I’ve been teaching a new workshop called Exceptional Sex. It’s more about the ideas and principles that can expand your pleasure experiences than actual techniques, although I have included some practices in the workshop. One of the most important of these ideas is Curiosity.
Curiosity allows us to explore. It gets us out of our patterns. Understanding the importance of patterns is important in changing our sexual experiences. It’s quite simple, we do what we know, and we know what we do. Our sexual patterns mean that we do what’s on our comfort zone, what works, or what we think works, or what we know. The patterns keep us doing the same thing over and over. And we have the same experiences.
Curiosity takes us out of this cycle. It takes us to the place of possibility, to I wonder, to what if, to what could, to hmmm, to oh my, to wow, to oh God do that again… It takes us to feeling, to sensation beyond what we know. To experiences new and strange and exciting. It takes us deeper into our bodies, our minds and our hearts.
Curiosity grows us, challenges us, to go where we have never been before, to do things differently. And one of the gifts of this is one of the principles of Conscious Sexuality. Our sexuality is an integral part of who we are, connected to almost every aspect of our lives. What we heal and learn in this space, we can take into life. Each part reflects the whole. As we change one thing within us, within our pleasure, within our relationships, so that change can move through us into other parts of our being.
Curiosity takes us beyond the goal. We’ve made sex about orgasm, and as wonderful as orgasms are, they’re also a limitation in having exceptional sex. When sex is all about that goal it keeps us trapped in a pattern. We focus on what we need to do to get there, not what we’re feeling and experiencing at that moment. The present becomes the surface rather than the depth. We can’t enjoy the sensations and emotions too much, we can’t explore the nuance, the subtlety, the layers, the what is, the where we are, the intimacy, because we have to get somewhere else.
Curiosity is excitement. One of the single biggest sexual issues in long relationships is boredom. We do what we do, what we know. Excitement keeps things alive. It’s one of the most important qualities of keeping the brain and the body healthy. So sexual curiosity contributes enormously to continued health. Brain plasticity is vital for mental, emotional and physical health. Curiosity helps keep our brains working well and growing.
Curiosity deepens communication. We have to talk about what we’d like to do, what we’re learning, and what the experiences show us, what did we feel, how did it work, what else can we do, if this was good how about that, this makes me think of, I’d like to… This communication leads to deeper intimacy and connection, to greater openness, to sharing feelings more. It’s healing and revealing in that it brings our insecurities to awareness. This is the path to authenticity. This is where we share ourselves and where we connect in a space of openness with our partners.
Curiosity takes us beyond judgement to a space of greater freedom. We acknowledge things about ourselves we might not have before. And as we explore more, more opens, one thing leads to another, opens something else, takes us down a different path, reveals another aspect of something, shows us more of ourselves.
And if we acknowledge it, we’re all sexually and sensually curious in some way. There are things which interest us, things which draw us, things which fascinate us. Even talking about them, watching them, reading about them. And so the journey begins…
Such a simple thing, such a beautiful thing, such a powerful thing, curiosity.