‘Tell me what you want
What you really, really want!’
I’ve never been a Spice Girls fan, but the line has stuck in my head.
Here’s the thing, so often we don’t know what we want, sexually, sensually, intimately.
Over so many years of doing this work I’ve seen this so much, and lately it’s come up a lot, more from women than men, but men as well.
It really makes us think, when someone asks us what we want.
And when we go beyond the often narrow expression of pleasure, the pattern and the conditioning, we don’t know what to say.
And this is before we even think about asking for what we want.
Because we live in patterns, and because our sexual experiences are generally very patterned, we do what we know.
This often doesn’t have a lot to do with fulfilment, we do it because we’re used to doing it.
And we often don’t know what’s there, what can we do, what experiences, what possibilities there are.
It’s only when we begin exploring ourselves, exploring our own sensuality, sexuality, that we begin to open the question, What do we want?
It begins with an inner journey, of our bodies, our hearts, our minds.
It begins with exploring desire.
It begins with exploring our fantasies.
It begins with exploring possibility.
And it begins with exploring our feelings.
This is key, and a question to ask is, What would I like to feel, How would I like to feel?
The feeling is a powerful way in.
If I’d like to feel intimate, what experience would make that happen?
It might not be an orgasm, it might not be penetration.
It may be Eye-Gazing, it may be your hand on my Heart, it may be a conversation.
If I’d like to feel desired, if I’d like to feel wild?
Then it’s in the experience.
In the exploration, in the discovery.
This is where learning becomes important.
Firstly of what we could do, and then in how.
Where could we touch, how could we touch, what could we touch with?
It’s in the experience.
Start slowly.
Do something, do a little, dip a toe innthe water, have a taste.
Stop.
How does it feel?
Do you want more, do you want to change something?
Take time, be patient, be compassionate with yourself.
Listen to your body, to your heart.
Some experiences need to settle within us, drop through layers, find a place to sit.
We change, in this exploration.
We heal, we grow.
We open.
We see more of who we are, our self, self-definition, self-awareness, expands.
We drop inhibitions, limitations, fears, shame.
In exploring what we want.
Our relationships change, expand.
Our communication deepens.
We judge ourselves less, accept ourselves more.
We awaken parts of ourselves, sometimes we’ve know they’re there, we’ve hidden them well, sometimes it’s parts of us we’ve never seen, never knew.
It’s creative, curious, exciting.
There’s something else in this, something big.
It’s where our sexuality connects to life, to all of life.
As we ask the question in a pleasure context, we ask the question in life.
What do I want?
How do I want to live, what do I want to do?
It becomes a question of freedom, in pleasure, in life.
This is where Conscious Sexuality becomes Conscious Life, and Conscious Life becomes Conscious Pleasure.
I’d like to share an experience of this with you.
It happened in a session a while ago with a woman on a growth journey.
She’d never been able to ask for what she wanted, didn’t really know what she wanted.
We started with some choices.
I asked her how she’d like to be dressed, she said she’d like to be undressed, with a sarong.
I asked her if she’d like to do some breathing, some eye-gazing, a greeting.
She said yes.
After that insaid I wasn’t going to suggest anything until she asked.
She asked if I would look at her Yoni and tell her what I saw.
I did.
She asked if I’d touch her cervix, and describe what my hands were doing so she could feel it.
I did.
She asked to feel some pleasure, very gentle Yoni Massage, until she’d stay stop.
We did.
She asked to held.
We did.
The feelings were safety, acknowledgement, an exploration and connection with her body, pleasure, connection.
There was healing and release
I use a lot of food analogies, and that fits this perfectly.
We so often eat the same things, order the same things.
We enjoy them, but we mostly do it out of the pattern, instead of asking what we really feel like, what we really want today, right now.
Ordering a coffee is simple.
Planning a meal takes some thought.
Toast is a good way to look at it.
I’d like, for example, sourdough bread, I’d like it lightly toasted, some butter, some marmalade.
I might want one slice, then maybe another.
Or maybe something else.
We can plan our experiences in the same way, give some thought to how we’d like them to be, what we’d like them to involve.
There’s no limit.
The exploration, the discovery, is endless.
The feelings, the sensations, take us deeper, higher.
Open us more.
Each layer reveals another, makes another possible.
We become more curious, more creative.
More fulfilled, more connected.
We live more in the realm of possibility.
