The past few weeks have been a time of an inner shift for me, a shift in perception, how I see things, life, healing, us, what we do, how we do.
It’s been an intense time, physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically.
And I’d usually add sexually to that, but it’s been a year since I’ve had a sexual encounter with another. That alone has taken me deep into myself, into so many parts of myself, with deep learning and understanding.
Today was an intense day, with many things coming together, coming to awareness.
Wednesday night is Biodanza, facilitated by my friend Christos Daskalakos, which has become such an important part of my inner journey. The past few days I’ve felt tired, my legs not strong, dancing tonight was not a good idea, but my body needed to move.
I put some music on and started doing Tandava, a practice taught to me by my friend Valentina Leo. It’s also become such an important part of my journey.
Moving slowly, connecting with the earth, with my body, with my breath.
The awareness arose so clearly of how so much of what we do, the way we look at it, is not what it is.
What we’re doing, we’re looking for love, we’re looking for intimacy, we’re looking for connection.
We’re looking for some to see us, to hear us, to touch us, to hold us, to acknowledge us.
And the way we do it mostly comes from the hurt we’ve experienced. The pain we’ve felt. The anger and the frustration and the disconnect and the rejection and the lack of understanding we’ve experienced.
So we don’t know how to do it, we do what we know. We do what’s inside of us.
And the part inside of us it comes from is the hurt part, the fragmented part, the disconnected part.
So many of these parts have been diagnosed as wrong and bad and judged and separated even more with labels.
There’s not so much wrong with us.
We haven’t learned how to be in our hearts, how to live from our hearts, how to ask for what we need from our hearts, how to open the space for another from our hearts.
We just connect from the hurt because it’s what we know.
And so often we don’t even realize the level of hurt.
When we do, we begin to heal.
And the only healing is learning about love.
Loving ourselves, loving another.
Loving our bodies, our breath, our eyes, our sex, everything.
It’s about energy.
When there is pain, and we want to analyze the pain, fix the pain, understand the pain, change the pain, it’s about the pain. And we just go deeper into the pain.
When we see that we can live differently, love differently, it becomes about possibility.
It’s not ignoring the pain. It’s feeling it, knowing it’s texture, it’s shape, it’s smell, it’s colour, it’s words. Bringing it into us, finding a place for it.
And it starts to change. It tells us it’s secrets.
We find a love in a place we never knew there was love.
We find more of ourselves.
We find beauty, we find tenderness, we find kindness, we find connection. We find awareness.
We find how to be in an imperfect world.
We find ourselves, in every moment.
We find ourselves in each other.
We find ourselves in our movement, in our touch, in our breath, in our words.
We find ourselves in another, in so many ways.
We find our hearts.
Over this year of being alone, I’ve found myself in different ways, new ways.
I’ve found an intimacy with myself, knowing that that is what I seek in another.
Knowing that that is what I seek in life.
I look at my work with new eyes.
I see how many tools, practices, techniques, ideas there are, with a shift in perspective, for love.
To make love.
That’s the healing, that’s the medicine.
I look forward to making love with you.