A Shift in Perspective on Oral Pleasure




A while ago a woman asked me a question, How do I give a better Blow-Job?

On the surface it’s a simple question, and as I see more and more, the simple questions have such depth.


We spoke a little about it, and she said that her first thought was about techniques. She thought she didn’t know enough, and if she learned more of the skills involved it would improve her performance.

Then we had a discussion about that, performance.

I asked why she thought of it as a performance, who was she performing for?

She said she wanted to giver her partner the most pleasure.

I said that maybe performance and pleasure weren’t the same thing, that performance was about creating pressure, it was about being judged, graded, given a bronze, silver or gold medal, whatever the criteria were.

So we spoke a little about pleasure.

And whose pleasure. Aah, that struck a chord somewhere.

Pleasure for both of us she said, I never thought about that before.

We spoke about how many women do things sexually, a Blow-Job being a good example, that they don’t really enjoy, because it’s expected, because it’s part of sex, because it’s what their partners want, because it’s in porn, many reasons. And there’s not always a whole lot of pleasure for them. She said some of her friends had said the same thing. They’re neutral about it. They don’t mind it. It’s not that enjoyable for them. They do it because he wants it.


I love teaching the technique stuff, it’s interesting, the anatomy, the way we do things. It’s wonderful sharing, simply helping people be able to do something differently, and in that generally enjoy it more, feel more confident in it, own more of themselves in it. So we spent some time with the different techniques.

It’s also important to understand that the techniques of sex are not everything, actually maybe a small part of any experience. So many of us get hung up on the techniques. This is the way to give an amazing blow-job, this is how to make a woman squirt, so many more things like that.

If that’s our focus, connection and intimacy generally isn’t.

Pleasure isn’t.

Energy isn’t.

The techniques, if that’s all we’ve got, are about performance.

We want an outcome, a result.

One result.

And we lose the amazing, delicious possibilities that arise along the way.


Then I shared this with her.

Forget about what we’ve just done and shift your perspective.

Bring your awareness to you, to your mouth, to your hands, to your heart, to your breath, to your body.

Bring your awareness to your energy, your sensuality.

Feel what his Lingam, her choice of word, feels like when you hold it, what it feels like for you.

Feel the texture of the skin, for you.

And when you bring your mouth close, close your eyes, breathe his scent in, for you.

And when you kiss his Lingam, anywhere, whether it’s hard or soft, feel the sensation on your lips.

And when you take him into your mouth feel the sensation, the feelings, the heat, the throbbing, the energy, in your mouth. Feel it for you.

Slow Down so that you can feel it.

Slow Down so that you taste him.

Slow Down so that you feel him on Your tongue, bring your awareness to you.

Every movement that you make, firm or gentle, quick or slow, feel it in you, what’s the sensation, the energy, the feeling in you.


I saw something light up inside of her.

It’s about not ‘giving a blow-job’, it’s about making love with your partner, with his Lingam, it’s about making love with yourself, with your mouth, with, through his Lingam.


With this awareness you’ll naturally let go of the performance, you let go of the technique.

You do things that you may not remember, your body will.

You’ll do things that may be different every time.

And what’s interesting is that the pleasure for both of you is deepened, expanded.

When there’s pleasure for you, that flows naturally from you to your lover.


A world of possibility in your mouth, your heart, his Lingam.


And I am going to add this, if you’d like to learn some of the techniques I have produced a BJ DVD, please message me for the link.