us express it that way. Our sexuality is not in a little box that we bring out in very specific circumstances and use, then put away again.
Our genitals are not separate for the rest of who we are: bodies, minds, hearts and energy. Everything is connected, entwined, dancing, or not, talking, or not, listening, or not, with each other.
Coffee and Rope
Last week I did a rope workshop facilitated by a friend in Australia.
It was a very non-traditional approach, that wasn’t really about tying, knots, positions etc, which is often quite technical.
This was about the energy of the rope, using the rope as a communication, as a sensual element, as part of the intention and sensuality of the experience, as an energy.
As with all things I learn I couldn’t wait to try it and personalize it, see how it worked, where it could go, what the possibilities were.
Wow!
Self-Pleasuring, An Inner Journey
Our sexuality is a guide, a teacher, a path of personal enquiry, a way to experience energy, a way to access deep states of consciousness, a way to become incredibly intimate with ourselves, a place to become aware of many of our patterns, a way to get to know, explore and experience our bodies, our hearts.
It’s a way for us to heal, so many things, that have nothing to do with sex, as well as sex.
It’s a way to find stillness, the inner quiet that connects us to the deepest parts of ourselves.
It can take us to a meditative state.
It can give us access to creative energy and inspiration.
And it offers us pleasure, deep, limitless pleasure.
My Heart
This is my heart
And I was never taught the mineness of it
Tears of Orgasm
We talk about all the different kinds of orgasms women, and men, can experience.
Many people I, and I’m sure many other practitioners, work with, come to learn how to have these different experiences.
In all of these orgasms there is something that we don’t always mention, and it’s an important experience, for men and women.
It’s also confusing because orgasm is supposed to be about pleasure.
The Yoni and Lingam Meditation of Gazing
Yoni or Lingam Meditation of Gazing is looking with, through, the eyes of your heart.
It’s a meditation on loving, accepting, acknowledging, in the giving and in the receiving.
It’s a meditation on presence, sexual presence, heart presence, body presence.
It’s a meditation where we bring our heart into our gaze, where the vision within the vision, is one of love.
It’s a meditation where we open ourselves to receive, to be seen.
One Breath of Pleasure
There is such power, such possibility, in one breath.
In the world of pleasure we’re often looking for more.
More feeling, more sensation, more experiences, more technique, more partners, more toys…
Most of these things are external, they’re outside of us. And they’re connected to something which is one of the most limiting and contractive things we do.
Chasing.
We live in a society that’s constantly chasing.
Money, pleasure, things, experiences, orgasms, people, chasing.
Making Love With Life and Yoga
I talk about, teach about, Making Love with Life, and the limitless possibilities that that holds for us.
Last week I had such a direct and beautiful experience of this.
In these moments, Life, in whatever form is present, becomes your lover, and you become the lover of life.
As in deep union, deep intimacy with another, you become one. There is no separation between us. There is only love, and love is what brings us to the oneness.
This Sensual Coffee of Presence
The afternoon winter sun, it’s delicious in Johannesburg.
Coffee and a few mouthfuls of something sweet. I have a weakness for pastry, and today it’s a mini almond croissant.
A digression, more coffee shops should have something small, a few mouthfuls to have with coffee, it’s something missing from awareness.
This is a sharing of sensual consciousness, sensual meditation, sensual awareness, how these few moments can bring us into such presence.
I can’t look at the sun directly, I look at its edges, and so often we get to see things by looking at the edges of them, slowly we can see more.
I close my eyes, bring my awareness to the skin of my face, feel the warmth there.
Breathe.
The Nurtured C***
For over 25 years on my journey into Conscious Sexuality I’ve been learning about men and male sexuality.
Firstly by going into my own Sexuality and sensuality, and then by spending so much time with men in a work space.
A great deal of this space has been helping men with sexual issues, love issues, intimacy issues.
I’ve worked with men who have lost their prostate through cancer, men who have lost relationships and marriages, men who struggle with sexual issues across the board.
