Being A Good Lover Is…



There is a really interesting aspect of being a good lover that we don’t always connect with sex.


Almost everyone who shares a healing and growth with me at some point says that they’re amazed at how it has everything to do with sex and nothing to do with sex.

This is the same.


Sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It doesn’t take place in a separate space from the rest of our lives, and it definitely is connected to the rest of a relationship.

So much that sex is about isn’t in the bedroom.

In Conscious Sexuality this is an important principle. So many aspects and patterns in our lives play out in our sexuality, and our sexuality is reflected in so many other aspects of our lives.


The aspect of being a good lover I’m talking about is this.

Be kind to your lover. Be with your lover, talk to her, act with her in a way that is considerate, inclusive, connected.

And I say her here simply because so many women talk about this.


‘How does he expect me to feel sexual and loving towards him when he’s rude to me, when he’s nasty, when he ignores me, when he puts me down, when he is ugly, when he’s not helpful, when he makes fun of me…’.

And so many similar things.

Nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with sex.


When a woman feels appreciated, seen, heard, acknowledged, included, respected, considered, helped, loved, in every way, in every way, there will be more sex.

That’s important to understand, how connected her heart and Yoni are.

And the more her heart is open, the greater desire to be more sensual and sexual. It’s a natural flow of energy in the body.


So many people see sex as an act, it has a beginning and an end.

We generally call the beginning Foreplay.

And so many people will teach you if you start this early in the day, send a message etc, it will be more effective.

That’s fine, of course it is.

And it still makes sex a separate thing to the rest of the relationship. It’s sex.

It starts, it ends, hopefully fulfilling for everyone.

It’s about doing sex, not being sexual. It’s about switching it on and off.

When it’s in the context of everything else in your relationship, when it’s an extension of the way you love, the way you are with each other, the more it flows.

And the more sex there will be.


Sexual skills are important, yes they are.

Knowing about her body, how to touch, how to kiss, how to lick, how to penetrate, important.

Knowing about her pleasure spots, how to find them, how to awaken them, how to stimulate them, important.

Knowing more about how to be in the fullness of being a lover, even more important.

And even more important in sustaining a relationship.

It’s about intimacy, and that’s one of the most powerful ways we build intimacy.

Intimacy is what holds a relationship together, intimacy is the glue, the strands that connect us, the web of life, of love, of pleasure.


This is where we understand more of what being a good lover really is. In the fullness of who we are.

This is where we open the doors of possibility to deep pleasure, openness, sharing and love.