Life is too short to have bad sex, and too short to have bad love.
It’s also too short to have bad coffee.
And a whole lot of other things.
Which begs the question. What is bad sex?
There’s an old joke that if you ask most men what bad sex is, they’ll say that as long as they’re having sex, it’s good.
Which has absolutely nothing to do with the quality.
Which takes us back to What is bad sex?
I don’t know that there’s one definition of bad sex, in the same way that there’s not one definition of good sex.
I think that the way to look at it is in the moment.
What are we bringing to our sexual experience, what are we wanting from the experience?
If we’re sexually present, what we want is different every day, every experience. And the kind of experience we want is different.
Because we live such patterned and conditioned lives, because our sexuality is so patterned, and because it’s generally the part of life we talk about the least, openly, honestly.
Because of this, because our experiences are pretty much the same, we actually have no idea as to what the experience is.
When we become more aware, more conscious in our sexuality.
When we spend some time thinking about what we’d really like from our pleasure.
When we get out of goal-oriented sex.
When we get out of the expectation of what it’s going to be, how it’s going to be, how it will feel.
We become more aware of what will be fulfilling, and how wide that is.
It’s so much about the relationship we have with our sexuality, with our desire, with our eroticism, with our body, with our heart.
It’s about listening to what’s inside of us, what’s alive, what’s awake, what’s hungry right now.
Which is about being present.
Which takes us to the awareness that a big part of good sex, a huge part of good sex, is presence.
To have these experiences of greater fulfillment we need to connect with ourselves, which makes our pleasure more about us than another.
We need to communicate, and not have the expectation that our lover is a mind-reader.
We need to be open to explore and discover, because a great deal of fulfillment comes from experimenting, from learning.
We also need to be open to what is present in an experience, in the moment.
Because often what we’re looking for is there, we’re not seeing it, feeling it.
I often quote a line from The Rocky Horror Show.
It’s just a jump to the left, and then a step to the right.
It’s being willing to loosen our necks, open our minds, soften our bodies, connect with our hearts, into a space of delicious possibility.
There’s something I hear a lot from people I work with. It’s about that after sex, often even though they’ve had an orgasm, there’s an emptiness, something that still hasn’t been touched, seen, acknowledged, felt.
The shift is into pleasure, intimacy, into the moment.
Into exploring, tasting, feeling, where the fulfillment is, and stepping, with courage sometimes, into the freedom, into the space where we breathe into the peace of being met.
