Loving Men




I had a moment recently of intense sadness that brought me to tears.

I lay with the feeling, allowing it move through me, and in time it brought me to a place of beautiful possibility.


The sadness was the realisation that I have in the past years received very little loving touch.

In that moment I felt a connection with so many men. Men I’ve worked with, men I’ve spoken with, men I know, men I know, men I know about. So many of us. Men whose pain I’ve witnessed, felt and heard. Men whose pain I’ve read about. All of us.

And instead of looking for something outside I turned it inwards.

And the possibilities began to emerge from the pain.


First came the questions.

Do we know, men, what loving touch is?

Can we allow it, can we surrender to it, can we open to it?

Can we allow ourselves to be touched with tenderness?

Are we willing to receive that?

Can we take it out of the realm of sexuality? Can we allow our bodies, our genitals to be acknowledged and caressed with a love that is just giving, a space where there is no expectation, no performance, not even erection?

Have we been so conditioned that this is where touch takes us?

That pleasure and sex have become the same thing, and in truth they’re not, that we don’t even know the difference?

That we’re so locked into the cycle of conditioned patterns that we don’t know how else to be, what else to do?

That beyond the sexual response we don’t what else there is?

What do we have to release to begin to feel something more than just sexual arousal?

How willing are we to redefine ourselves as sensual and sexual men?

How willing are we to allow ourselves to be held as strong, vulnerable men?

How willing are we to connect?

How willing are we to connect with our hearts, to live with our hearts?

How intimate are we willing to be?

How willing are we to receive love, to be loved?


And in a moment it struck me.

Our identification with pleasure has become so much about our genitals and sex that there’s a huge disconnect with so many other parts of ourselves. We experience low-level sensation. We focus all our energy on the closed loop of orgasm rather than the endless horizon of the possibilities of pleasure.


We change it by moving to our hearts.

We change it by feeling, by being willing to feel.

We change it by opening, everything.

We change it by letting go, of the masks, the armour, the expectations, the patterns, the conditioning, the beliefs.

We change it by allowing ourselves to be loved.

We change it by surrendering to the hearts and the hands that will hold us.


We change it by loving.