I love exploring ideas, philosophies, of pleasure, energy, love, sex, sensuality, eroticism, spirituality, and life in general.
I love how so many of them connect, reflect each other, add to each other, entwine and expand.
I love how nothing happens in a vacuum, nothing happens on its own, in the body, in the mind. Everything is in relationship to everything else.
I love the reading, watching, listening, learning, the conversations, the contemplations.
This is important for me, as myself, and me as a facilitator and teacher.
I’d started writing a piece that I wasn’t sure where it was going. Which is often wonderful to see what emerges, where it could take me. That wasn’t happening today.
So I paused, looked at what I’d written and just let my mind wander over it.
Here’s some of what emerged.
I teach a lot of workshops.
In the beginning, which is a really important place to start, there’s a song in that, he said, tongue in cheek…
In the beginning there’s a lot of technique, anatomy, how to.
This gives a foundation for so much.
Knowing how the body works puts the techniques and practices in context, and that’s really important. Technique on its own is robotic, mechanistic, deconstructed.
And when it comes to aex and pleasure, incredibly limited.
The next thread in this story is that learning to communicate about aex and pleasure is one of the most important elements of being a good lover.
And how linked these are, techniques and practices and communication.
Communication about aex is a skill and an art.
The skill part is that it’s something many of us don’t learn, the art is internalising it, developing it, practicing it, so that it can be expressed in ways that deeply expand our fulfillment and intimacy.
Let’s take The G-Spot as an example.
Learning about what it is, where it is, how to find it, how to awaken it, how to touch it.
That’s the 1st step.
Then, here’s what’s important.
What works for your lover, what feels good today, may not be the same tomorrow.
And for another woman that’s going to be different. And another…
The technique on its own, if we think it’s the same for everyone, all the time, we’re thinking robotically.
How do we know?
Communication.
Which happens on many levels.
Words, the body, watching, listening, feeling, sensing.
Asking, guiding, learning.
And a big part of the art of communicating in this way is that we have to put parts of ourselves away.
We have to put the ‘I know what I’m doing’ away.
We have to put the control away.
We have to put the ‘Don’t tell me what to do’ away.
Then it gets really interesting.
Because this takes us to who we are as lovers, what we’re doing, what’s the intention we’re bringing, what and how are we expressing ourselves.
Which is deeply linked to the pleasure possibilities, the intimacy, the love, the energy.
If the practices are all about a goal, about achievement, about getting somewhere, making something happen. About the performance, the outcome.
Are we making love, giving, receiving, sharing pleasure, or are we just here for the end, the success. And the judgement of the experience.
Let’s take that back to the G-Spot.
Is it about pleasure, which can be experienced in different ways, or is it about an orgasm, ejaculating?
And if the goal is not coming, pun intended, the way we think it should, in the time we think it should, is it about the technique?
A lot of men learn ‘How to make a woman squirt’.
Is part of that learning ‘Why might this not be happening?’
Is part of that learning connection, emotion, energy, communication, breath?
Is part of that learning what might need to be released in the body and mind first?
Is part of that learning ‘What’s happening in your body, what are you feeling, what do you need?’
A big part of being a good lover is a fundamental difference between orgasm-oriented aex and pleasure experiences.
And it’s not that that they can’t both be present, of course they can, beautifully, deliciously.
They might not be every time.
And if we take the performance away, of having to ‘get there’, wherever that may be, we take the pressure away. That’s important, we take the pressure away.
And then we open the space for something else, a lot else, limitless else, to be there.
Let’s go back to the G-Spot.
As well as being able to have G-Spot orgasms, and this being a path to deeper experiences, such as ejaculating, and A-Spot, P-Spot, Cervical orgasms.
This amazing area on your body is a source of deep pleasure and sensation, energy, emotional release and opening, intimacy, even spiritual experiences.
We’ll only get to some of these if we put a whole lot of things together.
What, where, how, why.
Who. Who am I, with you, in this moment.
Intention, connecting, inviting, allowing, offering, receiving, sharing.
Communicating.
Feeling, sensing, expanding.
This is a big piece that we’re going to talk more about.
Let’s use the G-Spot as an example.
You’re not just rubbing her G-Spot.
That’s connected to her heart, to her nervous system, to the rest of her Yoni, to her throat, to her breath, to her pelvic floor, to her brain, to her mind.
As every part of the body, as everything we do asexually is for all of us.
There’s a web, a loom, of pleasure, that offers us experiences, journeys, feelings, sensations, intimacies, possibilities.
That are, I see after more than 30 yrs of doing this, limitless in every dimension.
Such beauty, such power.
Come and spend some time with me, explore, feel, learn, I invite you…
