After Valentine’s Day
I’m not a great fan of Valentine’s Day. More than anything else because of the commercialization which it gives us as an empty expression of love.
You get the flowers, the chocolate the jewellery, the lingerie, the dinner, the whatever.
I’m going to digress for a moment and drop a hint, I really like really good quality dark chocolate!
And then what?
What happens the next day?
So let’s not throw the baby away with the bathwater here, because there are possibilities. And the more time I spend learning, teaching, experiencing, exploring, the more I see how many possibilities are present in every situation.
And here’s the possibility.
Don’t stop there, on one day.
Every day, every single day.
Surrender to Pleasure
We surrender to our sexuality, to our deep pleasure by becoming sex rather than doing sex, having sex.
For many of us sex is a doing thing, it has a progression that we follow, which is mostly a pattern that is largely unconscious.
It has steps and boxes for us to tick off and check.
It often, mostly has a goal of orgasm, which keeps us in the pattern of doing, something we have to reach, make happen. It also becomes the criterion by which to judge the experience, was it successful, did we get there?
Did You Come? Such a Heavy Question
One of the things that emerged, as it does on so many journeys, that is so important in our sexual journeys.
Get away from the outcome into the pleasure.
It’s so simple, and it changes so much in so many relationships, in so many experiences and opens so many doors of possibility.
It frees us to feel, to experience.
It frees us to connect.
It frees us into intimacy.
A Shift in Perspective on Oral Pleasure
A while ago a woman asked me a question, How do I give a better Blow-Job?
On the surface it’s a simple question, and as I see more and more, the simple questions have such depth.
We spoke a little about it, and she said that her first thought was about techniques. She thought she didn’t know enough, and if she learned more of the skills involved it would improve her performance.
Then we had a discussion about that, performance.
I asked why she thought of it as a performance, who was she performing for?
She said she wanted to giver her partner the most pleasure.
I said that maybe performance and pleasure weren’t the same thing, that performance was about creating pressure, it was about being judged, graded, given a bronze, silver or gold medal, whatever the criteria were.
So we spoke a little about pleasure.
And whose pleasure. Aah, that struck a chord somewhere.
Drop Into Your Body
Drop into your body.
Drop deep, into the base, into the pelvis.
On so many journeys, in so many teachings, it’s about moving up, moving away from our base.
And it just may be that moving the other way, moving down, brings us into ourselves. Into the core.
We can’t wait to get higher, and we can’t wait to move.
And in this we so often force the movement, we force the energy.
And we’re sitting, literally and metaphorically with a pelvis of deep tension, contraction, tightness congestion. Emotionally, physically, energetically.
We’ve created a disconnect from ourselves, a distance in our bodies.
Imagine That You Had a Lover
Imagine that you had a lover, and that lover wanted to explore your body, get to know your body, caress your body. Imagine that this lover wanted to find the ways and places you like to be touched.
Imagine that this lover wanted to look at your body, turn you this way and that to see your curves, your valleys, the way your body curls inwards to the secret places of pleasure.
Imagine that this lover wanted to hear you moan and sigh and growl and scream.
Imagine that this lover wanted to taste your body, in all the places they could, your sweat, your juices.
The Dance of Seduction
There is something so important in relationships, it’s vital to the longevity of a relationship, to the excitement and intimacy of a relationship.
Seduction.
To keep seducing each other.
Over and over again.
Seduction is a dance, an invitation.
It’s a space we offer, not only of experience, but also of the mind, the heart.
Enter From Within
I learned something this week.
Enter from within.
It sounds paradoxical, it is, as is so much of life, when we really see it.
Enter from within.
It’s expanding inside of me, showing more every day.
I’m going to put it in the context of a Yoni experience, Cervix experience.
The orgasm, when it happened, and it arose spontaneously, came in waves that moved through her body, spreading the energy through every part of her body, deepening inwards. Feelings, sensations that were still there the next day.
The Sexual Energy of Self-Pleasuring
A while ago I facilitated a Self-Pleasuring Experience.
One of the first questions that comes up is how do you facilitate that, because I know how to do it?
My answer is this, you know how to masturbate, and Self-Pleasuring is actually a different experience, as is a sexual energy experience.
What we did in this experience was have the energy practices, of breath, of movement, of touch, of sound, and then have the genital touch experience.
This Touch of Possibility
I was thinking about all the massage experiences I teach and do.
