Sexually Bored, You Must Be Asleep!

Recently a few people, both couples and single people have come to see me because they’re sexually bored.

I’ve been teaching in the field of Conscious Sexuality for over 20 years, and this is a pretty common thing. In fact in long-term relationships it’s one of the biggest sexual issues that people encounter. And sometimes it doesn’t have to be experienced in a long relationship.
Often we’re bored with our own sexuality, which has nothing to do with our partner’s, it’s fully about us. I’m going to come back to that a little later on.

Recently something landed for me about being sexually bored.
If you are, bored with your sexuality, with the experiences that you’re having you’re either asleep, unconscious, disconnected, so stuck in a pattern, so goal-oriented, so in expectation, so deep in a pattern.
How else can you be sexually bored?

In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.

YoniLIngam in the Body

Much of my work is in the world of sexual healing. At least that’s where many journeys start, then they become more about learning, growing, exploring, expanding. These journeys also become more about life, all aspects of life.

In this there’s something I’ve come to see the importance of.
We need to heal in context.
In the context of our bodies, our hearts, our minds, our lives.
Sex, and our genitals, Yoni and Lingam, are not separate from the rest of us. Our sexuality happens in our lives. And so much of what happens, what plays out in our sexuality, often doesn’t have a lot to do with sex. That’s just the place where something is expressing itself.

For Whom do we Heal?

Yesterday I shared a post that I wrote a while ago, called What’s Become of Us.
It’s on my page if you’d like to read it.
It was prompted by a few things. Many women sitting with me and talking about how difficult it is to talk to their male partners about sexual and relationship issues, how they think they have to do it carefully so as not to upset them, how delicately they have to handle it.

There were some great discussions, comments and questions that prompted these thoughts.

We have to heal for ourselves.
We have to grow, to expand, release, for ourselves.
We can’t do it for another.
We can’t do it for a relationship.
We have to do it for ourselves.

What Else is There?

The past weeks have been difficult for me.
I’ve felt a little lost, alone, down. I’m usually quite focused, I’ve been scattered.
I’ve been thinking about where I’m going in a way that’s not directed or clear.
I’ve been procrastinatory.
My energy has been up and down.
Writing has been really hard, not flowing.
I’ve cancelled some workshops, they haven’t felt right.
I’ve been sad.

And something so interesting has emerged.
I’ve spoken about it a little with people I’m working with on healing and growth journeys.
It’s about what else there is, what else there is in the space, in the moment, in the experience.

My Genital Relationship

Much of my work is, or begins with sexuality, the relationship we have with our sexuality is, of course, a large part of this. This relationship forms the framework of the journey, it gives it a context, a place to live in.
And more and more I see the importance of the context.

Our sexuality is not in a vacuum, as many of us express it that way. Our sexuality is not in a little box that we bring out in very specific circumstances and use, then put away again.
Our genitals are not separate for the rest of who we are: bodies, minds, hearts and energy. Everything is connected, entwined, dancing, or not, talking, or not, listening, or not, with each other.

Coffee and Rope

Last week I did a rope workshop facilitated by a friend in Australia.
It was a very non-traditional approach, that wasn’t really about tying, knots, positions etc, which is often quite technical.
This was about the energy of the rope, using the rope as a communication, as a sensual element, as part of the intention and sensuality of the experience, as an energy.
As with all things I learn I couldn’t wait to try it and personalize it, see how it worked, where it could go, what the possibilities were.

Self-Pleasuring, An Inner Journey

Our sexuality is a guide, a teacher, a path of personal enquiry, a way to experience energy, a way to access deep states of consciousness, a way to become incredibly intimate with ourselves, a place to become aware of many of our patterns, a way to get to know, explore and experience our bodies, our hearts.
It’s a way for us to heal, so many things, that have nothing to do with sex, as well as sex.
It’s a way to find stillness, the inner quiet that connects us to the deepest parts of ourselves.
It can take us to a meditative state.
It can give us access to creative energy and inspiration.
And it offers us pleasure, deep, limitless pleasure.

My Heart

This is my heart
And I was never taught the mineness of it

Tears of Orgasm

We talk about all the different kinds of orgasms women, and men, can experience.
Many people I, and I’m sure many other practitioners, work with, come to learn how to have these different experiences.
In all of these orgasms there is something that we don’t always mention, and it’s an important experience, for men and women.
It’s also confusing because orgasm is supposed to be about pleasure.

