Many women have been penetrated too quickly, often way before their bodies are ready to have something inside.
The impact of this is tension in the tissues of the yoni, often around and just inside the opening. This causes pain, particularly during penetration, whether it’s a finger or a cock.
The tension that sits in the tissues prevents sensation, so what should be alive, awake, receptive and open is numb, tender or painful.
Firstly this comes from a lack of understanding of arousal.
It takes time.
It takes the time it takes, which is different for every woman, and different every day.
Then there’s the incredible desire most men, and some women have, to be inside of you.
That’s the goal for so many people when it comes to sex, get inside.
When we’re young and start having sex often things like time, privacy and relaxation are not part of the experience.
Desire is so high.
Communication is so low.
I just want to be inside of you.
Then penetration itself isn’t slow.
It’s not an exploration, it’s not allowing, it’s a pushing, a thrusting.
When the yoni isn’t ready, relaxed, open, there’s pain, there’s tension, there’s a tightening.
And the pattern becomes set.
Your body experiences it once, twice, again and the pattern becomes physical.
Then it becomes an energy, then it’s in your mind as well.
And as soon as the thought of sex is there, your body tightens in anticipation of the feeling.
And when we’re young, and we haven’t been taught to communicate about sex, and the desire is so high, we don’t know how to say slow down, I’m not ready.
Part of this is the lack of education for pleasure, the lack of understanding of a woman’s sexual cycle, and the lack of understanding that her body is hers, that her pleasure is about her first, and that sex is about her first.
Which brings something interesting to mind.
So many men are concerned with her orgasm, making her come. And thinking that this is about her and her pleasure. More often than not it’s about him, his performance, his prowess, his technique, his experience, and his ego.
What that does is it creates pressure.
And it moves away from the amazing, beautiful and unlimited possibilities in the field of sexual energy and pleasure.
Often because all we want to is get inside.
As quickly as we can.
And once we’re inside of her, that becomes a whole other experience, because what we do is often so limited.
Most men, and women, simply experience ‘friction sex.’
Hard, fast, deep, a hammer, a stud.
A porn way of having sex that totally excludes exploring sensation, the fact that inside her yoni are so many pleasure spots.
That totally excludes the sensations on the head of a cock.
That totally has no understanding of allowing sensation and energy to build and spread and the power of breath and stillness in that.
And the healing that can happen with gentleness, where a lingam can become an instrument of healing, of softening, of opening, over time.
And so much is because we just want to be inside too quickly.
The pain creates a fear of penetration.
Which, over time closes intimacy down, creates a disconnect between the body and the heart.
If I know it’s going to be painful then I don’t want to go there.
When a man becomes aware of this, I’ve seen this with so many couples over the years, it’s distressing for him.
And the impact on a relationship is big.
He doesn’t want to hurt her.
He desires her, he loves her.
He wants to give her pleasure.
He wants to have pleasure.
She wants to give him pleasure.
She wants to have pleasure.
And it’s painful.
They go round and round the cycle.
It causes frustration, confusion, resentment, anger, disconnect, separation.
And more times than not it becomes easier to not have sex.
The healing is in the mind and in the body.
It’s understanding the pattern.
Understanding where it came from.
Creating a new awareness in the mind using visualization, breath, releasing the past.
In the body it’s releasing the tension in the tissues with very, very slow, very gentle touch.
It’s in taking time.
It’s in allowing the body to let go, to release, to relax, to open.
It’s in learning to communicate.
It’s in taking pressure and expectation away.
It’s in connecting to the heart.
It’s in creating new understandings of pleasure.
It’s in allowing energy to move.
And it’s in slowly creating new possibilities.