One of the deepest things I’ve come to see, and how much this impacts on many men in so many ways, is how hard it is for us to receive.
What’s interesting is that I’ve worked with as many gay and bi men, as straight, who have the same issues.
It’s about men, all of us.
Cl-itoral Pulsations
Part of Cl-iteracy, which is to be clitorally literate.
To be literate with something is to know it, to have knowledge of it. And to be able to read it, to understand it.
That on its own is a lot. To know her clitoris, this pearl of pleasure. To know its anatomy, to know how its context, how it connects to a woman, to her body, her heart. And to know how to pleasure, the limitless possibilities of pleasure, this jewel. Which is what the French call her clitoris, bijou, a jewel.
The Subtle Power of Stillness
TThere’s a thing with sex, as soon as we’re inside someone, or someone is inside us, to move.
It’s almost as if our pelvis has a life, a will of its own, as if we’re programmed to move.
Stop.
It might not be easy, because for most of us, sex is about sensation. And the more sensation we have, the more we want.
Yes, it feels good. And when you learn to move in many different ways it feels amazing.
Stop.
It takes consciousness, connection with your body, presence.
Stop.
Tears on my Chest
Tears on my chest
Sacred tears.
I sat with a man in Yab-Yum, holding him, naked chest to naked chest, heart to heart.
We sat in stillness and breathed, coming into our bodies, softening into each other, into the warmth of our skins, into presence.
I began to rock him, to slowly move his body.
We softened into each other, into relaxation, into the breath, into the movement.
I felt the vibration deep inside of him, felt it rise to his heart, felt his body tremble.
I felt his tears on my chest.
My heart melted.
Home
The longing for love is the longing to belong
To know that have a home in the arms that hold you
With the heart that beats alongside yours
In the rhythm of breath
With eyes that see you
Penetration, Heart to Heart
At the opening of her Yoni, pause.
Before you enter her, pause.
Be still, so still.
And so much happens in this stillness, this moment of quiet.
In this moment, this stillness, there’s a listening to your lover, to her body, to her heart.
You’ll only hear it, feel it, in the stillness.
You’re feeling for her to open for you, to welcome you, to draw you in with the invitation of softening.
And the presence of the head of your Lingam is showing your desire for her.
From Hard and Tight to Soft and Open
I was thinking about how much of our sexual experience is in the category of hard and tight.
Hard cocks, tight vaginas.
Hard and tight is a space of pressure, a space of performance, a space of judgment and comparison.
It’s a space of fantasy and illusion.
It’s a space of pressure.
It’s a space with no heart, with no spirit, with no intimacy, with no energy.
It’s a space of almost using someone else’s body to masturbate, and we call it sex.
Healers and Lovers
I think we need more lovers than healers.
We need more people to hold a space for us to feel loved in, simply loved.
And this is where the healing happens.
It’s in the space of being.
It’s in the space of being heard, of being seen.
It’s in the space of being who we are, as we are, and in time to come to the deeper parts of who we are. In time to connect with parts we’ve separated from, been separated from. In time to find the essence of who we are.
Energy Sex
Every time we look into each other’s eyes, energy travels from me to you, you to me.
Every kiss, every touch, energy.
I breathe your breath into me, I take your essence, I give you mine.
Every touch, energy.
We go deeper into each other.
There’s a dance of light and colour between us, unseen, yet known.
Holding the Place to be Met
From a place in my heart comes the ancient and sacred practice of holding, of resting my hands on your body.
In stillness, deep stillness.
In reverence.
In love.
For over 25 years I’ve been teaching, exploring and experiencing in the worlds of touch and massage.
In this I’ve seen that the expressions of touch are limitless, and that not all touch is movement.
There is such power, such possibility in stillness.
In holding, holding someone, holding somewhere on their body, resting your hands on them.
In that touch, in the breath.
In softening my hands on your body, touching from my heart.
There’s a melting into each other, an opening, a softening.
