This is the secret, then we’ll talk about what makes it a secret.
So many women flinch inside when the subject of sex tonight, later, in an hr, when we get into bed, is brought up.
What makes it a secret?
So many women know about this.
So few men do.
We love that word, Secret, not necessarily in this context, but we love it.
We also love ‘ancient’, and ‘sacred’. And so much that uses those words has nothing to do with any of them. So much that’s given to us in the worlds of sexuality and spirituality are preceded by secret, ancient and sacred.
Understanding this secret can change a lot of things for many of us, both men and women.
Here’s some of what the flinch is about.
It’s an inner thing. It’s not noticeable because it’s become well hidden. You’d never know it’s happening.
It’s about performance, what might I have to do, have an orgasm, do certain things, will I be enough.
It’s about the kind of sex, is it what I want, is it about my body being used, is it tender, loving, intimate, connecting.
Is it about roll-on roll-off.
Is it about an expectation, which is often not mine.
Is it about that my body is nowhere near being aroused.
Is it about that I’m tired, there’s no, very little, foreplay.
Is it about that I’m bored with the sex we’re having.
Is it about that it’s another chore.
Is it about that my heart is not in it, my heart is not part of it, my heart is not considered.
And more…
Here’s some of what happens. And this is big stuff that has deep impact over time.
I say yes because it’s easier than saying no.
I say yes, I will have some pleasure, even an orgasm, and there’s a level of fulfillment lacking.
I’ll say no, and know there’s going to be a fight, withdrawal, sulking, porn, disconnect.
I’ll say no, and know that the more I say no the harder it is to say yes.
I’ll say no, and slowly shut sex, sensuality, intimacy, down, within myself, between us.
And more…
Here’s the next layer of the secret.
A lot more women would like a lot more pleasure.
It’s the way it’s offered, and the kind of pleasure or sex it is.
The way is vital.
And this is what’s missing so much in our education, or rather lack of education.
What it is that a woman needs to be aroused.
So many of us learn about sex from porn and movies.
Porn, we know what it shows us, and if we believe that’s how we arouse someone, shame on us.
The movies, a few drinks, a meal, passion explodes when you push her up against the wall. Shame on us if we believe that.
Time and attention.
Arousal in a woman’s body, in a woman’s heart, in a woman’s mind,and they’re all connected, is complex.
It takes time.
And it takes attention.
Especially as we get busier in life, jobs, families, age, so many factors.
Arousal needs to start way, way before…
Get an erection, get wet, you’re ready. If you believe that…
Arousal is about her body, her heart, her mind. If that’s not all there, the level of fulfillment in an experience will probably be lacking. And because most of us have sex in the same patterned, conditioned way, she gets bored way before you do.
Then it’s the kind of sex.
We all love orgasms, they’re fantastic, they do so much, give us so much. They’re important.
And…There’s so much more.
When we get this, when this really lands, so much changes.
If all it is is about an orgasm, that’s a big part of the flinch.
It might take her time, and we’re going to digress for a moment. One of the biggest blockages to pleasure is the idea of time, the expectation of how long it should take. Which creates pressure. So she’ll fake it, move away from it, say no, just want to get it over.
And when we understand exactly what’s involved in her arousal and orgasm, so much changes.
When we shift from orgasm to pleasure, a lot changes.
When we shift from orgasm to connection, a lot changes.
When we shift from pattern to excitement, a lot changes.
When we shift from expectation to communication, a lot changes.
When we shift from I think I know what I’m doing, I’m supposed to know what I’m doing, to asking, a lot changes.
When we shift from ‘Are we going to have sex’, to ‘I’d like to connect with, I’d like to share pleasure with you, what would you like to do, how would it be if…, a lot changes.
And when all this starts way before, a lot changes.
Esther Perel says it beautifully. The next sex starts just after the last experience.
I talk about the Sexual Fire, keeping it alive, even low, very low, not letting it go out, smouldering, and we add a few twigs, we blow on it, flames.
We keep talking, we keep communicating, messaging, touching. We keep the awareness alive, open.
It’s an invitation that takes us from the flinch to a yes, a deep yes.
It’s knowing that the body, the heart, the mind, are all involved.
It’s releasing expectations to what’s present, what’s alive, what’s in our desire now.
I’m going to say this, it’s growing up sexually, from a little squirt in the dark to a world of pleasure that requires learning, communication, openness, discovery, willingness.
It’s an invitation that says when we understand a little more of the possibility of sex and pleasure, when we’re willing, and this is vital, to practice, to refine, to keep open, so much changes.
Worlds of intimacy and pleasure, connection and excitement, love and passion, fun and celebration, depth and the joy of our bodies.
Come and explore a little, come and learn a little, come and understand a little.
Then the secrets, the real secrets of pleasure beyond what we can imagine will start to be revealed.
I invite you…
