There is a sexual urgency in so many men that is a blockage to pleasure.
It’s an urgency to get hard, to get inside, to ejaculate.
It’s an urgency to perform, to succeed.
It’s an urgency that creates so much tension inside of us.
It’s an urgency based on fear, on failing.
In this we’ve created a judgment of our experience that has taken us far, so far from pleasure, from intimacy, from connection, from presence.
What if you couldn’t fail, at sex?
What if you stopped seeing it as a performance, to be judged by some maybe ridiculous standard?
What if there was a perspective that was about the freedom to have pleasure in a way that allowed you to actually relax into the experience, and into your body?
Here’s the thing.
Inside this urgency is fear. And in this we’re kept on a roller coaster of porn performance, media illusion, intimacy disconnect and chemical erections.
This has created the urgency of performance, the fear of failure, and the warped idea of what sexuality is.
This is what’s taken it from pleasure to performance.
The urgency has taken us to a place where everything is rushed.
It’s all about getting to the next step, the next, as quickly as possible, as quickly as we can get away with.
In this, we don’t feel. We don’t have time to feel, sensation and emotion, energy.
So our sex is in a nervous system space that’s contracted, rather than relaxed and open.
The urgency has taken us out of presence, out of intimacy.
It takes us to a place where we’re driven more by thoughts, fantasies, the end of the experience, the taking, more than sensation, energy and feeling.
There’s a linear expression in this sex, step follows step in a patterned way.
Pleasure flows, dances, has different rhythms, tempos, moods, energies.
It keeps changing, and we learn to listen, to feel the changes.
The urgency carries us down a well-trodden path with little awareness of what’s present.
What’s on either side of us, around us, right before us, within us.
We simply don’t see, hear, feel.
The urgency is tension, is in tension and creates tension.
To feel, we have to relax, to soften.
It’s the only way, without that we just don’t feel.
The pace of sex, of a sexual experience is deeply connected to this.
There’s a rush in the urgency, to get there, to achieve.
Which firstly has a judgment, on the experience being ‘successful’ or not, by a narrow criterion. And 2ndly, there’s no savouring. When we’re jumping from 1 step to the next, 1 touch to another, constant stimulation that’s hard and fast, we just don’t feel.
What this does, and it’s pretty common, is we might have orgasms, but there’s an emptiness. We have the sensation, the climax. And it doesn’t touch anything else inside of us. There’s the physical release…and it’s over.
The urgency fuels the fear of failure, of not getting an erection, the erection not lasting, not lasting in the experience and ejaculating too quickly.
It gets us into a cycle where the body and the mind are on such an edge that there actually isn’t a lot of pleasure. It’s much more about the release, and the relief we feel with that.
When we allow a mind shift, a body shift.
One of my favourite movies is The Rocky Horror Show, so when we make a jump to the left, and take a step to the right, our experience becomes different.
When we get out of the urgency, when we understand that we can’t fail, when we move into sex that’s more about pleasure, intimacy, energy and presence, so much changes.
For us, within us, between us.
When we learn to slow down, to pause, to feel.
This is where the quality of richness, of possibility, of curiosity, of limitless exploration lies.
And this is where the deepest fulfillment lives.
It’s not always easy.
We have a lifetime of patterning, of conditioning, of beliefs.
Of comparison and judgment.
Of a world that wants to keep us sexually trapped for so many reasons.
It goes to the self-definition we have of what it is to be a man, a sexual man, the very narrow and limited definition we’ve been given.
It’s a journey of the body, the heart, the mind.
To a greater freedom, of who we are, of how we are.
This is so much of the work I do with men, journeys of our sexuality, our eroticism.
I invite you to the wonder-full world of who you are, and the magnificent lover you can be.
