The First Step

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I get a lot of calls, message, emails, from people with sexual issues.

A lot happens before people make these contacts. A lot of internal twisting and turning.

It’s a difficult thing to do. It’s incredibly vulnerable, exposing and revealing.

I acknowledge you, every man, every woman, every couple, who does this. As open as we think we are, acknowledging a sexual or relationship problem is a hard thing to do.

I’ve been working in the field of Conscious Sexuality for over 20 years, and I’ve learned a few things from these situations.

A lot of people leave these issues for so long that they become deeply set patterns. It’s hard for us to admit to them. We get embarrassed, we feel a sense of shame, we feel isolated. We think it’s supposed to work, that we know what to do when it comes to sex, that our lover’s know what to do, and often we don’t. We don’t always know what we want, and what we like. And a big one is that we don’t know how to talk about it, and often we don’t have anyone to talk to about it, without judgment.

There is so much sexual pressure on us, to have orgasms, to try different things, to be kinky, to perform in so many ways. And when we have an issue we disconnect, withdraw, find excuses not to have sex, put up with for our partner’s, to keep the peace, to keep the relationship.

And we often wait till we can’t anymore. There’s an explosion, the dam bursts, the pain, physical, mental, emotional, becomes too great. It seems insurmountable. What may have started out as something seemingly small has become bigger than Mt Everest. We have no idea how to solve this, how to make it different, where do we even start?

I’ve seen, see daily, how difficult it is.

A while ago a couple came to see me, they were both 28. What was amazing was they realised that there were issues, and they did something about it. This is quite rare, because when we’re young we think these issues will resolve themselves, go away or change. They often don’t. I’m not sure if it’s human nature that we wait for things to get bad, for a crisis before we do something.

When there’s a whisper, learning to listen to it is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves, before it becomes a roar. I know, and see all the time, relationships end because one partner doesn’t want to, won’t, can’t at that moment, do something to change it. I hear the stories of how unhappy, unfulfilled so many people, men and women, can be.

Don’t wait.

It can be different.

I know it’s easy to say that, easy to write it. I know that there are aspects of life that are as hard for me, as uncomfortable to talk about, seek help with.

I have a way of working, when we consider a one-on-one journey that can help this.

Before we do anything else we talk. You tell me where you are, what you’d like to do. I explain the framework I put everything in, and then recommend something to you. Then we find a way to make it happen.

Here are some things to consider…

It’s a feeling thing, not a thinking thing. I, any facilitator, teacher, practitioner, even you, can give you all the logical, reasonable discussions as to why you should do something. That’s a thinking path. And the objections, fears, reasons not to, are in the mind. Feel it rather than think it.

Become aware of how you’d like to feel, how you could feel, how you’d live, what you’d do if the issue were different.

Then be aware of this, you don’t have to know how to change it. There are people who do, who can help with that. I don’t know much about cars, and I have a car that’s getting old, that needs work, that I’m quite sentimental about. I found a great guy called Wayne, who knows about cars. Wayne does wonderful things for my car. In the same way that all I have to do is get the car to Wayne, all you have to do, in the beginning anyway, is be willing to take the first step. The rest will follow.

And know that you have a choice.

In the same way that you choose what to have for breakfast, what to have for lunch, which movie to watch, what to wear, beyond the tracksuit or pyjamas of the past month, you have a choice.

We’ve put sex in this place that’s outside of everything else we talk about. We talk about, and acknowledge, issues, problems, difficulties in so many areas of life. We talk about financial stuff, spiritual stuff, work stuff, weight stuff, not about sex. We’ve been conditioned that this is different. It’s not, and we can find the right person to talk about it with.

You, we, all can have more pleasure, more intimacy, more love.

It sometimes just requires us to take that first step.