Pleasure Choices



Have you ever had a sexual experience that was an absolute choice? Where everything, every aspect of the pleasure was a conscious choice?


The way that we live is in patterns.

They work or they don’t, they’re our comfort zone, and they’re what we know.

An easy way to understand this is that every time you brush your teeth you do it in the same way.

You eat in the same way, you wash in the same way.

Most of us put the same shoe on first every time.

We live with these patterns.

We do it in life, we do it at work, we do it in relationships, and we definitely do it in sex.

Many of our patterns don’t have a lot to do with fulfillment. We do them because we know them. There’s a safety in this, a comfort. We know what we do, and we do what we know.


For most of us, and most times, that’s what we do sexually.

We follow a pattern.

Some of it’s about expectations. Some of it’s all we know, some of it makes sex easy.

But it’s what we do.

And often have been doing for a long time.

The more we’re in the pattern the less conscious we are, the less we feel, and the less connected we are to ourselves, to each other, to feeling, to sensation and to love.


We can change this by choosing. Every aspect of a pleasure experience.

We can choose where we are, the place.

We can choose where we start, it doesn’t have to be a kiss, or a particular touch.

We can choose to do something, to explore it, to connect with it, to follow where it’s going in our bodies. And then we can choose to change it, do something else.

And we can choose this in every moment of a sexual experience.

It allows our curiosity out.

It allows us to stop for a moment, feel, let the energy move, let the sensation develop. It allows us to breathe.

This is so different to sex as most of us do it, know it.

It’s disruptive, to your mind, to your body, it really shakes things up, can even make it very uncomfortable.

It takes you out of that goal of orgasm, which, as wonderful as orgasms are, become such a limitation to going deeper into pleasure.

And it doesn’t mean you can’t have orgasms. It shows how much more there is.


It takes you to a place where communicating about wants, needs, feelings, acts, sensations becomes an incredible space of listening.

It allows you to give pleasure in a way many of us never have.

It allows us to discover ourselves, and our partners endlessly.

It becomes play, creativity, constantly changing, moving, expanding.


It takes us out of what we think sex and pleasure should be, what we should feel, how it should happen.

It takes out of the expectations of not only the patterns, but out of what we experience simply because we’ve always felt that, it’s always been this way.

It frees us to explore endlessly.


It’s not going to happen every time you have sex.

And it’s definitely going to take some time to get used to it.

You’re going to start somewhere different and soon going back into the pattern.

It requires presence and awareness.


I talk a lot about the transformational power of sensuality and sexuality, more so as I go deeper into that concept.

This is an amazing expression of that because of the learning it has for other aspects of our lives.

If you can do it sexually, you can do it elsewhere.


Try it with your lover.

Be patient. Remember it’s about more pleasure, greater intimacy, more fun.

Be specific in what you want, very specific. Tell your partner, slower, a little slower, even more. Stop. Do it again. Now this. Now go back to that…


It will open worlds of possibilities.

And I have to end this the way I end my radio show each week.

I wish you SO much pleasure!