The Touch Connection




Many couples come to see me in my practice complaining that they’re not having enough sex.

We talk, they tell their story, and more times than not what emerges is that it’s not sex that they’re looking for, it’s touch, sensuality, intimacy and connection.


Sex is often not the problem. And it’s often not difficult to have sex. It might not be fulfilling, it might be just about orgasm, at least for one partner. It might be late at night, it might be quick. It might be early in the morning. Whenever, however, sex is often not the issue.


What we come to see is that for so many people sex has become the way we connect. It’s often the only way many people touch, and so often touch always leads to sex, which becomes why so many women don’t want to even touch in the first place.


And more and more men are understanding the power of intimacy and touch. In fact, as men learn more about sex and are willing to go beyond the closed loop of orgasm into the horizon of possibility, they’re looking for greater depth in their pleasure.


What that brings to mind, which is a slight digression, is that I’m coming to see that there is a distinction between sex and pleasure. Not that sex is not pleasurable, it’s that there’s something more. Sex, unless it’s at a higher level, meaning higher level of energy, more Conscious Sex, ends with orgasm. Touch, sensual touch, heart touch, massage, conscious caressing, stay with us. For a time after, days, a week. These experiences stay with us, they reach deep into us, waves of energy, waves of love, waves of connecting, waves of tenderness.

Our touch communicates our intention.

It’s a conversation,that says so much more than our words can.

When we go into a sexual space, we go somewhere different, we go into a different loop, until we start having energy sex.


The connection is the heart.

We can learn to connect with our hearts, to channel the energy from our hearts into our hands. We can learn that this is how we really connect, that most of our communication is beyond words, that this is where intimacy happens, then come the words.


We teach them to touch.

To be present in their touch. To talk with their hearts through their hands.

And in this we begin to see what making love can mean.