The Yoni and Lingam Meditation of Gazing

Yoni or Lingam Meditation of Gazing is looking with, through, the eyes of your heart.
It’s a meditation on loving, accepting, acknowledging, in the giving and in the receiving.
It’s a meditation on presence, sexual presence, heart presence, body presence.
It’s a meditation where we bring our heart into our gaze, where the vision within the vision, is one of love.
It’s a meditation where we open ourselves to receive, to be seen.

One Breath of Pleasure

There is such power, such possibility, in one breath.

In the world of pleasure we’re often looking for more.
More feeling, more sensation, more experiences, more technique, more partners, more toys…
Most of these things are external, they’re outside of us. And they’re connected to something which is one of the most limiting and contractive things we do.
We live in a society that’s constantly chasing.
Money, pleasure, things, experiences, orgasms, people, chasing.

Making Love With Life and Yoga

I talk about, teach about, Making Love with Life, and the limitless possibilities that that holds for us.
Last week I had such a direct and beautiful experience of this.

In these moments, Life, in whatever form is present, becomes your lover, and you become the lover of life.
As in deep union, deep intimacy with another, you become one. There is no separation between us. There is only love, and love is what brings us to the oneness.

This Sensual Coffee of Presence

The afternoon winter sun, it’s delicious in Johannesburg.

Coffee and a few mouthfuls of something sweet. I have a weakness for pastry, and today it’s a mini almond croissant.

A digression, more coffee shops should have something small, a few mouthfuls to have with coffee, it’s something missing from awareness.

This is a sharing of sensual consciousness, sensual meditation, sensual awareness, how these few moments can bring us into such presence.

I can’t look at the sun directly, I look at its edges, and so often we get to see things by looking at the edges of them, slowly we can see more.

I close my eyes, bring my awareness to the skin of my face, feel the warmth there.


The Nurtured C***

For over 25 years on my journey into Conscious Sexuality I’ve been learning about men and male sexuality.
Firstly by going into my own Sexuality and sensuality, and then by spending so much time with men in a work space.

A great deal of this space has been helping men with sexual issues, love issues, intimacy issues.
I’ve worked with men who have lost their prostate through cancer, men who have lost relationships and marriages, men who struggle with sexual issues across the board.

One of the deepest things I’ve come to see, and how much this impacts on many men in so many ways, is how hard it is for us to receive.
What’s interesting is that I’ve worked with as many gay and bi men, as straight, who have the same issues.
It’s about men, all of us.

Cl-itoral Pulsations

Part of Cl-iteracy, which is to be clitorally literate.

To be literate with something is to know it, to have knowledge of it. And to be able to read it, to understand it.

That on its own is a lot. To know her clitoris, this pearl of pleasure. To know its anatomy, to know how its context, how it connects to a woman, to her body, her heart. And to know how to pleasure, the limitless possibilities of pleasure, this jewel. Which is what the French call her clitoris, bijou, a jewel.

The Subtle Power of Stillness

TThere’s a thing with sex, as soon as we’re inside someone, or someone is inside us, to move.
It’s almost as if our pelvis has a life, a will of its own, as if we’re programmed to move.
It might not be easy, because for most of us, sex is about sensation. And the more sensation we have, the more we want.
Yes, it feels good. And when you learn to move in many different ways it feels amazing.
It takes consciousness, connection with your body, presence.

Tears on my Chest

Tears on my chest
Sacred tears.

I sat with a man in Yab-Yum, holding him, naked chest to naked chest, heart to heart.
We sat in stillness and breathed, coming into our bodies, softening into each other, into the warmth of our skins, into presence.
I began to rock him, to slowly move his body.
We softened into each other, into relaxation, into the breath, into the movement.
I felt the vibration deep inside of him, felt it rise to his heart, felt his body tremble.
I felt his tears on my chest.
My heart melted.


The longing for love is the longing to belong
To know that have a home in the arms that hold you
With the heart that beats alongside yours
In the rhythm of breath
With eyes that see you

Penetration, Heart to Heart

At the opening of her Yoni, pause.
Before you enter her, pause.
Be still, so still.
And so much happens in this stillness, this moment of quiet.

