May is traditionally known as Mast*******n Month, which brings so many possibilities to awareness.
Possibilities of pleasure, of sexual energy, of self-love, exploration, growth, healing and intimacy.
For a long time I’ve spoken about the difference between mast*******n and self – pleasure.
And the reason I’m using *** is that I was once blocked on FB for writing about, you know what…
At almost every workshop I talk about creating a sensual space for experiences, for connection, for pleasure, for deep communication, for ritual etc.
I talk about the elements of this space, being warm, music, candles, maybe incense, flowers, shells, crystals, whatever it is that’s important to you.
I talk about how preparing the space, whether it’s simple or ornate, is the beginning of coming to the experience with a deeper awareness, more presence.
There are many different expressions of Yoni Massage that I offer and teach.
There’s Quiet Yoni, a deep, slow, gentle meditation of touch. There’s The Fire Massage, building sexual energy to a heightened state of pleasure, often an explosive orgasm. There are the different healing massages. There’s Expanded Orgasm, moving sexual energy in waves of pleasure throughout the body for a deep experience. There’s Heart Yoni, connecting heart and sexual energy.
The context of the massage allows some beautiful and powerful things to happen.
There is a deep practice of Lingam Healing, male healing, heart healing.
It’s a practice of presence.
It’s a slow practice, it has very little movement.
It’s a practice of time, in two ways, the time it takes each time, and the time it takes for a man to relax into it, to receive it.
And then there’s the time it takes for the person doing the practice to be present for longer. Which makes it a meditation, an unlearning, a learning, an inner journey.
I was thinking about making love, and some interesting things came to awareness.
Often in workshops and discussions there’s a question that comes up, which is What’s the difference between having sex and making love.
Is it just semantics or is something there?
Something is definitely there.
I talk about sex as a goal-oriented genital activity. The goal being orgasm.
If we break this down, firstly, there’s the goal. This becomes the focus, and everything we do is about reaching the goal, making it happen, for you, for me, for both of us. When this is our focus we move into a space of performance, of pressure. We’re not present in our bodies, in our feelings, in sensation. We’re in whatever thoughts, fantasies, we need to get there, wherever there is, which is not here.
In this we’re actually having sex for the end, for the ending.
For many of us pleasure is way down the list of what’s important.
And I’m not talking about sex and orgasm.
I’m talking about pleasure, the energy that vibrates in every cell in our bodies. The energy of life-force. The energy of creativity. The energy of Divine life. The energy of intimacy with ourselves. The energy of love.
An expanded state of being.
An open heart.
In the body, deep in the body.
Pulsating with desire.
Sex is easy, orgasms for many of us, easy.
Pleasure is something else.
In a few weeks, less than 2 in fact, I’m teaching a series of workshops in Ireland that we’ve called The Body of Possibility.
And that’s what they’re about, the possibility that’s in our bodies.
Possibilities for healing, for connection, for intimacy, for sensation, for feeling, for growth, for learning, for experience, for knowing, for presence, for awareness.
And for love.
In the body.
There’s a line in Tantric text that says First the learning is in the body, then the eyes, then the words.
Last week was Coffee and Cunnilingus Day, which came about in response to Steak and Blow-Job Day, which came about in response to Valentine’s Day.
Makes me wonder what’s next.
I write a Coffee Blog, shorter pieces, often very personal. I wrote one for this, Coffee, Hot Cross Buns and Cunnilingus, which had a fabulous response, and led to some beautiful, interesting conversations, some with deep pain and the possibility of healing.
From this my mind wandered over many aspects of this beautiful, delicious, intimate, arousing, worshipful experience.
And from this I’d like to share some aspects of this with you.
I had some deep and serious stuff to share with you today, and then I had a conversation with someone yesterday that changed it.
Here’s what it brought to mind.
We take sex seriously, and in the world’s of Neo-Tantra and Conscious Sexuality we take it seriously.
We have to breathe in the right way, we have to be in the right positions, we have to make the right noises, we have to move the energy, we have to have many orgasms, or none.
We have to do it right.
For so long I’ve stayed away from the term Tantric Massage.
Mostly because of the sexual connotation that so many people bring to it.
I get so many requests from people who want to learn Tantric Massage. And my first question to them is What do you think it is? And almost all of them talk about something connected to Yoni/Lingam/Genital/Orgasm.
And that’s the connection most people have with the massage.
There is more.
So Much More!
There’s a lot of stuff around at the moment about being a good lover.
And lots of people, men and women, want to learn how to be a good lover.
And there are so many courses offering so many sexual skills.