Conscious Sensual Massage, a vast field of healing and pleasure, Taoist Sexual Energy Massage, Kashmiri Massage, Water Flow Massage, Yoni Massage in its many expressions of healing and pleasure, Lingam Massage and the different ways we can do that, Breast Massage, Anal Massage, Mouth Massage, Sensual Bondage Massage/Awakening the Senses, Earth Massage, Liquid Light and more.
I was thinking about how important touch is for us, more so at the moment due to the isolation, the disconnect, the loneliness, the fear so many of us have been in the past two years.
I was thinking about how when I developed The Heart Touch so much changed in the way I teach.
Three (Erotic) Things
Three things, just three things.
And so much happens with these three things.
They could be any 3 things, and today I chose these. Rope, a blindfold, a flogger.
The strands of the flogger are made of rubber. They give a sensation, a sting, not pain.
They can also be stroked across the skin, your skin, across your whole body. They can be stroked over your legs, your thighs, the inside of your thighs, your groin crease. They can be stroked over your Yoni or Lingam. They can be stroked over your belly, your breasts, your back, your neck. They’re not just for flogging. And even that can have different sensations. One stroke. And then a pause.
Maybe a few, maybe in the same place, maybe all over. Then a pause.
Then maybe my fingertips, so softly over where the flogger struck.
Or my mouth close to your skin, blowing.
One Journey, Thank You
We’ve shared a lot this year, you and I.
Some in person, some on the other side of a screen, some reading what I write, some on my DVD’s and programmes.
I am grateful for all of it.
I learn from our discussions, questions and comments, whatever they are.
I learn about myself, and this year, maybe more than ever, has been some of the deepest learning. It’s also been a year of looking deeper into myself than ever, with more truth than ever.
I learn about this journey, this work. As much as I can call it work, because it’s a joy to share what we do.
The Dance of the Heart
‘My touch is the dance of my heart on your body.’
I wrote this line and shared it in an image a few days ago, then I read it a few times.
Earlier in the day I shared a massage swap that began with an extended time of Eye-Gazing, Heart Connection, our energies merging.
I was receiving, as much as there is giving and receiving in this space.
My partner did things she’s never done before, and I felt things I’ve never felt before.
And as I read that line again I realized that that’s what massage in that deep space is.
The dance of the Heart.
And that filled me with wonder.
The dance emerges, it has rhythm and flow, rests and pauses.
It’s a dance that never was danced before, it never will be again.
Not quite like this.
The Freedom of Sacred Saliva
Let’s start with this.
What makes saliva sacred?
Nothing, other than it’s an element of our Divine body, and as everything, every bodily fluid, is part of us, in this Divine body.
And if we were more aware of this, we would probably do some things very differently. I certainly know I would have.
Now let’s talk about the freedom of saliva.
Man to Man Kashmiri Massage
For a man to sit opposite another man and to look into his eyes is powerful.
For a man to sit naked opposite another man is powerful.
For a man to hold his hands out to another man is powerful.
For a man to be acknowledged by another man is powerful.
For a man to sit with his heart against that of another man is powerful.
For a man to be held by, to hold, another man is powerful.
For a man to breathe with another man is powerful.
For a man to be touched, to touch, another man is powerful.
For a man to receive from another man is powerful.
Be Still and Know
I went to dancing on Saturday night, around the fire, with the wind and some rain.
Sensual.
And primal.
Moments of just the music in my ears and my body moving, the earth beneath my feet, the sensation on my skin.
In one way so simple, something ancient.
Moving to music.
It does do much, on so many levels for us, thus dance.
I often compare the dance to massage, the dance of my hands on your skin. The sensation of the touch, the space it opens in your body, the stillness within, the intimacy of our eyes meeting for a moment.
I feel new space open in my body, in my dance. The deep stillness when the movement stops.
The Gates of the Temple, A Ritual
The Gates of the Temple.
The Lips of your Yoni.
Approach the temple with reverence.
In your eyes, in your heart, in your hands.
This is sacred ground.
She is of the earth, of the stars, of the ocean.
The Divine Breath flows in her body.
The Divine Fire burns in her heart.
The Divine Nectar flows in the space behind these gates.
She Got Fire
She got fire.
From deep in the earth.
From the volcano that burns in the deep of the ocean.
From the stars that give birth to worlds.
She got fire.
In her eyes, in her words, in her belly.
In her sex, she got fire.
What You Seek
The next thing is that we’re going to create a space within us for something to happen.
In this space, which is a space of intimacy with ourselves, a space of awareness.
A space of energy.
A space of the body.
A space of the heart.
A space of softness.
