There was a GIF posted this week in some different places that brought some really interesting reactions.
Amongst these was how many women are disconnected from their yoni, and how so many women don’t see their own beauty.
This is a big part of sexual healing, and as part of this there are practices I share with women I work with on healing journeys.
As introduce the practices I share some of what causes this disconnect.
As I started writing this so much more came up than I had connected before.
The link to the GIF is at the end of the piece.
There are so many things that disconnect women from their sexuality, from their bodies, from their yoni’s and from their pleasure.
I’ve also included one of the practices I share.
Here’s my understanding of what happens.
When we’re small, all children spend a lot of time with their hands in their pants. It’s comforting, it feels good. And we’re told don’t do that, don’t touch, it’s dirty, it’s nasty, you’re going to go blind, it’s going to fall off and all sorts of other crazy things.
So the disconnect begins.
It actually begins before that, and I’ll come back to that.
Then there are the words we’re taught for our genitals, which often have nothing to do with the rest of our bodies. My nose is always my nose. My genitals are different.
Puberty arrives and there are still so many women who get very little or no education for this. There is embarrassment and shame around this for so many young women.
It’s not spoken about openly, it’s not celebrated with any kind of ritual for the majority of young women. And it’s sanitized in a way that’s not realistic. The adverts for period products don’t have much to do with reality.
And the disconnect deepens.
Sexuality arrives in a way that brings confusion and chaos.
The sex education we’re given is firstly fear based, how not to get pregnant, how not to get STI’s. There is no education for pleasure. There’s no context for pleasure.
Then society creates this incredible paradox of using female sexuality to sell everything. It’s everywhere, not only for products but in movies, music, so much that’s targeted at young women.
The paradox is the judgement and lakes of expressing that sexuality, and the double standard linked with it. As a man if I have so much sex I’m a stud, and as woman if you do the same, you’re a slut.
Then there’s the expectation of pleasure.
The way its been created, and modelled by the porn industry, which has become the model of sexuality that so much of our world accepts, is that as a man I have to give you pleasure, I have to make you come. It’s about pressure and performance. When someone is responsible for your pleasure then it’s not yours and it’s not about you, it happens because I make it happen, because it’s both been taken away, and given away. It’s also about a lack of education, which goes so deep.
Because of my work in Conscious Sexuality I see this every day. And at a few workshops and talks I facilitated recently it was affirmed, with sadness.
A woman who has been married for 14 yrs didn’t know if her husband was circumcised or not. On a Self-Pleasuring Workshop most of the participants, men and women were not sure where the clitoris was. And that’s the tip of the iceberg, but it shows what’s happening with sex education.
Then there’s biology.
As a man I get to see my genitals, all of them, as often as I want. Without a mirror that’s really difficult for a woman. If I’m sitting between your legs I get to see everything.
Then there’s the judgement of how your yoni should look, taste, smell.
This again comes from the porn industry, which has created an absolute illusion, fantasy, absurdity that has nothing to do with beautiful reality.
In cahoots with this, although I doubt consciously, is the beauty industry, which have created a range of useless products that distance you from your yoni and its natural functions.
And the disconnect continues.
Then we get to the medical aspect, and their latest trend of yoni surgery to look a certain way to fit in with a very narrow perception that is supported by what the porn and beauty industries have created. It’s sanitizing, disconnecting, judgemental in a way that deepens the disconnect.
The political aspects also have an impact on the disconnect.
As we see at the moment in America with the abortion legislation coming through in some states, it adds to the disconnect.
And let’s not forget about religion. The judgement, the condemnation, the limitation, the repression of female sexuality, and by extension, your yoni, furthers this disconnect.
Then there are some deep and really old social patterns of ownership of women, and by extension, your body, your yoni. This goes back to the time, and for much of our world, that time is still in existence, where women were seen as property. If I own you I won your body, and I’ll decide what to do with that.
That may not be the case for much of the western world but the ideas are still in our genetic consciousness.
Along with this, our genetic consciousness, is that we carry family, tribal, religious, cultural patterns within us. And because many of our mothers carried their own sexual shame, guilt and hurt that they never dealt with, it’s a part of us.
Then there’s the power, the power of the yoni, the power of pleasure, and the power, the amazing depth and power of female sexuality that terrifies so many men, and women.
So we disconnect more.
And a part of this is the judgement of pleasure, of how it should look and how it should be, in someone else’s eyes.
This was epitomized by a woman I saw in my practice a while ago. She had a new lover and was unable to have orgasms with him because ‘when I come it’s so loud and messy because I squirt and I don’t know if he’ll be OK with it.’
Then there’s a mystical connection, a fascination to and with about yonis.
She draws us in a way nothing else does.
Part of this is the portal she offers, which we begin to understand when we connect with the deeper possibilities of sexuality and sexual energy.
And in its mystery, which so many fear, that the wish to control it, through shame, through judgement, through separation, pain and disconnect.
These are just some of the things that cause this disconnect, separation and judgement of your yoni.
The impact of this happens in many ways, from painful sex, being unable to have orgasms, being sexually unfulfilled, judging your sexuality and your yoni, being powerless, being secondary, undeserving and so much more.
This is a practice that’s part of a healing journey.
It can be powerful on its own in helping you connect and reconnect with your yoni, but it’s important to understand that it’s in the context of a bigger programme.
And the same practice can be done by men.
There are two parts to this.
The first is Greeting Your Yoni.
Become aware of the Anatomy of your yoni, particularly your vulva, the external aspect of your yoni. There are so many diagrams for this.
Then create a ritual space, maybe light some candles, play some music, gather anything that has meaning for you.
You need a mirror for this practice and enough light to see your body clearly.
When you create this space you’re creating an intention. There’s a consciousness to it, an awareness and a purpose.
Maybe begin with a few minutes of Heart Breathing.
Put your hand on your heart centre in the middle of your chest.
As you breathe in get a sense that you’re breathing in to your heart and that you’re breathing out from your heart.
Slown, deep breaths.
When you’re ready, you’re going to greet your yoni.
Greet every part of her, not just looking, saying hello as if you were greeting someone really special.
Do this with your lips, your clitoris, your urethra, your yoni opening, your perineum, every single element.
Then sit for a while, be aware of what you feel, what your thoughts are, how your body feels.
Without trying to create any expectations, what many women have shared is how emotional they felt, often tearful, how their yoni started talking to them, gave them a name, they saw her, saw themselves as being beautiful.
The 2nd part of this is The Story of Your Yoni.
You’re going to connect with her and allow her to tell you her story.
Your body is your subconscious mind.
It’s also the place where so many of our patterns are, where so much of our pain is.
And also where such possibility is.
I share this as a writing exercise.
Connect with your yoni, maybe hold her, breathe into her.
And allow her to tell you her story.
Sit with the pen and wait for it to start.
Not from your conscious mind, from your body.
When it starts it can happen in any way.
It might a sequential story, and it could jump all over.
It might be a few sentences and it might be pages and pages.
When it starts to slow down, when you start to think about what you’re writing, stop. That’s more of your mind than your body.
If it doesn’t happen now or today, leave it after about 10 mins. You can’t force it, you can’t rush it.
When it happens it can be deeply emotional, it can tell of so much hurt, in so many ways.
And it can also be about pleasure, the possibilities, what she’d like to experience.
Let it be what it is.