I love teaching about, talking about, writing about, all the different aspects of sexuality, sensuality, pleasure and eroticism.
There is so much.
And in this sharing there is so much to learn.
We learn about ourselves, we learn about our partners.
We learn about our bodies, our hearts, our energy, our minds.
We learn about our patterns.
And we learn about possibility.
We learn why we experience certain things, in our bodies, in our relationships and in our pleasure experiences.
We also learn how to explore, how to expand.
And for many of us this learning is a lot about technique, formulas, recipes, step 1, 2, 3.
Mastery of squirting.
Of multiple orgasms.
Of lasting for ever.
And we think that the more we know, the better we’ll be.
Which is, in many ways, the catch-phrase of much of this teaching.
Be a better lover.
Much of this ‘better lover’ is about performance, achievement.
It’s about measuring, comparing.
It’s about setting down criteria, conditions, expectations, for an experience.
It creates tension, contraction, stress.
And measuring the experience by what we achieved, how well we performed, what ‘made you…, was this the best ever…, did you…’.
Some things about being a better lover, who are you being better for, how better is enough?
When can we be fulfilled, when can we take a breath of being at peace with where we are, when can we soften into the moment?
There are a few things that change this, that give us a different perspective on our pleasure experiences.
Two of the most important, and they’re connected, are presence and connection.
These alone open so many doors for us.
Taking the time to connect with a lover, and with ourselves, BTW, immediately creates a different space.
The connection brings us into presence.
Into our bodies, into our hearts.
Into feeling.
Into the awareness of our lover, not as a goal, not as a space to perform, rather a space to be.
To be seen, to be felt, to be heard, to be acknowledged.
To feel intimate.
And ultimately, to feel the oneness, the union.
The tenderness, the opening, even the fire, that only really comes with connection.
It’s the dimension, sometimes subtle, sometimes strong, that we often miss.
In presence, in pleasure, something happens.
The wisdom within us, the creativity, the intuition, the way we’re able to move in an experience that’s in the moment.
It’s a dance where the music may change, and when we’re in the, let’s call it, performance space, we can’t hear that.
In presence, in connection, there’s a flow of energy, of bodies and hearts that takes us, as if we’re riding a wave.
Something landed for me last week about this, a big piece of this.
Presence, deep presence, takes us out of the pattern.
Most of what we do, most of how we live, is a pattern.
And sometimes sexually more so because it’s the part of life we don’t always talk about, in detail, what we like, what we want, what we don’t.
So much just happens, so much expectation, so much pressure, so little communication, and sometimes, so little honesty.
We tend to have sex in the same way, do the same things, tick the boxes, get to the same place, have the same ending.
Presence takes us out of the pattern.
Presence isn’t controlling anything, it’s surrendering to what is, to where we are.
So much of this is what happens before sex.
So much of this is about what’s within us, what we are bringing to the moment.
So much of this is seeing that sex, pleasure, sensuality, are not in a vacuum, not something we switch on, switch off.
It’s an expression of who we are, an expression of the eroticism of life.
This is our own inner journey, to being a better lover in a totally different way.
Now let’s go back to the techniques, the practices.
So many of them are fantastic.
There are amazing experiences to be had.
And the more we know, the more we understand, the more we can share.
And we can give, and receive, amazing experiences.
Let’s bring these together.
For the dimension that gives these experiences depth, richness, closure, flavour, subtlety, nuance, is presence.
That’s the sensitivity, that’s the juice.
And when you’ve felt that, you’ll know.
And that’s what you’ll desire.
All else seems a little empty after that.
Your body knows, your heart knows.
More and more, this is what we’re sharing.
This gives all the other stuff a context, a space.
Presence and connection are like the ether that surrounds everything else, holds everything else.
It’s the space for us to flow, to dance.
Slowly gently, softly, with fire and passion, to be what’s there in the moment.
In pleasure, in intimacy, in love.
In possibility.
