How would it be if you spoke openly about sex?
How would your relationships and pleasure experiences be different?
It’s amazing how many conversations about sex are not happening.
And how we come back to the same places again and again, because of this.
For so many of us, this is one of the hardest things to talk about, with openness.
What’s fascinating is that our world is more sexualised than ever. Access has never been easier, to information, to resources, to porn.
And yet we are as unhappy, as unfulfilled, as frustrated and sexually inauthentic as ever. Maybe even more so, because we know what’s out there, we know what’s possible.
There’s more talk about the quality of relationship we can have, the different ways people are having relationships, there’s more articles and talks about sexual energy and sexual anatomy and the pleasure possibilities, there are more workshops in Conscious Sexuality, Neo-Tantra, Taoist Sexuality and other related fields than ever.
And yet more we still find it so hard, sometimes impossible, to talk about it.
To talk about what we want, what excites us, what we’d like to see, read about and explore.
We still have deep fears of judgement, of being rejected, even left, when we express our authentic desire.
So what’s happening?
If we have more information on the G-Spot than ever, why are more women unable to find it than ever?
If we have more sexual access than ever, why are we as unsatisfied than ever?
Her are a few ideas.
Our conditioning and patterns run deep.
They carry the beliefs we have about sex. They’re generational, tribal, religious, cultural. We’re simply the product of these patterns until we look at them and begin to change them.
And what’s so interesting about sex is it’s the part of life spoken about the least, especially when we’re young. So much is implied rather than stated, so much is left unsaid. We make our own movies, create our own stories about sex and pleasure.
Then the education we get is not about pleasure. It’s fear based, how not to get pregnant, or someone else pregnant, how not to get STI’S.
It’s not about the heart, it’s not about the intense desire to explore and connect we have when were adolescents and teenagers.
And it’s scary for us to acknowledge our children, and I emphasise teens, as sexual beings.
So much of what we’re doing with sex education comes from our own fears, our own lack of sexual acceptance, awareness and authenticity.
It’s a well-documented fact, the more information you give people the greater responsibility they’ll exercise in making choices.
The result of this is that we’ve become so disconnected from ourselves as sexual beings, and we’re passing that down. It’s simply a pattern that we’re teaching, out of who we are.
It’s interesting to think that we’d like our children to live lives that are happy and fulfilled, to have satisfying, loving and connected relationships.
It’s a leap for us to acknowledge that we’d like them to have amazing pleasure. Because we can’t talk about it, can’t have it, we can’t free ourselves from the pattern, we simply perpetuate it.
The next thought, and this is really important, is that all the information, all the books, the TED Talks, YouTube videos, podcasts are external. We have to go within. We have to heal ourselves, look at our patterns, our beliefs, our limitations, our embarrassment, our shame, our guilt, our judgements. We have to heal those. We have toto free ourselves.
And learning to talk about pleasure, about what we want, what excited us, is part of it.
In my practice and at workshops I see something so often.
And it comes more from women than men, although not exclusively, when they talk about their genitals, when they talk about what they want, when they ask directly sexual questions, their voices change, become softer, sometimes even a whisper, they look away, look down.
We haven’t owned our sexuality and ourselves as sexual beings.
When we do, when we begin that journey of healing, growth and exploration, then we can have these conversations.
Then we can share.
Then we can begin to ask for what we want.
And then what will happen?
We’ll start to choose experiences and relationships from a different part of ourselves, a part that has more wisdom, that wants to create greater happiness, deeper intimacy, more fun, more excitement.
And more love.