Hey Man, Learn to Soften


I work a lot with men with ‘performance’ issues.

And that’s a big part of the problem.

It’s not a performance.

It’s not a race, a competition, an achievement. It’s not something you have to make happen.

As soon as there’s performance, there’s pressure. You succeed or you fail.

And in that there is no space for pleasure.

There’s no space for intimacy.

There’s no space for presence.


Performance has resistance, in the mind, in the body, in the heart.

It’s hard, and it becomes a difficult path.

Performance, sexual performance, is based on an external judgment, someone else’s idea of how long, how big, how hard.

And so much of that is based on a porn model, a fantasy, an illusion, that keeps you from amazing pleasure.

Even porn itself, where so much of the way we look at sex, especially men, comes from, is about performance rather than pleasure.


There is another way.

To soften.

To soften into ourselves.

To soften into pleasure.

And what’s so interesting is that when we follow this path, things change, naturally.

And what we change lasts.

Because it’s about bringing ourselves into connection with our authentic sexual selves, which has the inner knowing of how to be.

It’s creating a relationship with ourselves that’s around, about, on and in pleasure.

It’s knowing that our sexuality is in our bodies, our hearts, our minds and our energy.

When we look at it one-dimensionally, which we often do, we ignore huge parts of ourselves.

We take a pill, have an injection, maybe talk a little bit about it.

It’s only when we bring all the aspects of ourslves together that something can change.


There’s a powerful reframing that can see this as an amazing opportunity to explore ourselves.

To learn about who we are as sexual beings. What we think about sex, about pleasure, about our bodies, genitals. How we can be, and what we can do.

What we can learn, expand, discover.

It’s an inner journey.

It’s not about a partner, he or she. It’s not about what they will or won’t do. It’s not about acting any fantasy out. It’s not about any particular sexual experience.

It’s about us.

Who we are as sexual beings, and how we are as sexual beings.


And more than anything else it’s about the biggest disconnect we’ve experienced as men.

From our hearts and that’s the key.


All the other stuff we do on healing journeys is important.

The ideas and principles we talk about.

The shifting perspectives.

The meditations, visualizations, breathing.

The bodywork, so important.

And it’s all connected to the heart.

I love teaching all that stuff.

I love the understanding the practices bring.

I love the experiences, the journeys they take us on.

I love the feelings and sensations they bring us to.

And really, they’re all about connecting us to ourselves.

Yes they’re important.


We heal our sexuality in the heart, more than anywhere else.

There’s no performance in the heart, only love.

There’s no pressure in the heart, only love.

When we are in our hearts, when our Lingam and Heart are connected, when energy is flowing, our bodies know exactly, amazingly, what to do.


More and more on this journey I see the simplicity of this connection.

How we get there, us being us, with these complex minds, bodies, pasts, experiences, memories, patterns, conditioning, expectations, all the things that make us who we are, is not so simple.

And yet, simple.

The more we’re in our hearts, the more the healing happens.

The more we see pleasure, feel pleasure, know pleasure, the less we have to perform.

And our bodies change.

I’ve seen it, see it more and more.


For so many men, until we realize it, sex is about control.

And a part of that is controlling our bodies.

The more we try and control our sexual response, what our bodies are doing, the more anxiety, the more struggle, the more judgment, and the more things like shame and embarrassment arise within us.


Stop trying to be a performer, be a lover, a pleasure being.

It flows from there, beautifully and naturally.


Please contact me if you’d like to explore…