The story of orgasm, the exploration of orgasm, the experience of orgasm is fascinating and limitless.
There are so many perspectives, so many angles, and so many experiences.
From the political to the intellectual to the scientific to the spiritual to the emotional to the physical to the energetic and more.
I’ve been sharing some pieces about orgasm and pleasure, and I’ve really been enjoying the discussions and comments that have come from these. Amongst these pieces, connected to them was The Cliteracy Masterclass. BTW, the replay of that is still available, message me to get the link for that.
We’re going somewhere else in our orgasm story today, a different thread in the beautiful, sometimes frustrating, sometimes challenging story of orgasm.
It’s about whose orgasm is it, who is it for?
Many of the studies about faking orgasm talk about that up to 80% of women have faked orgasm. And an enormous amount do so regularly. Firstly that’s a significant number. And secondly, it’s connected to who the orgasm is for.
Let’s add one more piece for now.
So many women can have orgasms on their own. Easily, fantastically, powerfully. And struggle with a partner.
A big part of this, and it’s a complex piece with so many parts, so many elements, that we’re not going to get to all of them now, is the question, who is the orgasm for?
And so often it’s more for your partner than for you. As an achievement, as a belief, as a goal. As success. As a measurement of the experience. As prowess. As I can do this.
When this is present it becomes less about pleasure, less about feeling, less about sensation, less about connection, less about energy.
It becomes more about performance and pressure.
It becomes about time.
It becomes about making someone else feel good, and not in a pleasure way.
At some point in our society, with collusion from a whole lot of sources, sex became more about measuring than experiencing, more about achieving than feeling, more about chasing than savouring.
And a big part of this, is your orgasm as a woman became more about the man than about you.
It’s been given to us that one of the ways we prove our worth as men is to ‘make you come’.
There’s actually a fear in this, because if I can’t, am I lacking as a man, am I less than?
One of the ideas we’re given as men, especially if we want to be considerate lovers, good lovers, make her come first, get her to finish.
A brief but important digression. Finish. That’s a big part of the whole issue. We want it to finish, we want to get to the end, which has become one of the most limiting ideas about sex and pleasure.
Back to…
So often all that we’re doing with this is creating pressure. Time pressure, because it can’t take too long. Which is where a lot of the faking comes in. And who put the time limit there anyway, and what exactly is it?
In movies, in porn, how long does it take? And do we know how removed that is from how the body actually works?
It’s a fantastic thing to want to give your lover pleasure, not in the way that takes her away from it, but enhances it.
I’d like to suggest a few different things to you. Which might help you be a better lover than just focusing on getting there, because the power is actually right here.
And as important as sexual technique is, it’s actually secondary to some of what I’m going to share here.
The 1st is that when we allow rather than force or chase orgasms, they happen with greater ease. Pressure creates tightening, contraction, in the body. And even if it’s a contractive clitoral orgasm, the context, the body has to be relaxed to allow it to happen.
The next is this. The intention. What is the experience about?
Which requires a conversation, difficult for many of us.
Is it about intimacy and pleasure, connection, feeling, sensation? Which is different to goal-oriented friction sex.
The next thing, and for many men this is difficult, and it actually takes so much pressure off of you. It’s difficult because it’s in the same category as asking for directions.
Which means it goes against so much of what your ego is fighting to hold on to.
If it’s about orgasm, ask.
Ask her, how she’d like to have the orgasm, what does she need you to do, what would she like to do. How she’d like to have the orgasm.
It’s her orgasm. She knows.
For many of us, this kind of conversation in the beginning can be difficult, awkward, embarrassing. With a little guidance and practice, it becomes easier, and it’s one of the most enlightening conversations we’ll ever have. And it opens the door to so many other conversations about pleasure and intimacy.
The thing to get, one of them anyway, is this.
The range of our sexual and pleasure experiences is vast. Most of us have sex in pretty patterned, conditioned and narrow ways.
When we begin to expand that we begin to see how many choices we have.
Orgasm is a choice. How that happens is a choice. It’s one possibility amongst so many.
And when we start talking, when we start asking what you’d like to experience, then learning how to make that happen, we open doors of such excitement, connection, fun, growth and pleasure.
And then we return the orgasm to its owner.
My orgasm is mine, for me.
Yours is yours, for you.
They can happen together, they can happen separately, they can happen in so many ways. They’re a choice.
There’s a question I share with my clients and students.
What’s really important?
Is making you come more important than us connecting, than us having the most fulfilling experience now, whatever that might be?
Come and explore this, let’s have a conversation, that’s how my journeys begin.
I invite you…
