Coffee, Banana Bread and…




Coffee, Banana Bread and…

Coffee this afternoon is delicious, with home-made banana bread that my daughter made.
I’ve been a single parent since she was 4,we’re very close, a relationship that we’ve nurtured, grown and developed over time. We’ve been through a lot together, some great struggles, emotionally, financially, spiritually. We even did a radio show together, talking about what it was like growing up with me as a father.
She has been one of my greatest teachers.

I’m often asked by parents how to talk to their kids about sex. I’m not an expert on it, and the one thing I say is about keeping the communication open. As they get older and many issues of life come up, to be able to talk, for your kids to be able to come and tell you anything is one of the most beautiful and precious things you can have.
I’ve seen, in my work, and personal life, the pain, rejection and loneliness not having that brings, not having that support.

As I write this so much else comes to mind about this. I was going in a totally different direction, that’ll keep.

My journey, the path I chose, was not an easy one.
Working with sexuality in a conservative country like South Africa wasn’t easy.
Sexual bodywork, Conscious sexual massage, sexual healing, was, and still is, out there. It’s becoming more accepted, there is more openness, there is greater interest, there are more people learning and exploring.
The Neo-Tantric community, the Conscious Sexual Community, is growing.
There’s a small and strong swinger’s community. There’s a small and strong bondage community here.
A digression, early on in my journey I was involved in an adult fantasy club. When I first went there I thought how amazing this was, how many people to share with and teach. Naive. I learned a lot, so much. And as massage and bodywork was what I was doing most then, having access to so many people was fantastic. I was able to do so much massage, so much yoni massage, lingam massage and learn in a way that nothing else can give other than the thousands of hours I was able to do.
We like, love, are interested in, are drawn to, are fascinated by sex. But most of us do what we do, what we know. Whether it’s fulfilling, whether it gives us great pleasure and possibility or not, we do what we do. We stay where we are.
We like the surface of sex, we like the porn-model of sex, we like the fantasy, the conditioning we have.
Digression over.

I’ve learned this, as a parent, and as a student, as a practitioner.
So much of the growth of the people around you comes from the growth within you.
So much of the healing around you comes from the healing within you.
If you are uncomfortable in your sexuality, in your body, with your body, if you are embarrasses about sex, if you are judgmental, dosconnected, guilty, your kids will pick that up. And that makes it really hard for them to talk to you.
You’ll find an interesting connection between emotional openness and talking to your children.
It’s an expression of us, of who we are.
The more we do our work, the more open we are, the more open the space with our kids will be.
That openness, that space of sharing is invaluable, as you both go through life, and all the things that happen to us.
And as much as we say ‘that’ll never happen to me…’

I’ve sat at so many functions and gatherings of all sorts, and listened to the stories people tell about what their children do.
When my daughter was a teenager I remember the calls we’d get on Sundays about what her friends did the night before and couldn’t talk to their parents about. They know they could phone her and she’d ask me.

This is not just about sex, it’s about all of life. It’s really about the pattern of life.
If we have that openness, we can put anything in that space.

I will say that we’re times that I did get more information from her about what she was doing, that was always comfortable, the openness was more important.
And if there are things you can’t talk about, don’t know about, find the right person for them.

Now I am going to get ready for a Perineal Massage Lesson. I’ve been working with a midwife for more than 15 years. I’ve developed a perineal massage based on pleasure and intimacy, so it doesn’t tear during birth. Through this she has the highest intact perineum rate in the country. Episiotomies, tearing, can cause deep pain, trauma and discomfort on any levels for years afterwards.
I love everything I do, this one has always been special to me.