Learning About The Fire





There are so many myths about sex.

There are so many myths about sexuality.

There are so many myths about desire.

There are so many myths about what women want.

There are so many myths about what men want.


Here’s how I started learning about the fire.

One sentence, that shocked me.


A long time ago I had a lover, a woman of incredible sensuality who was in touch with her sexuality, who knew about sexual energy, who was exploring more of herself.

One night she said, ‘I want you fuck my cunt as hard as you can.’

The first shock for me was the word that I had come to think was so ugly. And here was my lover, so educated, so cultured using it.

In time I came to see the power and beauty in it, as with so many things that are seemingly profane.

The second shock was that I was more in touch with the softer side of my own sexuality, the sensual, the slow. And in that, and in what I’d heard about how roughly so many women had been touched, how little regard for their pleasure there was, thought that was the ultimate in pleasure.

In my simplicity and naivety at the time I was shocked.


And so I started learning about the fire.

And this learning goes deep, continuing to this day and beyond.


I learnt that it’s not just about slamming your cock into her.

On the surface, that’s easy.

Or so many men think.

Watch porn for a while, you’ll learn.

No you won’t.

To really do that, really fuck hard and long and deep requires something very physical. It’s about strength, it’s about flexibility, it’s about breath. That’s the easy part, the physical.

But there’s more much more.

There’s bringing your whole being to that moment.

There’s presence, you’re there with her.

Every cell in your body is there, every breath is there.

Your heart is there, your mind is there, your very soul is there.

Your sweat, your grunts, your growls, your shout is there.

It’s not a sanitized porn version of sex where men make no sounds.

It’s energy, your masculine energy, in all that it can be, in your body, with her.

It’s holding her, squeezing her, twisting her flesh in your hands.

It’s looking into her eyes, so deep that you see her fire, sacred in its beauty.

And all of that comes into your body, into the sexual moment that is there, now, burning with an urgency of passion.


It takes time to learn about this fire.

First you learn about it within yourself.

You do your work, going beyond the myths and misunderstandings of sex, going into energy, into power, into space.

You go deep into what your sexuality is, who you are as a sexual being, a man.

You come to your fire, to know it, to feel it, to explore it.

You surrender to it.


A woman will only come to her fire through doing her work.

And she’ll only let it out if she feels safe to do that.

She’ll only show it when she knows that you’re going to hold the space for it, to look deeply into it to step into it, to match it, to surrender to yourself, to the power you are in that moment.


I have had the incredible experience of having lovers of amazing sensuality, sexuality.

I’ve seen the depth of their passion, I’ve seen the depth of their desire.

I’ve seen the freedom they claim in expressing this sexual fire.

I’ve seen what is within these women, and how few women allow themselves this.

In my work I see it, I see how it scares them, how its power and strength is scary. They don’t know what to do with it. And they know that their men certainly don’t know what to do with it.

And it remains hidden, it’s there, once it’s been acknowledged, it’s there. It can’t be unseen. But it can be suppressed.

Sometimes it causes chaos inside, in its desire to be expressed, to be fulfilled, to be allowed out.


It shows how entwined and connected we are on this healing journey.

The space we give each other, hold for each other.

In my sexual self is the space for you, in yours the space for me.


And it’s not only about fucking hard.

That’s just one expression of the fire.

From the women I’ve shared this space with I’ve learnt of how wide, how broad, how high, how deep their desires and wants are.

And the freedom, for both of us, in going to these places.


And so I invite you to come and learn about the fire.

It’s a world of endless possibility.