And a lot of them have valuable information for us. Learning about our bodies, our partner’s bodies, anatomy is important.
Learning about where the pleasure spots are is important.
Learning about how to touch, lick, kiss, suck and more is important.
Learning how to breathe is important.
Learning how to communicate is important.
There is a moment, a Divine Erotic Moment.
A Conscious Erotic Moment.
It could be with my face in your neck, breathing your scent in, feeling the soft warmth of the curve there.
It could be with my hand wrapped in your hair, pulling your head back, opening your throat to my mouth.
It could be the rope you’re trailing over my body and the exquisite sensation of aliveness on my skin.
It could be with my teeth in the flesh of your shoulder, the fire in my body, in my mouth.
It could be my mouth close to your ear, and the words I whisper.
It could be our eyes, what we see in the moment of gazing, what we see as we travel the curves of our bodies.
It could be the silence of a moment.
There is a sensuality of men, between men, that few of us get to experience.
It is rich in gifts, deep, vast.
Gifts of support, of connection, of intimacy.
Gifts of the body, gifts of the heart.
One of the events I offer is an experience I created called Water Flow Massage.
It happens in an indoor heated pool where the water encompasses us like a womb of safety, sensation and feeling.
It’s a touch experience, with a lot of holding, gentle movement, and stillness.
It’s designed to be deeply relaxing, connected, intimate, soft and opening.
Some of the practices you do on your own, some with a partner, and some in a group.
There are moments of Erotic experience, moments of deep pleasure, moments of sexual energy, moments of intimacy, moments of the heart, moments of the body, that have no words.
They’re sacred moments, moments of an open heart.
Moments that show how vast the space of the heart is.
Moments that arise from deep within us.
Moments of eyes, of breath, of touch.
That are changing the way I work, and the experiences I share, and will soon start teaching.
For a long time I’ve been working with the connection between our genitals and throat. For many of us this begins as healing, releasing, opening.
We hold so much there, so many unsaid things, so much tension, contraction.
So many times we didn’t ask for what we want, not only in sex but in all of life. So many times we held ourselves back from saying what we needed to. So many times we were taught not to express certain emotions. So many times we didn’t have the courage to use our voice. So many times there was fear around speaking our truth. So many times we said yes when we meant no, no when we meant yes.
So many times all of that was me.
‘I wanted to share this with you. As I woke up this morning with the sun on my bed, I could feel the energy moving in my body. I know it so well but it’s often so intense that I’m a bit afraid of it and try to contain it. Today as I felt it moving I decided to meet it with curiosity. I put my hands on my heart and my yoni, I breathed into my heart and I asked it “where do you want to go and what do you want to do?” as I met it with that gentle, open curiosity it moved from an intense flow of energy up and down my body, spreading itself outwards throughout my whole body until my finger tips tingled. It flowed outwards in waves of delicious pleasure, gently inhabiting my whole body and expanding my yoni so that it felt as if my yoni was meeting my heart for the very first time. I’m lying here with the sun caressing my skin in a place of pure pleasure and lightness.’
There is something fascinating that happens in Deep Yoni Massage.
And I’m using the word deep in a few different ways here.
And all of them are about presence, connection, intimacy, awareness, the heart.
Which is the journey of the guide, an inner journey. I’m using the word guide instead of giver, doer, because you’re simply guiding the energy, guiding her body.. Everything is within her, and in this experience, there’s a conversation, a deep conversation beyond words.
It’s a conversation of the body, of sensation, of awareness.
It’s a deeply intimate conversation, in your body talking to my hands, and me sensing that. No thought. Sensing, feeling, being.
As soon as it’s a thought, the feeling is lost, and then it becomes an experience of what should I do, how should I move, am I doing it right, who am I doing it for, how much can I turn you on.
It becomes about my thoughts, rather than what’s there in the touch, there in your body, and in mind.
There is something so important for both healing and pleasure that we tend to overlook.
Maybe because it’s so simple, and in its simplicity we forget about the power it has.
We tend to live, and love, and experience pleasure, in a state of tension, of tightness.
For most of us, that’s become the default state of our bodies, minds, hearts and energy.
Simply due to life.
Here’s what happens, and in this we begin to understand a lot about releasing, about letting go, about softening, and the impact this has on our pleasure.
A while ago I wrote a piece called What She’d Like You to Know.
It sparked some deep and intimate sharing and discussion, about pleasure, about relationships and about communication.
It also led to some beautiful exploration of what we want, for men and women.
And from this something emerged that has such power in a few ways.
The Receiving Man.
