Looking for Intimacy




I have had some incredibly painful, sad and deep conversations over the past few weeks. These have been with men and women, single people and couples.


So much of it comes to this.

We’re looking for, wanting, craving, intimacy.

And so much that comes from intimacy.

Connection, tenderness, fulfillment, belonging, understanding…


So many people in relationship are not experiencing this. Some never have, some have lost it, don’t know how to reclaim it.

Many people on their own have come out of relationships and are talking about how it was one of the major reasons the relationship ended, and how they need to ‘do it differently’.

Many people on their own are looking for intimacy as an important intention to be with some.


And to digress for a moment, over the years many people who have come to see me have said they were not having enough sex and were sexually unfulfilled. As we’ve talked, what’s emerged is that there was not a sexual issue, there was an intimacy issue.


One of the understandings that I work with is that we have very little education for love, intimacy and pleasure.

What we do get is what we see. The models being our parents, family, the media. What we do get is based on so much that’s never spoken about, so much myth and misunderstanding.

What we do get is an amazing sense of expectation that we know how to do this and make it work, whatever that means.


What we don’t get are the how to’s, the practical tools to have a fulfilled relationship, whatever that is for us.

What we don’t get are the possibilities, the range of ways to be in relationship that will allow us that fulfillment.

What we don’t get is a framework, a philosophy of intimacy and pleasure.

What we don’t get is the importance of talking about these things before we enter into a relationship, beyond that, what is important to talk about, ask, discuss, share.

So much of what we do is ‘we’ll work it out, it will sort itself out, it will come right’.

And so often, it doesn’t.

So often it gets to a crisis.

And for many, so many of us, there is still a stigma about acknowledging these issues.

And so we sit, so many of us, in a deep, and deeply painful silence that’s filled with longing, with desire, with hope.

In this space we shut so much of ourselves down. We become less vital, less alive, less fun, less exciting, less expansive, less creative…


And at the moment many of the issues are exacerbated. Being in lockdown and the time we’re with each other is bringing these issues to the surface.

Being in lockdown and being alone is bringing ourselves to the surface.


At the beginning of this piece I said these conversations were sad.

They’re only really sad when we don’t do something with ourselves, for ourselves.

I don’t know that people should or shouldn’t stay together.

I don’t know that you should or shouldn’t be in a relationship.

What I do know is that it’s a choice, a choice how to be, and we don’t always see that, simply because we never have, in the pattern we live.

And we don’t always see the choices we have.

And, the big one, we can choose to do something.

We can learn, we can expand, we can change the patterns, and we can do something differently.

We can give ourselves amazing opportunities for fulfillment, whatever that may be.

And it’s only, only, through doing something that it will change.


In all that heaviness, and it is heavy stuff, painful stuff for many of us right now, there are also amazing possibilities.


A recent study done in the UK about sex during lockdown showed an increase in role-play and fantasy outfits. Let’s expand on that in Thursday Night’s Webinar. It’s free. How to have more fun, games you can play, with a partner, on your own, be more erotic. In the past week what FB allows seems to have changed so please contact me through my page for the link.


And then something I find really exciting.

A Sensual Massage Lesson. I’m doing this on Sat 1st August, 2 pm GMT +2.

Please contact me for details.


And know this, deeper intimacy, and all the beautiful gifts that come from it, is possible for us.

It’s not always in the way we think it should be, or from how we see things.

But to misquote, ‘With a jump to the left, and step to the ri-i-i-i-ight…’.