Make Your Lover Important


Make your lover important.

It’s a vital element of a conscious, expanding, nurturing relationship.

I’ve seen it so much in my practice recently, I’ve seen it in my own life.


Make your lover important.


The busyness of the lives we live give us less time for each other. Then I have to ask, is this true? We make time, just as we make time for all the things we do, we make time, for ourselves, for each other, for our relationship.

It’s not bottom of the list. It’s not 10 minutes late at night when we’re really tired, when we have a largely unsatisfactory quickie.

It’s easy to have sex. It doesn’t have to take long. It doesn’t have to be good, great, fulfilling.

And so often, when people say they’re not having enough sex, it’s not the sex they’re looking for. It’s the intimacy, the connection.

It’s looking into their lover’s eyes, it’s feeling their body next to theirs, it’s breathing their scent in, it’s their caring touch.

It’s creating a web, a fabric of being that’s a communication beyond words.

And yes, talking, listening, is an enormous part of feeling important.

Curiosity in your lover is one of the most beautiful elements that keep this open and growing. Interest in them, what they’re thinking, the ideas they have, how they’re seeing themselves, you, life, the world.


One of the most beautiful ways to create and grow this acknowledgement of each other is a practice. A sensual practice, a spiritual practice, a relationship practice of touch, of talk, of breath, of sexual energy, of pleasure, of connection and sharing.

It doesn’t happen by itself.

We make it happen.

We show the importance we give it, and the importance we give each other.

We learn. We bring new things to the space, new ideas, new possibilities.

We grow within ourselves. We heal ourselves, release our patterns to create something that’s expanding all the time.


The idea that we have less sex as we get older, busier, is absurd.

The idea that sex gets boring is ridiculous.

The idea that we don’t talk much anymore is just sad.

You’ve all seen couples out to dinner or lunch hardly talking to each other, hardly looking at each other, hardly touching.

We are worlds of possibility, worlds of ideas, worlds of touch, of energy, of excitement, of expansion.

And worlds of love.


In making you important, in making our space important we open to a life of expansion.

I know that many relationships have a time and a purpose, they’re not for a lifetime. And so many relationships could have be different in time when we’re important to each other, when we’re acknowledged, honoured and loved.


We nurture our jobs and careers. We nurture our bodies, our homes, so many aspects of life we time and energy into.

And sadly for so many of us, our relationships and pleasure are far down the list.


It goes to the kind of relationship you’d like.

I work with a midwife who does water birth, I teach a lesson on perineal massage and intimacy to the couples having a baby. For many of them is their first baby. One thing I say in the lesson is that at some stage these kids are going to leave, and hopefully you’re still together, the kind of relationship you have then is determined by what you do now.

You build this vessel of incredible possibility by making it important, by learning about, crafting it, engaging with it.


I find it fascinating that in a world where we’re taught so much, taught about continuously learning, this, our relationship, one of the most important aspects of life, we get very little, or no education at all.

We are inadequately prepared for the journey.

We’re expected to know how it works, to figure it out, that it’s going to happen all on its own.

It’s not.

I see this every day in my practice.


We can make it different.

We can create this incredible adventure of exploration, growth, intimacy, pleasure and love.

If it’s important to you.