My Tantric Quest
This is a beautiful and powerful sharing from a woman on a journey of healing and growth. It’s a beautiful reflection on what exploration can be and the possibilities it brings us.
‘Like many women I didn’t trust in men much. And I guess like many women I fell into patterns of always wanting to please. Oprah calls this the ‘disease to please’. Disease to please men especially is such an entrenched familial and societal conditioning. In my experience, sex revolved around them; their needs and desires. When they came the sex was over. Reflecting back I see how I was never really fulfilled in many of the sexual encounters I had. Of course there were lovers where the connection was powerful and intimate and our sexual union reflected that – but a lot of the time, especially the casual one night stands, or the emotionally stunted lovers, in those scenarios I was not myself and I did not know how to say no or ask for what I wanted, so the sexual encounter took on that flavour: disconnection, no orgasm, lots of fake orgasms, and a feeling of emptiness and sadness after.
- At the time I blamed the guys for the shitty sex but I also largely blamed myself. I didn’t know how to orgasm, I didn’t know how to have good sex, I was frigid, something must be wrong with me. I am not good enough, I am not desirable enough, I am not sexy enough. This was the story I was feeding myself.
- Through the tantra work I had done with Valentina Love, I knew that this was just a story I was telling myself and that it wasn’t true. But at the same time, I kept on repeating patterns, getting drunk and having random casual, unfulfilling sex and what was more tragic, I thought I was ‘empowered’ while doing this and being ‘free’. I knew in my heart something was out of kilter and I had to go into unexplored waters to shift these conditioned thoughts and patterns.
- I didn’t know what to expect from Jonti or the sessions. I wondered if I was going to be having mind-altering, earth-shattering orgasms (I secretly hoped that I was going to be cured and I would just be able to ‘come’ on cue). I also felt shame and embarrassment admitting that I needed this help and what would my family think if they knew I was doing this? What would my female friends say? If I had a partner, what would they think of me going to see another man about sex and potentially having some steamy sexy stuff going on with a stranger?
- In spite of the nagging, dragging voices I went and I committed to 7 sessions. The first session we just talked and I expressed my desires, wants and needs: to change deep in my core, to experience happiness and bliss, to find the right person to match the sexual freedom I was embarking on, to know myself and what turns me on and to avoid ‘bad’ men and rotten sexual encounters like the plague. I laugh at this now. I still want these things for myself and I think everyday I am making better decisions or at least having a better understanding of myself to not repeat some bad habits but I also see how these pursuits comes from a small ‘me’ – a ‘me’ that thinks she is a victim, a ‘me’ that thinks there is something wrong with her, a me that relies on another to fulfill her, a me that believes she is not whole already.
- At present I am in a state that is far more forgiving towards myself and asking of myself to just to relax and let go of the story, the picture I have in my head of how it should be, of how I should be.
- The first couple of sessions were slow and subtle. I did think to myself, oh no – you’ve made a mistake. This is not going anywhere. But slowly I was. Jonti taught me simple gestures of touching myself – getting to know my own skin and how wonderful it can feel to just touch myself in a soft, kind and loving way. It’s so simple yet so powerful to just sit with ourselves, give ourselves space, create a loving and warm environment within our homes to love ourselves in this way.
- Another exercise we did and one that I really struggled with was looking at my vagina in the mirror and then writing down what my vagina was saying to me. Roshan’s vagina monologue. At first I was repulsed. I didn’t think my yoni looked like a flower or a lotus blossom; I thought she looked like a shriveled up prune. I cried, I hissed … my yoni didn’t say anything. I put the mirror away. I went to bed miffed. But I kept at it and day-by-day something emerged. I saw my yoni unfolding in surprising ways and I saw a beauty that I can’t quite put into words. And then I heard her speak. Oh and she had a lot to say to me. I heard her vulnerability, her pain but also her viciousness and her strength. She is flowery and sweet but also fierce and terrifying. To be one or the other is to limit her and thereby me. I kept on writing, kept on writing all that was coming through. I wondered how many women actually look at their yonis. How many men look at their lingam. We store so much emotion, tension, pain, joy, shame, love in our genital areas. It is the source of creation, of our hormonal transitions and ageing transitions.
- With Jonti I’ve learnt so many small, subtle ways of being with myself and getting comfortable with my sexuality. There is a return to innocence and purity in this process. I wish it could be introduced to teenage children as it is so empowering to get to know our bodies in this way and also to know ourselves as innocent, pure sexual beings.
- Tantra has this mystique reputation for wild sex, hours of orgasms, polyamorous relationships and all this does is to take this ancient practice further away from the Truth. Tantra for me has been a journey of self-discovery and about being able to see my patterns and conditioning, to be able speak my authentic truth, to act from a space of authentic power and with integrity. This is not an easy or straightforward path yet simple if we actually just do it right and listen to our heart and body. I by no means have arrived anywhere or can claim to have any answers. It is muddy waters and full of unknowns and it has no end point. I question everything I believe in, ideas of sex, of partnerships and even of tantra.
- Where I am at now in my journey is not so much about finding a partner, it’s not about going to tantric workshops or group meetings. For me there is an even greater Truth in being a seeker in solitude. It may not be everyones but for me, it feels right. And it may not always be this way.
- I am discovering and learning more about myself without the distraction of a lover. If a lover appears (and they have) and I want to be with them (and I have), I find that I am able to more confidently articulate what I want or what I don’t want. I am not so afraid of saying no anymore for fear of rejection, for fear of displeasing the other, or to satisfy a neediness to be desired.
- Recently, I had several instances where I communicated with different men in my life (friends, ex-lovers, potential lovers) from a very different space, and you know what … the conversation was much better. Everyone appreciates honesty. Everyone appreciates being spoken to in ways where they are treated with respect and non-judgmentally. And so I realized how much I was throwing expectations onto others and feeding a story I had in my head of how it should be, how I should be. I shifted a big pattern the moment I realized that and acted from that knowing. I don’t feel like I am carrying a load, a burden, a wound festering inside and there is an ease in the air. The ease of knowing we are souls having a human experience and we are all here to learn and grow from each other.
- I am still single. I did not have any earth shattering sex with random people. More importantly, I experienced how I want to be touched, how my body responds when I give it space with no expectation to perform, to please, to learn to trust myself, to trust my partner (in this case Jonti) and also to allow him to please me and me to receive his offering. Receiving as a woman was a big thing for me. To lay there and not do anything but just be open to receiving. It is such a wonderful gift and one I would like to bring into my practice: to give and to receive without any expectation or agenda. That for me is where the heart opening lies.
- My 7 sessions are over. But I don’t feel it is the end … only more to discover.’