In this moment, this stillness, there’s a listening to your lover, to her body, to her heart.
You’ll only hear it, feel it, in the stillness.
You’re feeling for her to open for you, to welcome you, to draw you in with the invitation of softening.
And the presence of the head of your Lingam is showing your desire for her.

From Hard and Tight to Soft and Open

I was thinking about how much of our sexual experience is in the category of hard and tight.
Hard cocks, tight vaginas.
Hard and tight is a space of pressure, a space of performance, a space of judgment and comparison.
It’s a space of fantasy and illusion.
It’s a space of pressure.
It’s a space with no heart, with no spirit, with no intimacy, with no energy.
It’s a space of almost using someone else’s body to masturbate, and we call it sex.

Healers and Lovers

I think we need more lovers than healers.

We need more people to hold a space for us to feel loved in, simply loved.
And this is where the healing happens.
It’s in the space of being.
It’s in the space of being heard, of being seen.
It’s in the space of being who we are, as we are, and in time to come to the deeper parts of who we are. In time to connect with parts we’ve separated from, been separated from. In time to find the essence of who we are.

Energy Sex

Every time we look into each other’s eyes, energy travels from me to you, you to me.
Every kiss, every touch, energy.
I breathe your breath into me, I take your essence, I give you mine.
Every touch, energy.
We go deeper into each other.
There’s a dance of light and colour between us, unseen, yet known.

Holding the Place to be Met

From a place in my heart comes the ancient and sacred practice of holding, of resting my hands on your body.
In stillness, deep stillness.
In reverence.
In love.

For over 25 years I’ve been teaching, exploring and experiencing in the worlds of touch and massage.
In this I’ve seen that the expressions of touch are limitless, and that not all touch is movement.
There is such power, such possibility in stillness.
In holding, holding someone, holding somewhere on their body, resting your hands on them.
In that touch, in the breath.
In softening my hands on your body, touching from my heart.
There’s a melting into each other, an opening, a softening.

The Desire…

The desire to awaken is deep
The desire to surrender is deep
The desire for the wild is deep

Within us, men and women, is such a deep sexuality.
A sexuality that is a portal to experience the Divine. A sexuality that has a wildness, the playground of the beast. A sexuality that encompasses and expresses so many aspects of who we are. A sexuality that in its expression is a path to freedom. A sexuality that is connected to, that opens the heart, and the Heart within the heart.
A sexuality that is one of the keys to higher states of awareness.
And many of us simply scratch the surface.

Naked Freedom

Naked Freedom, Naked Sex.

Naked sex?
Isn’t all sex naked?
Most of the time, sometimes it’s partially clothed, sometimes it’s in a costume, sometimes it’s just pulling something down, pulling something aside.
And there’s more.

Naked is standing revealed, open, owning who we are, the things we enjoy, the things that arouse us, interest us, the things we’re curious about.

The Power of a Woman

I’ve been teaching, exploring and experiencing in the wonderful and limitless worlds of sensuality and sexuality for over 25 years.

In this time there is something I’ve seen so often, and at the moment more so.
So many women have such a powerful, deep, strong, wild, fiery sexuality.
So many women have had glimpses, seen and experienced this in some way and have suppressed it, hidden it, repressed it and not allowed it expression.
There’s fear, there’s guilt, there’s shame and embarrassment.
There’s a society that judges and suppresses female sexuality and its power.
There’s a society that fears female sexuality and its power.
There’s a society that fears Yoni, its beauty, mystery and power.

The deep experiences do not happen in 5 minutes, there are no shortcuts to ourselves.
There are no shortcuts to our hearts, to our souls, to understanding, experiencing the power of our sexual energy, our vitality.

The Erotic Space of Possibility

I’d like to share an experience I had recently with a woman on a journey of healing and growth.
We’ve been working together for a while and we’ve gone deep.
It’s time that makes the depth possible, patience, willingness and commitment, to ourselves, to our bodies, hearts, to our journey.
The deep experiences do not happen in 5 minutes, there are no shortcuts to ourselves.
There are no shortcuts to our hearts, to our souls, to understanding, experiencing the power of our sexual energy, our vitality.

An Introduction

It’s time for a re-introduction.
The past month has been a time of integration of a lot of learning, experiencing, exploring, contemplating.
Going within, and from there being able to share more with you.

