Awakening The Beast – On The Path of Sexual Authenticity
A few weeks ago I wrote a piece called Exploring The Fire.
Since then I’ve had conversations with and Sat with people in my office who have all said something similar, and most of them have used exactly the same words.
‘I want to meet my beast.’
Men and Women.
‘I want to meet my beast.’
They know it’s there, deep inside, they’ve had glimpses of it, felt it, felt the fire, the heat, the passion, the desire.
They’ve felt the strength of this energy.
And they want to know it.
They know, just know, clear intuition, how much of their authenticity is in that energy.
How much of their power, their strength.
And how much of their heart is there.
A heart of fire that yearns to love, to live, to the fullest.
I’d had inklings of my beast a long time, and the first time I saw it I was terrified because I saw what it could do.
I saw that without awareness, without consciousness, without it having a proper place inside of me, how destructive it could be, how it had no limits.
The first time was with a woman who picked up a cane, gave it to me, bent over her bed and said to me, ‘hit me.’
I’m pretty gentle, so I kind of tapped her.
‘Hit me’ she said, loudly, with force.
I hit her a little harder.
She yelled at me, ‘hit me.’
Saw the mark on her ass, did it again.
And felt something within me that I couldn’t name then, so powerful, that I knew in that moment I wasn’t ready for, I saw what I could do that night and I literally ran out of her apartment.
I learned a little more, in so many ways, but not enough to open to that energy again.
Then one night during a plant ceremony the beast was present.
I felt him in my viscera, in my blood, in my hands, in my mouth, in my cock.
I felt the power.
I was lying next to my lover and in that moment my hands felt like claws that could have reached into her chest, pulled her heart out and eaten it.
We talked, him and I.
We talked lots.
We talked about passion and desire.
We talked about the nature of his presence, not always easy for me, who likes the soft, the gentle.
And I saw how much a part of me this energy is.
How important it is in the fullness of myself.
And how it can be tempered into such sensation, such desire.
How I can look at my lover and go deep, so deep that she sees, feels that. How it arouses her to be wanted so much. How I squeeze and twist her flesh, and know how far to go. How to bite her and not take a mouthful of flesh, literally. How to take her, and myself beyond being awake into hyper consciousness, the trance of sensation and pleasure.
I even learned how to bring some of this into massage.
There is such deep freedom in this, such freedom to let all these aspects of myself be present, to know them, acknowledge them, see how they fit into me, and me into them. How they become teachers for me, in so many ways and parts of life. See how the more sexually conscious we become, really know our sexual selves, how that connects to so many other parts of life. To what we’ve done, what’s been done to us. And how we can use that energy to heal, to grow, to expand, to create, to connect.
To see all of who we are.
And love, such love, in a way that deepens our love for ourselves, and for another.
And intimacy, such intimacy as we reveal these parts of our beings.
And pleasure, such pleasure as we explore worlds of sensation, of feeling, of this mystery that is the body.
Most of my work, and in my personal life, is gentle, slow, patient, tender.
This is much as me, the fire, as the soft.
Through knowing my own beast I understand what you’re looking for.
I understand how it needs to be there, and the part it plays, how vital it is.
And how vital for us to acknowledge all of who are.