It’s a space of connecting with ourselves, naturally.
Out of Time Into Pleasure
There is a beautiful unfolding in the journey of teaching, which is the journey of learning.
I talk, and teach, a lot about orgasms.
I also talk, and teach, a lot, about how orgasms are often a limitation on pleasure.
What we have done is made orgasm the criterion for a ‘successful’ sexual experience, instead of our experience being about pleasure.
In this we’ve created the pressure of having to have an orgasm, which takes us out of the moment, out of the sensations, out of the energy that we’re feeling now.
An aspect of the pressure is that we see orgasm as an achievement, a goal.
And a big part of this is time.
The time it takes us to have an orgasm.
The Heart of Male Sexuality
We have, us men, these Hearts.
We have this energy of connection.
We have this space to hold you in.
We have this fire to heat you in.
We have this roar to appreciate you in.
We have this quiet to lie with you in.
We have this vulnerability to share with you.
We have this presence, expressed in so many ways.
We have this softness to flow with you.
We have this rhythm to dance with you.
Precious Tears
There have been a lot of tears this week.
My tears, men’s tears, women’s tears.
Tears of gratitude and celebration.
Tears of hurt.
Tears of what’s been hidden, being revealed, and the lightness, the freedom this has brought.
The relief of not carrying that weight any more.
Tears of who we are, almost as a birth, looking at ourselves as if for the first time. Seeing with eyes that are more open, eyes that take some time to adapt to this new vision, looking with wonder.
Tears of release, of letting go, of softening.
I Have Become (Un)Comfortably Numb
We’re taught, from the time we’re small, not to feel too much, too deeply.
Or rather, we’re not taught, to feel, to be with our emotions, to digest them, to learn from them.
It’s a disconnect from the body.
It’s a disconnect from our heart.
It takes us out of being present.
It takes us out of intimacy.
And it takes us out of the possibility of deep pleasure.
The Divine Possibility of Yoni Opening
At the moment many women are reaching out with a desire to have deeper, more fulfilling experiences.
For some women it’s about being able to have sex without pain.
For some women it’s about having an orgasm.
For some women it’s about feeling desire.
For some women it’s about exploring, discovering.
For some women this is about internal orgasms, G-Spot Orgasms, A-Spot, Cervical Orgasms.
The Practice of Sensual Awareness
We use the word Sensuality in a variety of ways.
We use it connected to sex, as the foreplay, the lead up to sex.
We use it connected to experiences of touch, of sensation.
We use it connected to massage, and sensual massage usually means, not always, depending on our understanding, something genital.
A Neck Nuzzle
I would like to share something with you that is so delicious, so simple.
And like a lot of simple things in the world of sensuality there is such depth, such subtlety and such nuance in this.
It’s an art, an expression of the art of pleasure, the art of love, the art of seduction and the art of arousal.
The Space of Male Pleasure Possibility
In many of the workshops and lessons and experiences I’ve been facilitating lately, and over all the time I’ve been teaching, I’ve seen something in many men.
Regardless of what the workshop or experience is about, it becomes about the cock, the penis, the erection, the touch, penetration, orgasm.
There’s an urgency, a desperation in the way it’s expressed. Everything else is forgotten in that moment. It seems as if there’s a switch that goes on, from nought to hyperdrive in a moment, and whatever else we’re doing is switched off.
There might have been intimacy and connection, there might have been an open heart, there might have been a stillness, a quietness, an inner awareness of energy.
And in a moment it’s all focused in one place, in one need.
And that by itself is interesting.
It becomes a need, not a want or desire. A hip-pumping need.
The Flow of Desire, Naturally
Connection.
Flow.
Natural flow.
An invitation that opens in space.
Possibility.
For something to emerge, arise, from the unknown.
The Penetration of Fire
There’s an art of penetration that can deepen the experience incredibly for both partners.
It’s more about energy.
About exploring sensation.
About an intimacy, which is often lacking in friction sex.
About the portal the energy opens to deeper states of awareness.
Sexual Awakening, Life Awakening
Recently I’ve been doing a lot of work with people, men and women, on sexual awakening.
This isn’t something new, I’ve been doing this for a long time, and over time the elements of this journey have deepened and expanded.
I’d like to share some of these with you.
Sexual Awakening is stepping into the field of possibility.
It’s a journey into yourself, into all aspects of yourself.
It’s a journey into vitality and passion.
It’s a journey into creativity.
A journey into your body, your heart, your mind and your spirit.