For many men sex, and touch, has an element of control.
As a man I can receive for a while, and then I go into the mode of touching you, making something happen, moving towards penetration, or making you come, taking control in some way, initiating in some way.
As much as we might read about sexual energy, as much as we might read about the healing possibilities, the pleasure possibilities, the creative possibilities, the vitality, the life-force, the intimate possibilities, the spiritual possibilities, it’s only in the experience that these become realised, embodied, felt, known.
In the body we explore, we discover.
In the body we drop through the layers from intensity to subtlety.
In the body, in the energy channels, we feel, we sense.
In the body we expand.
In the body we become present.
In the body we become aware.
In the body we become still, quiet.
In the body we feel.
There is something so important in Yoni Massage, both for healing and pleasure.
Pause in your touch.
Pause in your caress.
Rest your hand, your fingers.
Energy moves in the pause.
Release is in the pause.
Letting go is in the pause.
Relaxation is in the pause.
I love to kiss, and for me it’s an experience of deep intimacy and arousal.
There’s a conversation in our kiss, in the delicate touch of lips and tongues we tell our lovers so much. Our presence, our love, our desire are communicated in the moment.
We can bring ourselves into presence with our kiss, into an awareness.
More than that, a kiss can be a meditation.
It’s not just foreplay, it’s not just a lead-up to sex, it’s a journey on its own. There is a world of sensation, of emotion, of feeling, of energy in our kiss.
It can be playing, it can be a celebration of the joy of our mouths, the joy we find in each other.
It’s a dance of lips, mouths, tongues, breath, of pressure, of tempo.
It’s a feast of texture, taste and aroma.
Our kiss can be tender, soft, slow.
And it can be fire, growling, passion, messy.
I remember the very first Taoist Sexual Energy Massage I received.
I had done many, taught it lots, and never received it.
Then I taught it to a lover, who gave me the experience of the massage.
After the massage she was sitting next to me, I reached to put my arms around her, and I sobbed, gut-wrenching sobs that went on and on.
I have no idea what was released, no conscious awareness of it.
I do remember the peace I felt afterwards.
And the arousal.
There is something so interesting happening lately, that is impacting on young men, mostly under 30.
And what is amazing is that many of these guys are seeking help.
This is big, as for so many men, of any age, seeking help for anything sexual is such a big thing.
What’s happening is that many of these young men are struggling with quick ejaculation, and often this is linked to erection issues.
It’s fantastic that these young men are firstly acknowledging that there is an issue, and that they’re doing something about it.
When it happens at that age we so often ignore it, think it will get better, or go away, or pretend it’s not there, deflect it, suppress it…
Flow through orgasm into pleasure.
Flow beyond orgasm into pleasure.
Flow through sensation into energy.
Flow from contraction into expansion.
Flow from the end into the ocean of possibility.
So much changes when we experience sex as energy.
So much changes when we experience orgasm as energy.
So much changes when we move beyond orgasm into pleasure.
So much changes when the energy can move through your body, in waves, in ripples, in spirals, dance as it will.
It’s so powerful.
It’s so simple.
It’s so deep.
It can be a sacred experience, a meditation, on the body, on the warmth, on the texture of the skin, on what’s beneath the skin, the blood that flows, the muscles that move, even in rest, the breath that rises and releases.
Expanding into potential.
Expanding into Possibility.
Expanding into the space within.
The twin flames of energy and pleasure dance with each other in the body.
The Heart opens.
The Body opens.
‘I felt the pulsations inside my Yoni for hours afterwards, even as I was falling asleep I was aware of them’.
I’m not a great fan of Valentine’s Day. More than anything else because of the commercialization which it gives us as an empty expression of love.
You get the flowers, the chocolate the jewellery, the lingerie, the dinner, the whatever.
I’m going to digress for a moment and drop a hint, I really like really good quality dark chocolate!
And then what?
What happens the next day?
So let’s not throw the baby away with the bathwater here, because there are possibilities. And the more time I spend learning, teaching, experiencing, exploring, the more I see how many possibilities are present in every situation.
And here’s the possibility.
Don’t stop there, on one day.
Every day, every single day.
We surrender to our sexuality, to our deep pleasure by becoming sex rather than doing sex, having sex.
For many of us sex is a doing thing, it has a progression that we follow, which is mostly a pattern that is largely unconscious.
It has steps and boxes for us to tick off and check.
It often, mostly has a goal of orgasm, which keeps us in the pattern of doing, something we have to reach, make happen. It also becomes the criterion by which to judge the experience, was it successful, did we get there?
