‘I was thinking about the experiences I’ve had with you, which were some of the most powerful I’ve had in my life. One of the elements that made them so deep was that there was no rush. In a few ways. And I realised how many sexual experiences I’ve had that were rushed.’
‘What happened when you felt rushed?’
‘The first thing that comes to mind is that I never felt fully aroused. There was a little arousal, it started, but it never had time to grow. And as I’m thinking about it, there was a feeling of frustration with it. Because I know how much more there is. Even then, when I didn’t know a lot about my sexuality, I just knew there was more.’
‘As you’re saying that I get a sense of a flower, or a fire, even a wave, that starts to bloom, or burn, and gets stifled, constricted.’
‘That’s exactly what it felt like, and frustrating. And from the frustration the arousal becomes less. And then I noticed how much of a pattern that was, in my body, and in my feelings. Frustrated, and disappointed.’
‘It must be difficult to stay intimate and connected when that happens, I’m asking that as a question?’
‘It was, it is. And I’ve noticed there’s a subtle withdrawal, a definite shutdown deep inside of me.’
‘What happens after that, what do you feel next?’
‘Pressure.’
‘That was a quick response.’
‘It was. And it’s very clear. Pressure. Pressure to get with the programme, to make it happen in the way he thinks it should happen, tick the boxes, get wet, have an orgasm, allow him inside of me. It’s almost as if there’s an urgency, like getting it done is more important than what’s happening. And all of that feels pressured, which takes me away from really feeling.’
‘There does seem to be a lot of urgency from men, almost as if they’re scared to slow down. I actually had a thought about that recently. We’re so used to doing in, during, sex, and doing what we do, what we’re used to doing, that if we slow down, we don’t know what to do in the slowness.
So what happens when there’s no rush?’
‘I wish you could see my smile.
When there’s no rush I can get more fully aroused. I know, I’ve learned on this journey that deep arousal takes time, and we don’t always have a lot of time. And as I say that I realise that you don’t always need a lot of time, it’s the sense of being rushed that interferes with pleasure.
So I can get more aroused, and that sometimes even happens quicker, when there’s a flow, a rhythm that’s not forced.
And then even if it’s a quickie, I still get amazingly turned-on. One of the things in this is not trying to force an orgasm, not trying to make me come, especially when it’s not there, or close. There’s a relaxation in this, let the experience be that it is.
And I love that, since I learned it.’
‘That’s beautiful, thank you.’
