A while ago I was giving a talk at an event and a woman there said, ‘I could never have that kind of discussion with my partner.’
And this was a comment on a piece I shared a while ago, ‘And sadly enough it’s so many of us are struggling to open up to people we love
the most.’
These are not isolated comments, and one of the most common issues that come up in the work of sexual healing, sexual learning.
They’re conversations about what we like and what we don’t like. They’re conversations about what we’d like to explore, what interests us, what excites us, what arouses us, what draws us, what turns us on.
They’re conversations about our shadow and our dark.
They’re conversations about our bodies, hearts, minds.
They’re conversations about desire.
They’re conversations about authenticity.
They’re conversations about deep fulfilment, and deep hurt.
They’re conversations about rejection and abandonment.
They’re conversations about nervousness, anxiety and fear.
They’re conversations about guilt and shame.
They’re conversations about freedom and possibility.
They’re conversations about intimacy.
They’re conversations about excitement, exploration, discovery, creativity, expression and experience.
They’re conversations of deep importance.
They’re conversations of life.
We have no culture of these conversations.
I was watching a movie a while ago. A couple met, went on a date, had sex. There was no discussion about what anyone wanted, liked, didn’t, boundaries. It just happened.
And BTW, every person, particularly men, in movies, are good lovers. And everyone’s satisfied. Unless it’s a relationship drama movie with an extremely small percentage of ‘complaint’ about sexual satisfaction.
And BTW No 2, the same thing happens in porn.
This is important because these are 2 main sources of education for sex and relationship, crazy as that is.
We have to, have to, there’s no other way to say it, learn to have these discussions, as difficult as they are. And they are difficult, challenging, even terrifying.
They bring up some of our deepest fears, take us to some of the most vulnerable places within us. And challenge us to the core of our masculinity and femininity.
There isn’t an easy way to begin.
And as many formulas and recipes there are from so many teachers, facilitators, healers, therapists, it’s ultimately more of an intuitive and developing discussion.
In fact it’s a life-long discussion, because our sexuality, when its expressed naturally and openly, is vibrant, growing, changing, dancing into an ever-expanding space.
These are incredibly vulnerable discussions and they take enormous courage to have.
We reveal ourselves, lay ourselves bare, and in honesty, we hope and pray that we’ll be heard with respect.
Sometimes we won’t.
And that’s incredibly painful, with no simple, easy, sound-bite solution.
It makes forums like this important.
It makes the workshops we offer important.
It makes the healing journeys important.
It makes education important.
It makes openness important.
It makes men’s work, women’s work, couple’s work important.
There needs to be willingness, there needs to be the desire for something more, something different.
There needs to be the courage to take a step, one step…
I invite you…