One of the things that emerged, as it does on so many journeys, that is so important in our sexual journeys.
Get away from the outcome into the pleasure.
It’s so simple, and it changes so much in so many relationships, in so many experiences and opens so many doors of possibility.
It frees us to feel, to experience.
It frees us to connect.
It frees us into intimacy.
A while ago a woman asked me a question, How do I give a better Blow-Job?
On the surface it’s a simple question, and as I see more and more, the simple questions have such depth.
We spoke a little about it, and she said that her first thought was about techniques. She thought she didn’t know enough, and if she learned more of the skills involved it would improve her performance.
Then we had a discussion about that, performance.
I asked why she thought of it as a performance, who was she performing for?
She said she wanted to giver her partner the most pleasure.
I said that maybe performance and pleasure weren’t the same thing, that performance was about creating pressure, it was about being judged, graded, given a bronze, silver or gold medal, whatever the criteria were.
So we spoke a little about pleasure.
And whose pleasure. Aah, that struck a chord somewhere.
Drop into your body.
Drop deep, into the base, into the pelvis.
On so many journeys, in so many teachings, it’s about moving up, moving away from our base.
And it just may be that moving the other way, moving down, brings us into ourselves. Into the core.
We can’t wait to get higher, and we can’t wait to move.
And in this we so often force the movement, we force the energy.
And we’re sitting, literally and metaphorically with a pelvis of deep tension, contraction, tightness congestion. Emotionally, physically, energetically.
We’ve created a disconnect from ourselves, a distance in our bodies.
Imagine that you had a lover, and that lover wanted to explore your body, get to know your body, caress your body. Imagine that this lover wanted to find the ways and places you like to be touched.
Imagine that this lover wanted to look at your body, turn you this way and that to see your curves, your valleys, the way your body curls inwards to the secret places of pleasure.
Imagine that this lover wanted to hear you moan and sigh and growl and scream.
Imagine that this lover wanted to taste your body, in all the places they could, your sweat, your juices.
There is something so important in relationships, it’s vital to the longevity of a relationship, to the excitement and intimacy of a relationship.
To keep seducing each other.
Over and over again.
Seduction is a dance, an invitation.
It’s a space we offer, not only of experience, but also of the mind, the heart.
I learned something this week.
Enter from within.
It sounds paradoxical, it is, as is so much of life, when we really see it.
Enter from within.
It’s expanding inside of me, showing more every day.
I’m going to put it in the context of a Yoni experience, Cervix experience.
The orgasm, when it happened, and it arose spontaneously, came in waves that moved through her body, spreading the energy through every part of her body, deepening inwards. Feelings, sensations that were still there the next day.
A while ago I facilitated a Self-Pleasuring Experience.
One of the first questions that comes up is how do you facilitate that, because I know how to do it?
My answer is this, you know how to masturbate, and Self-Pleasuring is actually a different experience, as is a sexual energy experience.
What we did in this experience was have the energy practices, of breath, of movement, of touch, of sound, and then have the genital touch experience.
I was thinking about all the massage experiences I teach and do.
Conscious Sensual Massage, a vast field of healing and pleasure, Taoist Sexual Energy Massage, Kashmiri Massage, Water Flow Massage, Yoni Massage in its many expressions of healing and pleasure, Lingam Massage and the different ways we can do that, Breast Massage, Anal Massage, Mouth Massage, Sensual Bondage Massage/Awakening the Senses, Earth Massage, Liquid Light and more.
I was thinking about how important touch is for us, more so at the moment due to the isolation, the disconnect, the loneliness, the fear so many of us have been in the past two years.
I was thinking about how when I developed The Heart Touch so much changed in the way I teach.
Three things, just three things.
And so much happens with these three things.
They could be any 3 things, and today I chose these. Rope, a blindfold, a flogger.
The strands of the flogger are made of rubber. They give a sensation, a sting, not pain.
They can also be stroked across the skin, your skin, across your whole body. They can be stroked over your legs, your thighs, the inside of your thighs, your groin crease. They can be stroked over your Yoni or Lingam. They can be stroked over your belly, your breasts, your back, your neck. They’re not just for flogging. And even that can have different sensations. One stroke. And then a pause.
Maybe a few, maybe in the same place, maybe all over. Then a pause.
Then maybe my fingertips, so softly over where the flogger struck.
Or my mouth close to your skin, blowing.
We’ve shared a lot this year, you and I.
Some in person, some on the other side of a screen, some reading what I write, some on my DVD’s and programmes.
I am grateful for all of it.
I learn from our discussions, questions and comments, whatever they are.
