Giving Myself Away Over Coffee




Coffee this afternoon is back home in Johannesburg.

There’s a rain shower, gentle rain, and I can see the sun shining in some parts of the sky, in the distance.

The sound of the raindrops falling on the different surfaces, the grass, the trees, the roof, the railings of the balcony, come together, separate.

My cup is nearly empty as I write this, something that’s been inside for a long time.

I think about all the times I gave myself away for love. I think about all the times I gave parts of myself away for love.

I know how many people have done this, I know how many people I’ve worked with over the years who have done this.

I know how many people I’ve worked with, and at the moment who are asking similar questions, who are not in relationship.

I know how I gave myself away for affection, for touch, for pleasure.

I see something I hadn’t seen before.

It’s been 19 months since I’ve been with someone sexually.

I’ve had some moments of intimacy and connection, brief moments.

This time has taken me deep into my own sexuality, conversations with my body, with my heart, with my cock.

We so often only see ourselves as sexual in connection with another, others. This inward journey has been beautiful, fascinating, lonely, entrancing, challenging…

Some of the conversations have been going on for months, coming back to them from different perspectives. Some of them have no answers, simply possibilities.

From this time a stillness, a quietness within me has settled.

I’m learning more of what the deep erotic space is, of subtlety, of holding space in a different way, of what sexual healing is.

I’m seeing more of the patterns that drive our sexuality, how we’re seldom conscious during sex, of what’s deeper in the experience, the aspects of ourselves being expressed. There’s no judgment in that, simply to say that as we become more aware, more open, we’ll express ourselves differently.

And over time a growing awareness, a beautiful piece of the puzzle expanding the picture.

For many of us, sex becomes a default setting when we’re aroused.

It’s but one channel of energy in the unlimited stream of erotic possibilities.

When we’re looking to go deeper into the consciousness, the energy of sex, of pleasure of the heart, learning to stay with the energy, in the energy, becomes vital.

Sex is a beautiful way to express it, there’s more.

With the awareness of that we open doors of possibility, of so many different experiences.

Going into this we see the richness, the fullness of our sexuality, how much there is to explore, learn, feel.

Not only the fantasies we have, all the fascinating things that interest us, arouse us, draw us, but going deeper into ourselves, sexual beings in fullness.

Within us.

Within ourselves.

The rain has stopped, and there’s a shaft of sunlight on the table, slowly moving towards me.

Thank you for reading this.