A woman came to see me a while ago, sharing something that’s actually quite common.
She couldn’t, had never, had an orgasm with a partner.
She’d been married, had had lovers, had tried hook-ups, never with a partner.
On her own, yes, easy.
With her hands, with toys, even, and especially under the bath tap.
Never with a partner.
So many women experience this.
It comes from deep inside, from long ago.
It comes from things like shame and guilt and embarrassment.
It comes from not being able to let go.
It comes from things like how will I look, what noises will I make, what will I do, and will I be judged for that.
It comes from not feeling safe, within herself, and with a lover.
The capacity for orgasm is there.
On her own, easy, often.
Even quickly.
With a partner, no, sometimes very rarely, sometimes never.
And the more we chase the orgasm, the more elusive it gets.
And often the more anxious we feel, the more frustrated we feel
There’s also a part of this that impacts on relationships.
There may be thoughts of what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with him, or her, aren’t we doing it right, touching in the right way.
Especially when it seems like it’s so close.
It touches egos and hearts, minds and bodies, particularly with our obsession with ‘making her come.’
We live in patterns, and as soon as the thought of a sexual experience is there, the body, and mind, consciously and subconsciously, flick the switch.
And the pattern runs, the thoughts, the tension, the anxiety.
And the desire, I so want this!
And the disappointment.
Sometimes it even keeps us away from having sex.
One of the biggest parts of changing this, unlearning the pattern, and allowing a new way to emerge in your body, is a mind-switch, a mind-flip for the Rocky Horror fans, from orgasm to pleasure.
We can’t make it happen, we’ve tried that for so long.
We can only allow it to happen.
Which means a different relationship, a conscious relationship with our sexuality, with our bodies, with our genitals, with our orgasm, with our hearts, with our beliefs.
This is the first part of the ‘healing’.
The inverted commas because nothing is broken, nothing needs to be fixed.
It’s a pattern that’s been in your body, that’s been there for a long time, that’s become your sexual default.
That’s where you go, that’s what happens, that’s what your body, your mind does.
We’re unlearning, then learning, then exploring, then discovering, then allowing.
It’s learning to move from orgasm-focused, goal-oriented experiences, to pleasure.
It’s going from chasing, to being somewhere else, to being present.
It’s learning to soften, to allow, rather than tighten and contract.
It’s learning to breathe, to relax, to feel.
It’s learning not to judge, not to compare, rather to be.
And in this, we become orgasmic.
It’s important to give ourselves time for this, not to rush it, which creates even more pressure.
It’s vital to keep our awareness on the idea of changing the pattern, rather than fixing a problem.
It emerges, it flows, it comes into being, when we give it time and space.
We come to a deep understanding of ourselves through a relationship of freedom, of acceptance.
It’s possible for all of us, because it’s within us.
I invite you…