I learn about myself, and this year, maybe more than ever, has been some of the deepest learning. It’s also been a year of looking deeper into myself than ever, with more truth than ever.
I learn about this journey, this work. As much as I can call it work, because it’s a joy to share what we do.
‘My touch is the dance of my heart on your body.’
I wrote this line and shared it in an image a few days ago, then I read it a few times.
Earlier in the day I shared a massage swap that began with an extended time of Eye-Gazing, Heart Connection, our energies merging.
I was receiving, as much as there is giving and receiving in this space.
My partner did things she’s never done before, and I felt things I’ve never felt before.
And as I read that line again I realized that that’s what massage in that deep space is.
The dance of the Heart.
And that filled me with wonder.
The dance emerges, it has rhythm and flow, rests and pauses.
It’s a dance that never was danced before, it never will be again.
Not quite like this.
Let’s start with this.
What makes saliva sacred?
Nothing, other than it’s an element of our Divine body, and as everything, every bodily fluid, is part of us, in this Divine body.
And if we were more aware of this, we would probably do some things very differently. I certainly know I would have.
Now let’s talk about the freedom of saliva.
For a man to sit opposite another man and to look into his eyes is powerful.
For a man to sit naked opposite another man is powerful.
For a man to hold his hands out to another man is powerful.
For a man to be acknowledged by another man is powerful.
For a man to sit with his heart against that of another man is powerful.
For a man to be held by, to hold, another man is powerful.
For a man to breathe with another man is powerful.
For a man to be touched, to touch, another man is powerful.
For a man to receive from another man is powerful.
I went to dancing on Saturday night, around the fire, with the wind and some rain.
Moments of just the music in my ears and my body moving, the earth beneath my feet, the sensation on my skin.
In one way so simple, something ancient.
Moving to music.
It does do much, on so many levels for us, thus dance.
I often compare the dance to massage, the dance of my hands on your skin. The sensation of the touch, the space it opens in your body, the stillness within, the intimacy of our eyes meeting for a moment.
I feel new space open in my body, in my dance. The deep stillness when the movement stops.
The Gates of the Temple.
The Lips of your Yoni.
Approach the temple with reverence.
In your eyes, in your heart, in your hands.
This is sacred ground.
She is of the earth, of the stars, of the ocean.
The Divine Breath flows in her body.
The Divine Fire burns in her heart.
The Divine Nectar flows in the space behind these gates.
She got fire.
From deep in the earth.
From the volcano that burns in the deep of the ocean.
From the stars that give birth to worlds.
She got fire.
In her eyes, in her words, in her belly.
In her sex, she got fire.
The next thing is that we’re going to create a space within us for something to happen.
In this space, which is a space of intimacy with ourselves, a space of awareness.
A space of energy.
A space of the body.
A space of the heart.
A space of softness.
It’s a space of connecting with ourselves, naturally.
There is a beautiful unfolding in the journey of teaching, which is the journey of learning.
I talk, and teach, a lot about orgasms.
I also talk, and teach, a lot, about how orgasms are often a limitation on pleasure.
What we have done is made orgasm the criterion for a ‘successful’ sexual experience, instead of our experience being about pleasure.
In this we’ve created the pressure of having to have an orgasm, which takes us out of the moment, out of the sensations, out of the energy that we’re feeling now.
An aspect of the pressure is that we see orgasm as an achievement, a goal.
And a big part of this is time.
The time it takes us to have an orgasm.
We have, us men, these Hearts.
We have this energy of connection.
We have this space to hold you in.
We have this fire to heat you in.
We have this roar to appreciate you in.
We have this quiet to lie with you in.
We have this vulnerability to share with you.
We have this presence, expressed in so many ways.
We have this softness to flow with you.
We have this rhythm to dance with you.
There have been a lot of tears this week.
My tears, men’s tears, women’s tears.
Tears of gratitude and celebration.
Tears of hurt.
Tears of what’s been hidden, being revealed, and the lightness, the freedom this has brought.
The relief of not carrying that weight any more.
Tears of who we are, almost as a birth, looking at ourselves as if for the first time. Seeing with eyes that are more open, eyes that take some time to adapt to this new vision, looking with wonder.
Tears of release, of letting go, of softening.
We’re taught, from the time we’re small, not to feel too much, too deeply.
Or rather, we’re not taught, to feel, to be with our emotions, to digest them, to learn from them.
It’s a disconnect from the body.
It’s a disconnect from our heart.
It takes us out of being present.
It takes us out of intimacy.
And it takes us out of the possibility of deep pleasure.