My Connected Male Body


My Connected Male Body

‘I am actually still caught-up in the performance of my penis. I have, from this weekend, been able to create a very clear distinction between goal and intention and I need a lot more work expanding the expansive world of intention rather than limited penis performance. One of the things I am still stuck in is getting caught-up with my penis performance and one of the reasons is me being driven to have it perform for my wife (“the audience). She as my lover and partner in life may also be stuck in the limited world of “penis performance” – she needs to be able to give and to receive and, I sense,  she is feeling that she is not, on the “evidence of the penis” not being able to do it for me. So maybe both of us are still stuck in the limiting world of just “the penis and vagina”.

‘So with all this in mind I have realised I need to establish and build a honest and relationship with my penis – I currently don’t have one other than a functional one that isn’t working to well at present. I also need to establish a relationship with my lover’s vagina.’

‘The 2nd thing that sticks with me from the weekend are your comments and thoughts regarding our relationship to our genitals and my penis. I can very much feel that I have a very practical, functional and non-emotional relationship with my genitals. For me it very often also has an aspect of worrying about my sexual health. I have noticed that for myself before, but after this weekend I will observe it more and try to develop an emotional and appreciative connection with my genitals.’

This is the sharing from some of the men after the last Sexual Energy Healing Retreat.

What they’ve shared is so common. For so many men it’s in the realm of the unspeakable. We now it. We won’t talk about, let alone do anything about it.

It creates pressure, enormous pressure.

It leads to disconnect, from ourselves, from our lovers and partners, from each other. It’s isolating.

So many men are deeply disconnected from their bodies, from emotion, from sensation, more so with our genitals.

The relationship we have, with our genitals is not conscious, at best it’s functional, and deeper than that it’s contractive, it’s fearful with comparison, with a level of performance, with a lack of information and knowledge. There’s no connection with our hearts, and what that energy represents. There’s confusion on what it means to be a sexual man today. There is armoring of the defence against vulnerability, openness and tenderness. There is armoring against gentleness, gentle touch, soft touch, slow touch. There is an obsession with size, with hardness, fastness.

For so many men, if you ask them to define their sexuality without their genitals, there’s nothing there, emptiness.

For most men there is one criterion for a successful sexual experience, orgasm and ejaculation.

When so many men are touched gently and slowly there is very little or no sensation.

So much of this is because of the relationship we have with our penis, cock, Lingam, whatever your word for your genitals is.

The extension of this, as one man said, is the relationship our partners have with our genitals

So much of the healing work I do with men in connection with their sexuality is about the heart, becoming aware of the connection between cock and heart, that this is one energy system.

As we begin to see this, that it’s about energy, we begin to see that energy needs to move to flow. If there’s no flow it become static, stagnant, and like where a river gets blocked the water becomes dirty and toxic.

When we see the energy of this we can see that for energy to move within us there needs to be an opening, a softening. And those words bring up such fear in so many men, soft is the last thing we want sexually. The paradox is that in the softening, energy flows. And when energy flows we have much greater sexual control, erections have more power. And we even learn that there are such incredible pleasure possibilities with a penis that is not hard.

We can withdraw from performance.

We can withdraw from pressure.

And we can feel.

It’s all about the heart. Opening our hearts, being in our hearts, feeling our hearts.

For some men, many men, the journey to the heart is difficult. It’s often triggered by crisis, a relationship ending, a health problem, loss of anything we consider to be part of the definition we have of ourselves as men. In crisis is opportunity. If we’re willing to go there, to go within ourselves, deep within ourselves and find freedom. Freedom from the past. Freedom from fear, from limitation, from inhibition. Freedom to find our sexual voice, the voice of our sexual heart.

This allows us to have a different relationship with our bodies, with our genitals and with our sexuality. A relationship that’s about how beautiful we can be a men, how beautiful our bodies are. A relationship that’s about how powerful we can be. A relationship that’s about our expansion, that goes beyond the sexual labels, judgments and limited expression of a society that keeps us trapped in a porn-based model of sexuality. A relationship that’s about the tenderness of men in the quiet of our masculinity.

Recently so many men have come to learn about sexual technique, ‘to be a king in the bedroom’, ‘to become a master of pleasure.’ For many of these men the beliefs behind their wanting to learn is ‘If I learn this the next woman won’t leave me, she’ll stay’, and ’when she knows how good I am she’ll want more,’ and so many similar ideas. Some of them are realizing the power is in their heart, in the connection between heart and sex. Some of them are realizing that the power is in intimacy, in connection, in energy.


I look back at my own sexual journey and I see, I feel the power of my heart. The fulfillment, the connection, the intimacy, the pleasure, the possibilities that my heart opens.

And from this, from me to you, I am every man, I am you, and I see what we can become, who we can become.

Lovers in every sense of the word.