Pleasuring a Woman Pt 2

Of course it’s not orgasm vs pleasure, that was really just to get your attention.
And maybe not, maybe there’s something in that.

Here’s the way that many of us look at sex.
That it’s about a goal, the goal.
It’s about achieving.
It’s about performing.
It’s about making something happen.
And it’s actually become an experience of judgement, weighted with pressure.
The pressure is that I have to make you come, and the pressure is that you have to come.
In a certain way, in a certain time.

The question with this is: How much pleasure is in the experience?
It takes us to the difference between orgasm and pleasure?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
To get it we actually have to go into our body, into our experience, into our sensation, into our feeling.
The way most of us have orgasms, the way most women experience orgasm, is through clitoral stimulation, in a contractive way.
As the sensation increases the tension increases.
Everything in our body gets tighter, breathing, gets quicker, the tension builds until we release it in an explosion.
Is it actually pleasure, or is it just intense sensation?
Of course there’s some pleasure in it.
Is it more about the release than pleasure?

One of the things this focus on ‘getting there’, wherever that is, getting to the point of orgasm, brings is that it’s not here.
So our attention isn’t here, it’s elsewhere.
And in this we take ourselves out of feeling, out of sensation, out of presence.
Which is where the pleasure is.
Here.
Stimulating your clitoris can be pleasurable, of course it can, it can be mind-blowing, it can be cosmic.
And the way we do this, the intention we have, can make such a huge difference between the goal of orgasm and pleasure.

There are a few things to think about here.
We live in patterns.
These patterns are in our bodies and in our minds.
If the intention is orgasm, we go into the pattern of making that happen.
The pattern we’ve created, in both body and mind, is harder, faster, harder, faster.
Get there! Triumph! Victory!
Succeed!
And sometimes harder, faster, creates a numbness, a lack of sensitivity that takes us out of feeling, more to the release, to the explosion.

If our attention and intention is just to get there, we’re not feeling.
There’s a saying that energy flows where attention goes.
When we bring our attention back to here and now, something changes.
It takes us into the sensation, into the feeling.
It allows us to have an experience that has richness, subtlety, intensity, everything that’s there.
The next thing it does, and this is really important.
It takes things like ‘success’, out of the story.
Because if it’s about success or not, which has to be failure, it can’t be about pleasure.

Pleasure doesn’t have that judgement.
It just is.
It may be gentle, it may be intense, it may be short-lived, it may be longer.
It may be so many things.
But it doesn’t have that , I, you, we, succeeded or failed.
We experienced, we felt, we connected, we shared.
We touched, we kissed, we licked, we sucked, whatever we did.
There was nothing wrong with you, with me, with us.
We didn’t ‘do it wrong’.

And when that happens, when there’s no more of that pressure, no more need to perform, no more need to achieve, we can relax into feeling.
We can give, receive, share, play.
Actually enjoy what’s happening.
And here’s something really interesting.
The more we do that, the more orgasms happen.
I work with many women for whom having orgasms is difficult.
One of the most important element of these healing journeys is that we get to have orgasms, more orgasms, different types of orgasms, by taking the focus away from orgasms, bringing our attention and awareness to pleasure.

Then what happens is instead of the orgasm just being about the explosion, we actually learn to be present in the orgasm, in the sensation, really feel what’s happening.
It’s a shift in awareness, a shift in being more present in the body.
More present in pleasure.

It’s important to say this.
Orgasms are important, on many levels, and we’ll talk more about that next time.
When we expand our awareness, we expand our pleasure, we open to deeper, wider experiences, and see how limitless the ocean of possibility is.

If you’d like to explore more, please message or email me, jonti@eroslife.co.za