There is a question, an issue, that comes up a lot. It has, in all the time I’ve been doing this work, and more so recently.
One partner wants to heal, to grow, to learn, to explore.
The other doesn’t.
And this applies more to men than women, although it’s not exclusive.
And even more so when there are issues, problems, in a relationship.
I’ve read, and even given, many answers to this over the years, some glib, some deep.
And yet there is no one answer.
And trying to convince a partner to heal something in the relationship, well, if they’re not willing, it says so much.
All of the resistances, despite that there may be many objections, are based in fear. Of something.
To step onto a path of healing takes enormous courage.
And as much as I wish I had an answer, especially when people reach out in pain, in hurt, and with such willingness to heal, I don’t have an answer.
Thinking about this after a recent discussion with someone, there was an awareness.
It’s not a new understanding.
And it can actually be said in one sentence.
We need to make it normal to talk about sex.
It’s normal to talk about problems with the car.
It’s normal to talk about business issues, health issues, financial issues.
It’s not normal to talk about sex, openly, honestly, in detail.
It’s normal to talk about so much.
And it’s not normal, for so many of us, to talk about sex.
And even more, to talk about sexual issues, problems, blockages.
We live in a world where we have access to more information than ever.
We also have access to more resources than ever.
And yet this is still the part of life that has the most guilt, the most shame, the most embarrassment, the most fear, the most myth, the most misinformation, than any other.
In a supposedly more open world, and in some ways it most definitely is, in others, not so much.
What we do have more openness with is ‘porn culture’, of which so much of mainstream media and entertainment is a part of.
We don’t have a personal openness.
Which is really about a personal relationship with sexuality, with our sexuality.
With our bodies, with our hearts, with our sexuality as an emotional expression.
One of the key words here is vulnerability.
And it’s still, for so many, the most vulnerable part of life.
Which makes it less normal to talk about, to engage with.
And so we have the idea that we need to protect ourselves from ourselves.
And all we do is shut ourselves down, shut ourselves away.
And stay in places of hurt, of disconnect, of loneliness, of rejection, of unfulfilled love, passion and desire.
The more normal it becomes to talk about sex, the easier these doors are to open.
It’s amazing that we’ll talk to our children about so many things.
And this still stays hidden.
When we’re embarrassed, essentially we’re embarrassed about ourselves.
I don’t have one answer.
I do have lots.
And more than anything else the answer is an invitation.
Not to find an answer, but to have the conversations.
To explore.
For you to bring all your guilt, all your shame, all of it.
And together, because we can’t do it on our own, we’re not meant to, together we can find a way.
And we can see how beautifully normal we are.
