A few years ago I went through a period of celibacy.
For someone who teaches in sexuality this created many fascinating possibilities.
It also gave me the space, which has continued, to look at my own sexuality.
A big part of this journey has been the relationship we have with our bodies, our genitals and our sexuality.
Working with people for over 25 years in sexual healing, learning and exploring, the relationship with ourselves is a vital element.
And part of this is the conversations we have with ourselves.
One of these has been the conversations I’ve had with my c@&k, the different expressions of myself, my sexuality, my heart and my desire, expressed through him.
For a long time we’ve had a deep connection, a conscious connection where he is an aspect of myself that expresses as a being, a being that’s a part of me.
When this began we spoke about the name, the title, what he’d most prefer being called.
C&*k.
And there are times in ceremony, in sacred sexual ritual where he is a Lingam.
But more than anything, he is my c&*k.
And over the years of being sexually alone, many expressions of this energy have been present in conversation.
We talk.
We talk about how many ways there are to be, to make love, to experience pleasure.
We talk about how many ways there are to be a sexual man, a sensual man, an erotic man.
We talk about being soft, and vulnerable, we talk about what it is to receive.
We talk about dropping the need to perform.
We talk about what love is, what surrender is.
To surrender to sensation, to feeling.
We talk about intimacy, and his true, deep desire for that.
We talk about gentleness, how he longs to be touched, caressed, kissed with tenderness.
We talk about the illusion, the myth of manhood we’ve been given.
We talk about his loneliness, his solitude.
We talk about his disconnect, how he’s simply an appendage.
We talk about he’s used, compared, judged.
We talk about his tears.
We talk about time, of energy, of pleasure.
We talk about what it is to desire, to feel desire.
We talk about what it is to be inside of someone with the intention of connection.
We talk about what it is to be inside of someone with the intention of giving.
We talk about what it is to be inside of someone with the intention of energy.
We talk about what it is to be inside of someone slowly, so slowly.
We talk about what it is to be inside of someone exploring, sensation, feeling.
We talk about what that is, to make love, to express that through the energy of c&*k and heart.
We talk about what it is to be looking into someone’s eyes, inside of you.
We talk about how to extend our energy to penetrate the heart.
We talk about offering ourselves to someone for their pleasure, their energy.
We talk about waiting to be invited, desired.
We talk about the throbbing, pulsating desire within us, the desire to be seen, to be felt, to be worshipped.
We talk about the thirst for your liquid heat.
We talk about the longing to feel accepted and loved.
We talk about the vulnerability of desire.
We talk about the voice, his voice, my voice, how often he’s been silent, shamed, fearful, tentative.
We talk about how he longs to celebrate his voice, to sing, to shout, to dance in ecstatic bliss.
We talk about his strength, his power, his fire.
We talk about how deep inside me he is, where his root is.
We talk about his energy.
We talk about the space within him, the space he fills.
We talk about the c&*k of pleasure that has learned to be the most exquisite giver and receiver.
We’ve explored so many sexual possibilities, so much about pleasure.
He has such a deep desire for expression, for the art of lovemaking.
We talk about the energy of his expression, we breathe.
We understand that to share that level of pleasure we need a lover who has done her learning, been on her journey.
And the desire is patience.
We talk about the mystical c&*k, the c&*k that’s an expression, of energy, of my heart.
He has learned about the depths of sacred sex.
He thirsts for the nectar deep inside a yoni that’s released only after a long time of sex in a space of deep intimacy.
He knows how to expand his energy, to reach through your body to touch your heart.
With him, we make love to the universe.
Our conversations are filled with the awareness that the inner work I do will manifest through him in time.
His desire is deep, and so is his willingness to sit in stillness.
We talk about the c&*k of fire.
He has a voice that growls and shouts in his passion.
He stands before me, burning with heat.
I feel him in my hands, their desire to squeeze your flesh, in my mouth and its desire to feed on you, bite you, devour you.
And he knows, he knows that he needs a mate to match his fire or he cannot burn to the fullness of his heat.
There’s the c&*k of my heart that longs for the intimacy it knows, for the sweetness of connection.
He and my heart are one energy channel.
I flow out through him, love, life flows into me through him.
He is tender.
We talk.
We breathe.
We feel.
We connect with my heart.
We learn more of stillness.
We learn more of energy.
We learn more of love.
We are one.