I’m a Conscious Sexuality Practitioner, with some Tantra, based in South Africa.
I work online and in person, with men and women, singles and couples of all orientations.

The Path of Sensual Surrender

After doing and teaching, and receiving (not nearly enough), massage, so many different expressions, for over 25 years, I’ve seen how the body, the touch is a beautiful path to surrender.

On many paths we talk about the power of surrender.
Being deeply present in our body allows us to be in the experience, in the feeling, in the sensation.
We drop through the layers of the mind, the layers of thought.

Performers or Lovers

For years I have been helping men with performance issues, premature ejaculation and erection problems.
Something landed for me recently with this work, and the clue was in the question, or the problem.
That’s how so many men see sex.
It’s a performance.
It’s not about pleasure.
Yes they’ll have an orgasm, whether that’s early, whether they can control it or not.
But it’s about performing.
And pleasure is far down the list of why men have sex.

G-Spot Holding for Pleasure

There’s something interesting about touch and pleasure touch, sexual touch.
We think that we need to move, and move all the time.
And for many of us the pattern of movement is hard and fast, harder, faster.
Our bodies have become conditioned to this style of stimulation, both men and women. So much so that when a different touch comes along, particularly a slower touch a gentler touch, we often don’t feel much.

4 Elements of Touch

I want to touch you like the water
With the safety of the womb
With the rivers endless flow
With the oceans tides
As I stroke to your centre
And gently away
With the gathering wave
Crashing its love on the shores of your body

The Intimacy of Healing

In my work, both face-to-face, and online, in one-on-one sessions and in workshops, I get to share many intimate moments with you.

These are moments of awareness, moments of understanding, moments of release and letting go, moments of revelation, seeing ourselves and our lives.
These are moments of the body, of opening, of touch, of softening, of receiving, of giving, of release, of pleasure.
These are moments of the heart, of love, of allowing love, love for ourselves, love for another, for life, allowing ourselves to be loved, feel love.
Moments of intimacy.
And I see how important intimacy is in healing, in learning, in growing, in experiencing.

How Many Tears Are Enough

I held a man on his tears at the Water Flow Massage on Fri night, as I’ve held so many men and women over the years as they’ve cried, as I’ve been held in my tears.

A while ago in my studio a woman on a healing journey asked ‘When will I stop crying?’

Last night, as I held this man, I asked, how many tears are enough?

Our tears are expressions of so many things, joy as well as pain.
Openness, vulnerability, intimacy.
The depth, the power of an authentic moment of connection.

Love Waits

I am back in Johannesburg after an intense week of teaching in Cape Town.
The learning, the sharing, the intimacy, the healing, the connecting on all the workshops, all the sessions, all the conversations was deep. For me as well as everyone I shared with.

In a way I spent time with all of us.
I spent time with people going through difficulties with intimacy and sexuality in their relationships.
I spent time with people, men and women, who have been deeply hurt, emotionally, sexually, and are beginning to heal.

Lingam Coffee

Sunday morning at the Airport in Cape Town, going back to Jo’burg.
I’m carrying the container with my new Yoni and Lingam, get to the security check. It goes through the scanner and they stop the conveyor belt.
It is so clear, the Lingam, unmistakable in its glory. It’s not a small piece either.

Sexual Energy

‘Was walking around in a bit of a daze afterwards.
It was amazing! I just relaxed and breathed gently through a kaleidoscope of colour. These beautiful sensations like tiny pulses moved up my body. Followed by one big intense orgasm that went right up to my heart down my arms and kept going! The contractions up my body really intense felt amazing! Never experienced one like that before! Definitely would like more of that! It felt really good and soo welcome.’

Coffee and Duct Tape

What in the world have coffee and duct tape got to do with each other?

My daughter asked me a question last night.
She phrased it more or less like this, ‘I don’t know if I want to know the answer to this but I’m asking anyway, why is there a roll of duct tape on the counter in the kitchen?’

I laughed.
This was not an uncommon question in my home.

I Found Something

I found something recently, and there might be something for you in what I’ve found.

