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I had a beautiful experience last week, I taught a sensual massage lesson to a couple in their seventies who have been married for 52 years.
It’s not the first time people this age have come to a workshop or retreat, and it is beautiful every time it happens.
I remember a few years ago a couple of a similar age coming to a week of workshops that culminated in a day’s sensual massage lesson.
A few weeks after that they phoned me to tell me that they’d been away with some friends, who they’ve known for a long time, ‘and we all had sex together.’
They’d never done it before, they were never going to do it again.
What they did allow themselves was a level of freedom, a choice of an experience that they’d wondered about for so long, and a moment of going to a place that they never thought they would.
For both these couples what came from their learning was a depth of communication that opened doors of possibility.
For the first time they were able to tell each other what they liked and what they didn’t. How they liked to be touched, what felt good, giving and receiving.
Here’s the thing.
Their age doesn’t matter.
The fact that they chose to have this experience at their age is beautiful.
It shows what’s possible in a relationship.
It shows that we are sexual and sensual beings our entire adult lives.
It shows that can only get better, if we choose it.
It shows that intimacy can grow and expand continuously.
It shows that adventure and play and fun and exploration never has to stop.
It shows that we never have to become dry and distant from the juicy sensuality of pleasure.
It shows that we can choose an openness of life, of perception, that allows us to keep learning, healing and growing.
And it shows an amazing lesson for all of us.
Our sexuality happens in the context of our lives, it’s not something separate, which is the way so many of us see it.
It’s in a box that we take out in very specific circumstances and contexts and use, then put it away again.
The same goes for our genitals, which are very often disconnected from our bodies.
Many of us are old when we’re young.
Simply because of the perspectives, the limitations, the inhibitions, the beliefs we hold.
Simply because of what we say no to rather than yes.
Simply because we don’t make a conscious choice for life.
When you hear a 71 year old woman talk about how sensitive her nipples are and she likes them to be touched gently and the next day you hear a 30 year old woman talking about how little sexual communication she has with her husband, you see the possibility.
There’s something I said a while ago, which was about the fact that with access to more information than ever, so many of our sexual issues haven’t actually changed. As many women, maybe even more due to stress, pressure, lack of communication etc, as ever, are not having orgasms, are experiencing painful sex, have a loss of desire.
As many men, more than ever, are struggling with erection issues, early ejaculation, loss of desire etc.
What makes it different is us.
And the choices we make.
Pleasure is a choice, a conscious choice.
And the more we choose pleasure, not only erotic and sensual pleasure, the more we choose pleasure of life.
It’s about energy.
And living with pleasure is living in the energy of possibility.
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