Over the years of working in the field of Conscious Sexuality I’ve heard many people say that they want sex to be meaningful. I’ve always agreed with that without thinking about it. Of course you want to have meaningful, or more meaningful sex!
It came up a lot this week in healing sessions, and I stopped and asked what does that actually mean?
There was a lot of fumbling around in their minds, mine as well, and then, you know, more meaningful, not empty, not chasing the orgasm, not just for the sake of having sex…
For a moment let me play devil’s advocate.
Every time you have sex there’s meaning, there’s a reason. It may not be fulfilling, it may not be amazing, but you have a meaning for doing it.
Then let’s go into what meaningful sex may be.
Firstly, I think it’s about intimacy, love and connection. That’s what we’re looking for, and sex is an expression of those things.
So when you’re having sex and none of those are present, does that make it non-meaningful?
If that’s what you’re looking for, the expression of connection, then you need to be more conscious of the choices you make around sex. If there is no, or not deep enough emotional connection with the person, then it’s not going to be what you want, it can’t be fulfilling. You can have pleasure, you can have orgasms, you can feel physically close to someone, but not loved.
We have to go inside of ourselves.
We have to see that we will be as intimate, as connected, as loving and present as we’ll allow ourselves. That’s about us.
That may or may not be returned.
If we see it’s not, and that’s what we’re looking for, then it’s time to say no thank-you.
Because if we go there knowingly we end up feeling frustrated, lonely, disappointed, disconnected and angry. We put that out, onto the other person. And then, when we become aware of what we’re doing, we put it onto ourselves. And we judge ourselves, and we dislike ourselves, lots!
There was a time when I was having a lot of sex. And I stopped enjoying it. I realised I wanted intimacy and connection. I stopped having sex in that way, for a long time I didn’t have sex at all. I found deeper satisfaction in sensual touch, in massage, in so many things other than sex and orgasm.
What I’ve come to learn, and what Chanti has shown me, arousal is in my heart. That’s the turn-on. And from there, there’s meaning. In long, slow, deep High Sex, in touching, in kissing, in playing…
It comes from my heart.
We’ve created, and grow, that space.
It’s a conscious choice.
The meaning is within us.
As it’s within you.
Open your heart.
If it’s not what you want, say no.
Don’t allow yourself to have less.
Is it easy? Not always.
You want to be touched, you want pleasure.
If you choose to have sex for sex, for orgasm, for being with someone, that’s fine.
If not, be aware of your expectations. Look inside yourself.
And often, learning to say no opens the door to a lot more yes!