The Silent Suffering


For so many people sex is the place of silent suffering.

For so many men there is still such a stigma, such embarrassment, such shame about having a sexual problem.

For most men this is around erection problems, early ejaculation, loss of desire and libido, a lack of intimacy and even a lack of interest in sex.

Sexual performance, sexual prowess.

That’s what it’s become to be about for men.

And in truth what it’s come to be about is sexual pressure, emotional pressure.

And with this comes such deep silent suffering.

The healing that so many men look for, if and it’s a big if, they seek it out, is a quick conversation where the issues are glossed over, joked about, referred to, alluded to, and then a tablet that’s going to fix it, quickly.

And so I get that’s not enough, nowhere near enough. And so often nothing changes. And so often that’s where we leave it.

We, men, and male sexuality, is complex. It’s physical, it’s mental, it’s emotional, it’s energy. It’s the body, the mind, the heart. It’s all of who we are.

It’s our patterning and conditioning and beliefs.

It’s expectations, often unrealistic, unexpressed, uncommunicated.

It’s the judgement and comparison of a porn-model of sex that has absolutely, absolutely, absolutely no connection to reality, to intimacy.

It’s the area of life we generally know the least about, our own sexuality and bodies, never mind our partner’s. And this applies regardless of our orientations. We know just as little about cocks as we do about clits.

And because of this bizarre expectation we’ve created that we are all supposed to be sexual superheroes, we suffer in silence, and often, in shame, in isolation and loneliness.

I recently had a conversation with a woman, it’s not the first like this I’ve had, who has had no sex with her husband for over 12 years. And there is no discussion. He just won’t talk about it. There are so many marriages like that.

There are so many relationships where sex is avoided because of things like the fact that he can’t keep an erection, orgasms so quickly, has no interest in sex, doesn’t want to be intimate or sensual, has no sensitivity and more…

And in the silence we don’t talk about it.

We don’t know how.

And the pressure of performance has put us in this place that we have no idea how to be with this, heal it, change it, and make it different.

It doesn’t have to be like this, it doesn’t have to be this way.

The bigger picture of this is the big boys don’t cry scenario. The incredibly limiting idea we’ve been given, and have furthered, that we know how to do everything. And when we don’t we don’t talk about it. We sit in silence.

I sat with a man a while ago who’s marriage of 20 years was ending. He was in tears as he realised that he had no idea of how to be a husband. Hi did what he knew, what he thought he knew.

The bigger picture is that our sexuality is so connected to every other aspect of our beings and our lives.

I love the point of realization that almost every person who does a healing journey with me gets to, and they see that it’s all about sex, and it has nothing to do with sex.

It takes courage for a man to begin this journey, to acknowledge a sexual problem.

I celebrate every man who comes to do this work, who comes to heal, to learn, to grow.

And for every one of us who does, it makes it possible for every other man.