One of the deepest, one of the most abiding, one of the most powerful, and one of the most intimate things we can offer each other is our presence.
It’s what so much of the teachings of Conscious Sexuality are about, presence.
On one hand, so simple, be present.
On the other, maybe not.
We live in patterns, patterns of the mind, patterns of the body.
These patterns, and many of our patterns do serve us, are part of what keeps us from being present.
I’m putting this in the context of pleasure, the context of relationship, and it’s pretty much the same for life.
Firstly, the patterns keep us doing what we do, in the way that we do it.
We kiss in the same way, we touch in the same way, we make love in the same way, we fantasize in the same way.
Secondly, the patterns are very linked to expectation, the way we think a sexual experience, a relationship should be.
So often, we have the pattern rather than the experience, we have the expectation rather than the experience.
After a while we don’t really see each other, we see the pattern.
We don’t really feel each other, we feel the pattern.
The next thing that keeps us from presence is the stuff that happens, the hurts, the let-downs, the disappointments, the arguments, ego…
All the unresolved stuff between us.
There’s a beautiful idea of a pane of glass between us, and all these things, all the unsaids, the unheards, the unspoken, the unacknowledged, cloud this, until we can’t see each other anymore.
All that we’re seeing is the past.
Clearing this, learning to clear it, and doing it regularly, is one of the most important things we can learn.
There is so much about this, and we’re not going deeper into it now.
What we are going deeper into is how to be more present with ourselves, with each other, and what happens when we are.
The body is the key to this.
The body feels.
It doesn’t have the story the mind does.
It doesn’t have the justification, the defence, the explanation.
The body feels, and the body wants to feel, to feel everything, to connect.
The body, our sensuality, our senses, are an amazing and direct path to presence.
The body gives immediate feedback, our feelings, when we listen to them, tell us what’s happening inside of us, here and now.
The 1st practice I’m going to share with you is The Heart Breath.
Become aware of your Heart Centre in the middle of your chest, maybe put a hand there to feel that part of you.
Take a breath in and as you inhale, have the awareness that you’re breathing into that place in your body, into the middle of your chest.
Breathe out from that place, slowly and gently.
5 minutes of Heart Breathing will help you be more present.
The next practice is Eye Gazing, which is so powerful.
Sit opposite your partner, look into each other’s eyes.
Stay there, breathe, slow deep breaths.
You’ll begin, it may take a while, to see each other, really see each other.
You’ll see when your partner is present, and you’ll feel when you’re present.
Doing this regularly, you’ll begin to become more present, you’ll see each other, you’ll be seen.
A while ago I wrote a piece on the power of connection.
Taking the time to connect is taking the time to be present.
I’ve come to see how much can be so different in relationships when lovers take the time, every day, to connect.
As a digression, an important one in this context, that alone, connecting, can improve the quality of sex enormously.
What happens when we connect is it becomes easier to be present.
It also becomes easier to be less in the past, less in the pattern.
I see you more, and I feel you more.
I see you, as you are now, and feel what’s here.
I teach the idea of possibility to my students and clients a lot.
As important as clearing the past is, it’s more important not to get stuck there, not to live there.
In any moment between us there are so many possibilities.
Being present allows us to see more and more of them.
And to say that in this moment I choose to be connected, to feel, to express.
And maybe I can do that with love, with awareness.
In this moment I offer you my presence, and I desire yours.
Not your pattern or expectation.
You, and I, here.
This takes time, it takes commitment, a dedication to ourselves, to each other.
It takes awareness.
And of course, our relationships, our sexuality, are complex.
Being present can change so much.
I said in the beginning of this piece it’s abiding, it’s lasting.
It’s one of the most important elements in an enduring relationship.
Presence is intimate, intimacy is presence.
This is what holds us, this is the space for us to grow, to expand, to heal, to learn.
This is the space for us to love, deeper than we thought possible.
Next time I’m going to share with you how touch is a path to presence.
Subscribe to my newsletter for updates on events and workshops: https://mailchi.mp/eroslife/eroslife-newsletter, and I invite you to join me for an Online Masterclass on Pleasure on Wed 24th, we’ll talk about presence in pleasure.