Penetration of the Heart
The way most people have penetrative sex is what we call friction sex.
That’s exactly what it is, skin rubbing against skin. We generally do it harder and faster as the sensation builds to have that explosive, contractive orgasm.
It becomes about more friction, more friction, harder, faster.
It’s the explosion we’re seeking.
When we expand our perspective on this we come to see that there are so many more possibilities in the experience.
When we begin learning and exploring we become aware of sensation and energy.
The Limitless Conversation of Touch
Touch is a language
That goes deeper than words
It’s the language of the body
That has a knowing
That speaks to the heart
To the places deep within us
Learning to touch, to massage, is one of the most important things we can do.
Especially in relationship.
Hey Man, Learn to Soften
I work a lot with men with ‘performance’ issues.
And that’s a big part of the problem.
It’s not a performance.
It’s not a race, a competition, an achievement. It’s not something you have to make happen.
As soon as there’s performance, there’s pressure. You succeed or you fail.
And in that there is no space for pleasure.
There’s no space for intimacy.
There’s no space for presence.
Intimacy Bypass
I was thinking about intimacy, sex, making love. I was contemplating a piece I thought I was ready to write called Foreplay of the Heart. That wasn’t quite there, this was.
Often, for many of us, sex is a bypass of intimacy.
Orgasm is a bypass of intimacy.
We’ve been conditioned to think that sex and intimacy are the same thing.
They’re not.
That doesn’t mean they can’t be, of course they can. If we have a very different kind of sex, or rather, in a different way.
But for so many of us we put sex and intimacy in bed together and they’re not.
Important Sexual Words, in a Clitoral Context
I’d like to share some really important sexual words with you, and then put them in a specific context and experience.
Before you get all excited these may not be the words you’re expecting, and they are words to get even more excited about because they’ll help you have more sex, and more fulfilling sex.
The experience we’re going to connect these words to is something that’s come up a lot lately with people I’ve been working with, and in online discussions and questions. And once you get it in this experience you’ll be able to use it in so many ways.
She’d Like You to Know
Over the past weeks, as over the years, I’ve had some conversations with women.
These are women who are looking to heal, expand, change, improve their relationships. They’d like, love, want so much, to have greater intimacy and connection, more pleasure, share more, feel more, love more.
They’ve opened the door.
Out of love, out of desire.
Some of their partners are willing to share the journey, do the work, go into themselves.
Some are not. And that’s not exclusive to men.
Heart – Centered Erotic Touch
The first thing I teach everyone I work with, the first thing we do on all the workshops and retreats, the first thing on all the webinars, is The Heart Connection.
When I started teaching massage it was all about technique. This was more than 25 years ago. The focus of the lessons was how to, and the ways to.
Then I developed The Heart Touch, and everything changed.
From that Heart Connection we touch differently, with greater awareness, love, tenderness, energy.
Soft Sex
So often when we hear the term soft sex we think about a soft Lingam.
That can be such a beautiful experience and has some amazing possibilities.
I’d like to share something different with you about soft sex.
It’s a softening, a softening into your body, your heart, your genitals, into your partner, into the moment, into the energy.
There’s a tenderness here.
I love that word.
It’s an opening, a surrender.
There’s an honoring in tenderness, in the way we look at each other, the way we touch, the way we hold each other.
There’s care in tenderness.
Divine Desire
I started writing a piece on the shame of desire.
This came up a lot in the past week with my students and clients. How we’ve been made to feel shame for the desires we have, what it means, who we are when we have these experiences. So much of this has been the ‘wrongness’ of what arouses us. So much of this has been the story of what we should be, how we should be, and how our sexuality should be expressed. According to someone else’s idea, expectation and story.
That’s important here, the story we tell ourselves, have been told.
The (Yoni) Freedom to Feel
The freedom to feel is the freedom to experience, feeling, sensation, energy, emotion.
It’s the freedom to experience the moment, in the fullness of all that it has to offer.
To feel this requires us to relinquish many things.
It requires us to let go of the patterning around pleasure which is linked to performance and the pressure this creates.
It requires us to let go of achievement.
It requires us to let go of getting it right, making it happen.
It even requires us to let go of orgasm.
Meet Yourself in Pleasure
In pleasure we meet ourselves.
In deep, conscious pleasure we meet some of the deepest parts of who we are.
My teaching journey began teaching about pleasure, particularly women’s pleasure.
This included offering touch, massage and pleasure experiences. These were experiences of deep pleasure, service, intimacy, fun, learning, discovery, emotion, exploration, healing, growth, spirit, connection, release and more.
