What Do You Want From Sex


I wrote an introduction to one of my newsletters a few weeks back, and today we need to expand on it.


I asked the question, ‘What do you want from sex?’

It’s actually a very big question, and really important on our journey to fulfillment.

There are so many different expressions of our sexuality, and just as many expressions of ourselves.


I think most people don’t go beyond wanting an orgasm, and most, women particularly, especially those who struggle with orgasm, settling for some pleasure.


Let’s go a little deeper.

What you want from sex today is not necessarily the same as tomorrow. And what you wanted from sex a year ago may not be what you want today at all.

Because we are different.

And we change.

And yet sex is the part of life that we generally change the least. It’s the part of life we follow our patterns with. And in many relationships, it’s the part of life spoken about the least.

Because if we’re asked to do something different, we often have no idea what that might be. And it brings up the fear that we are not fulfilling our partners.

And beyond that, beyond the sexual skills, we have no real framework for communicating about sex.

Then it makes us vulnerable, oh so vulnerable. We have to expose ourselves. We open ourselves up for rejection and judgment.


Learning about the range of sexual and pleasure possibilities is a life-long journey.

It takes us into our bodies, into our hearts, into our minds.

It takes us into fantasy.

It takes us into energy.

It takes us into spirit.

It takes us into biology and philosophy.

It takes us into what we’ve been conditioned to believe, what we’ve been given as right and wrong, the labels we’ve accepted and allowed.

It takes us into erotica.

It takes us into the parts of ourselves we’ve never brought into the light, so we call them dark.

We have to learn, we have to practice, we have to educate ourselves, to be one fulfilled, to be able to offer that to our lovers.

It’s a journey of exploration, communication, refinement and challenge.


And as we change, our desires change.

As we learn and expand, so our sexuality needs to do the same.


We don’t eat the same food every day.

We don’t wear the same clothes.

We don’t watch the same movie.


Today I want orgasms, tomorrow I want long, slow, deep, then I want to touch you for hours getting lost in the feel of your skin, then I want to feel your mouth on me and watch you, then I want my heart wrapped so closely around yours I don’t know what’s you and what’s me, then I want a flogger in my hand, then I want you to whisper your deepest fantasy in my ear as rub you, then, and then, and then…



Oscar Wilde once wrote that everything in life is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.

I offer you a slightly different interpretation of that.

Manifest your sexual power by asking for what you want.