I have always loved what I do.
When people talk about having a job I’ve never really thought of this as a job in the traditional sense.
I don’t think you can do this kind of work when you see it as a job.
I’ve always loved it.
It hasn’t always been easy, in fact there have been times of great hardship, in every way. Financially, emotionally, romantically, sexually, spiritually.
But I’ve always loved it, and can’t see myself doing much else.
Maybe a pancake bar on a beach, that’s always been a fantasy.

This Divine Body

From the ends of your toes to the tips of your fingers to the top of your head.
Your Divine Body.

There is a lifetime in your body, a lifetime of sensation, a lifetime of feelings, a lifetime of emotions.
Two, an egg, a sperm, came together to make one, you.
In this, your divine body.
There is no other like you, unique beauty in this skin.
Your skin holds you perfectly, surrounds you, gives you a home.

To make love with you, to make love to you, is to make love to all of you.
All of you, all of your divine body.

Yoni Massage and the Practice of Time

I was recently asked to teach a course on Yoni Massage for a group of practitioners.
This filled me with excitement for a few reasons.
The first is I love to teach, and I love to inspire others, and the more I’m able to inspire you, the more inspired I get, we all expand.
In this expansion, and in the teaching, in the creating of the course, in putting any workshop or retreat together, I learn. And when I learn I get more inspired to share. As I put a course together, even if it’s something I’ve been teaching for years, there are always new insights and understandings. Many of these come from the questions you ask, the discussions we have, and the practices, the practices, the practices. So much understanding emerges from the practices. This understanding allows the practice to expand.

One Manly Tear

I was watching an episode of Masterchef last week, the UK series. There was a man who had come pretty far in the competition and at one point, having got through to the next round, said that he had ‘Shed one manly tear at the emotion.’
One manly tear!
Fuck One Manly Tear!
Where are our hearts, where are our feelings, where are our voices, where are our tears?
Where are our sobs, gut wrenching, releasing all the pain we need to?

Mouth Massage

Our mouths are incredibly intimate, and they hold a key to some deep releasing, healing, intimacy, expansion and pleasure.

Over the past months I’ve been doing some work with the mouth and throat that has had a big impact on the journeys I share with you.

A while ago on a growth group I was facilitating I taught a practice of connecting with the mouth, creating an Intimacy with the mouth.

Deepening Into Love

For the past, it’s nearly two years now, I haven’t had a sexual partner, I haven’t had a lover, I haven’t had a relationship.
Not in the traditional sense.

This has been a time of going into myself, into my body, into my sensuality and sexuality.
It’s affirmed something I’ve known and taught for a long time.
Our love, our sexuality, our sensuality, our pleasure, is about us.

This Conscious Kiss

Kissing is one of the most intimate acts we can share with a partner, in fact there are times when kissing is more intimate than sex. Kissing brings us closer together than anything. Because kissing is so intimate, it also expresses our emotional state.

Kissing is the sharing of our essence. In the exchange of fluids and breath we mix ourselves with our lovers.

Sacred Yoni Massage

The sacred in me arises when I sit before you, when I look into your eyes.
The sacred in me arises when I kneel before you.
The sacred in me arises when I sit between your legs.
The sacred in me arises when I rest my hand on your heart.
The sacred in me arises when I rest my hand on your Yoni.
The sacred in me arises when I worship you.

My Orgasmic Gratitude

The energy of gratitude has such power.
It brings us into awareness, into presence.
It’s an element of intimacy.
It connects us to ourselves, to another, to life, to the world.
Gratitude heals.
There is a sense of wonder in gratitude, wonder for this life we live, for this breath we breathe, for what we feel, what we hear, what we see, what we smell, what we taste, what we feel, what we sense.
There is a wonder for this body, this heart.
There is a joy in gratitude, a joy being alive, vital, pulsating.

There’s a beautiful concept, and practice that I teach called Orgasmic Gratitude.

Patterns and Self-Pleasuring

I’m preparing for the Conscious Self-Pleasuring Webinar on Wednesday, and I’m think about all the things I’d like to share with you, there’s so much…

Melting Pleasure

Melting Pleasure is going into a deep state of sexual experience. It allows your sexual energy to flow through your entire body, to connect you in a space of intimacy to yourself, to your beloved…

Sleeping Together

We have a lot of euphemisms for sex. The most popular one is ‘they slept together’. As I understand it, there’s a difference, a big difference between having sex and sleeping.