Over time this journey expanded into working and sharing as deeply with men.
Pleasure.
And over time I’ve come to see, in so many ways, the power and possibility of pleasure.
In this I have learned, developed and created, and continue to do, so many pleasure experiences.
The Intimacy of Being
Intimacy is a state of being.
It’s who we are.
It’s within us.
Looking for intimacy, which is what so many of us are, especially now.
Looking for intimacy is looking for ourselves.
It’s a journey of connecting, re-connecting, rediscovering, a deep part of who we are.
Erotic Humility
This first came to me in the context of Yoni, and Lingam Massage.
As I sat with it, exploring it, I became aware of how it extends to all erotic and pleasure experiences.
Erotic Humility.
For me the Erotic is the body and the heart. They’re inseparable.
It’s the space where energy expresses itself in sensuality and pleasure.
Not only the sensuality connected to sensuality but the fullness of life, being in a body, in the world.
It’s the space of feeling, of sensation, intuition, inspiration.
Healing Within Ourselves, Or Maybe I Don’t Need to be Fixed
I’ve been working in the field of Conscious Sexuality for a long time, teaching and doing one-on-one.
I love the journeys I share because of the depth we go to. That’s really what interests me, the depth, the learning, the understanding, the growth that comes from that.
And the healing.
And that’s what I’d like to share with you, a perspective in healing.
My Relationship With My Yoni
On the wall in my bedroom is a picture of a Lingam, and a stylised Yoni. They were made for me by a lover.
I can’t share the Lingam image with you, it’s been deemed too sexual for some sites, the image with this piece is the Yoni.
A lot of people come to see me, online as well as in person, because relationships have ended or are in trouble.
We talk a lot about the patterns we live with, it’s a cornerstone of my work.
What we come to realize is that these relationships are often, mostly, an expression of the patterns within us.
And a big part of this is the relationship we have with ourselves, with our bodies, hearts and genitals.
Yoni Kiss
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience your pleasure
I offer you my lips, my tongue, my teeth
That you may experience your Yoni
In sensation, in feeling, in energy, in delight, in celebration
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience the nectar of this secret flower of passion
I offer you my mouth
To honour this ocean flesh, this pearl
I offer you my mouth to bring all of these hidden folds of delicate skin to bloom
I offer you my mouth
That you may experience your fire, your gentle, your subtle, your endless pleasure.
A SENSUAL, INTIMATE THREESOME OF TOUCH
A while ago I had a 3-way touch experience that was so beautiful, so sensual, so intimate.
It was deeply arousing, with no penetration, no orgasm.
It was just hands flowing over skin, bodies touching, moving, so many places of contact. There was such awareness of sensation, of texture, of breath.
There was the smell of arousal, which, when you open your sense of smell, subtle, so intimate, it’s on the skin of men and women. And it’s appropriate to say that this group was two men and a woman.
It went on and on, caress, stroking, feeling.
Sexually Bored, You Must Be Asleep!
Recently a few people, both couples and single people have come to see me because they’re sexually bored.
I’ve been teaching in the field of Conscious Sexuality for over 20 years, and this is a pretty common thing. In fact in long-term relationships it’s one of the biggest sexual issues that people encounter. And sometimes it doesn’t have to be experienced in a long relationship.
Often we’re bored with our own sexuality, which has nothing to do with our partner’s, it’s fully about us. I’m going to come back to that a little later on.
Recently something landed for me about being sexually bored.
If you are, bored with your sexuality, with the experiences that you’re having you’re either asleep, unconscious, disconnected, so stuck in a pattern, so goal-oriented, so in expectation, so deep in a pattern.
How else can you be sexually bored?
In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.
YoniLIngam in the Body
Much of my work is in the world of sexual healing. At least that’s where many journeys start, then they become more about learning, growing, exploring, expanding. These journeys also become more about life, all aspects of life.
In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.
For Whom do we Heal?
Yesterday I shared a post that I wrote a while ago, called What’s Become of Us.
It’s on my page if you’d like to read it.
It was prompted by a few things. Many women sitting with me and talking about how difficult it is to talk to their male partners about sexual and relationship issues, how they think they have to do it carefully so as not to upset them, how delicately they have to handle it.
There were some great discussions, comments and questions that prompted these thoughts.
We have to heal for ourselves.
We have to grow, to expand, release, for ourselves.
We can’t do it for another.
We can’t do it for a relationship.
We have to do it for ourselves.
