Yesterday we finished The Sex Expo in Cape Town, this week I’m sharing a series of workshops, and in a few weeks I’m in Ireland to share with you, workshops and sessions.
A while ago I received a letter from a man I shared some of this journey with.
I share it with you because so many of us have had similar situations in our lives, and so much of this has been painful, deeply painful. Sometimes to the point of relationships, marriages ending, families being broken up, and the cycle of this repeating through generations.
A lot of my work is about patterns, and many of the patterns we carry are generational. Especially when it comes to love and sex. These are deep in our subconscious. It’s also often the part of life we talk about the least. And the part of our parent’s lives that we know the least about.
Changing our patterns frees us to be able to live differently. To create lives of greater fulfillment, intimacy and pleasure. And it helps to free our children, so they no longer carry what we do, so they can live with greater possibility.
‘This is a letter to thank you for what you have done for me and my wife. I write it in order to share my story and hopefully it will encourage others in a similar position to find their way through their hardships.
My wife and I got married and ever since have really struggled with our sex life. Our very conservative Christian background did not prepare us or equip us sufficiently to be comfortable with our sexuality and as a result a lot of dysfunction grew. As much as we told ourselves that there is more to marriage than sex (which is true), we were underplaying the role that physical intimacy plays in a marriage. As a result, for years we had a very dry, halting, difficult sex life. This manifested in a number of unpleasant ways. Not least of which was a deep sense of guilt and insecurity in my wife. She felt guilty that she could not fulfil her ‘duties as a wife’ and that ‘I would find satisfaction elsewhere.
We pursued all the traditional avenues to overcome these issues including counsellors, psychologists and other suitably qualified professionals but no one really understood what was wrong and as a result they could not help us.
After 7 years we decided to try something a bit different and attended one of your workshops. It was only then that we started to understand the nature of our sexuality. A process began that enabled / allowed us to understand our desires, our own pleasure and the space between us that creates intimacy. Through careful process and much discovery, our sex life blossomed. Our relationship grew stronger and we grew closer as we discovered more about ourselves and each other. The significance of this cannot be overstated. The problems that we had come to believe that were insurmountable; we no longer even consider issues. Not that we had resolved them per se but rather that they have been rendered moot by a more holistic understanding of our sexual identities.
Recently over a glass of wine, my wife and I agreed that you have been the person who has had the single most positive impact on our marriage. Perhaps we would still be together had we not met you but I do believe that the longevity of our relationship would have been seriously in question.’
It’s not often that I’d share such a lengthy piece, but so many of us, whether we’re in a relationship or not, have similar issues and experiences.
It’s important to know that there are possibilities.
Beyond this is the learning, the exploring, the pleasure, the connection with others on similar journeys.
I look forward to sharing with you in the weeks to come, here in Cape Town, and in Ireland.
