Lately I’ve received a lot of questions from people want to explore different sexual things.
It’s interesting that the model for exploration is often porn. This makes sense as the model so many people have for sexuality is very porn-based.
When it comes to exploring different aspects of sexuality this is not always a good reference, understatement, understatement.
A good example is anal penetration. What you see in a movie is often a penis or a dildo, sometimes some lube, an anus, and it’s inside.
What you don’t see is the preparation for the scene, cleaning, relaxing, getting the body ready, breathing, communicating…
Unfortunately when many people see this, and so many other practices, they think that’s how to do it.
In the same way watching Tom Cruise jump off a Hong Kong skyscraper doesn’t quite prepare you to do it.
Some basic suggestions for sexual exploration.
Begin with an intention.
This is powerful and can become the container, the vessel for your exploration.
If the intention is to bring us closer together, if the intention is to create greater intimacy, if the intention is to have more fun, if the intention is to know you better, if the intention is…
What do we need to do to fulfill that intention, how do we need to be, what elements do we need to bring to make that happen?
How do we stay in that space?
We keep checking, are we doing that, are we doing and expressing what we need to and how we need to?
And we begin to create safety, openness, possibility.
Talk, talk, talk.
Listen, listen, listen.
What excites you, what you’re nervous about, what you think, what you feel.
This can take time.
If you rush it, if you push your partner, if you pressure your partner you take away the safety.
Slowly creates safety, understanding and trust.
Research, read, watch.
This contributes enormously to the safety of the experience.
Ask questions, find the answers, explore.
Talk about what you’re going to do.
Exactly, specifically, in detail.
What we’re going to try, and what we’re not, where we’re going to stop.
You don’t have to go from gently rubbing your partner’s anus to pull penetration in one session.
This creates safety.
Have everything you think you’ll need.
Even if it’s just a different position, do you need more cushions, extra lube…
During the experience.
There is a point at which you said you’d stop.
Don’t go beyond it.
Stay in the safety, stay in the trust.
Shattering that, can break something deep.
If you’d like to go further, not today, not now, if you’d like to build something, if you’d like to open greater possibilities.
Talk about what you both experienced, thought, felt.
When you get a no, at any time, honour that, respect that.
Is the no from a fear, from guilt, from embarrassment?
Is the no from a past experience?
Is the no from a trauma?
Would you like to move past it, what needs to happen for that, where can you find help?
Be aware of the pattern, and one of our deepest sexual patterns is that once we start something sexual it has to end in orgasm for at least one of us.
Think about the intention, think about the safety, think about the stop.
Think about honouring the space, yourself, your lover, each other.
And know that with patience, with openness, with trust, with the heart, there are no limits to Pleasure.